Confession is healing

This past weekend I sat in on a conference about becoming a true spiritual community.  Sounds kinda weird, huh?  I did not do trust falls or yoga, but I did hear a lot of powerful content that brought about a much needed breakthrough in my desire to love people around me and to confess more of my junk.  

If you are reading this and you do not have a faith background let me introduce you to a commonly used word in the Protestant community: sin.  Sin has been defined for me as anything that misses the mark of perfection.  I believe that we all miss the mark of perfection and only God is perfect in everything He has done, is doing and will do.  This weekend the speaker expanded on sin and he said, “sin is a strong commitment to self.”  OUCH!!!!!!

Sin is a strong commitment to self.  

If this is true, and I believe it is, then we are always looking out for self.  One way of looking at “sin” - a strong commitment to self, is to look at what we fear.  Fear is a powerful and driving force that will direct our life.  If you aren’t real sure what your “sin struggles” are, look at what you are afraid of and you will see how your actions, interactions and thoughts are driven to live a life in which you avoid what you fear.

Living this way keeps us from entering in to one another’s lives in a way that is pure and good.  As I begin to see what fears drive me, I see ways in which I interact with people that are manipulative and self-centered.  Sometimes I can have the appearance of being others centered, but in moments of honesty and revelation through God’s kindness of his Spirit, I SEE and I confess and “it is all grace” as C.S. Lewis would say.  

Today would you join me in seeing what your strong commitment to self is?  Would you look and see what fears are driving you and keeping you from others-centered relationships, peace & trust with God?  It might be painful, but confession and repentance (a deep change of heart) will free you to love just a little bit more like Jesus.  Not only that, but you will experience God’s love to your own wounds, realizing you are too needy to not accept his gift.  Humbling and sacred.

WITH you in it, my friends.

Pick-up lines from *&^%

A friend of mine once asked a group of girls to be honest about being hit on.  She said, “I don’t care if a homeless man has just climbed out of the garbage dump, if he whistles at you, you still think, ‘Yeah, I still got it.’”  Many argued with her,  but I laughed and agreed.  #issues

Yesterday I was leaving a store after having been fitted for my 24th bridesmaid dress.  That’s another blog, but just know I’m trying to catch up with Katherine Heigl.  I walked out of the store and two men walked by and one said, “I like your trunk.”  I looked around because I was not in a car nor was I near my car.  The man grinned at me and I tugged my shirt down.  My friend Eric asked me if I had on an elephant costume.   Seeing as how I do not normally leave the house (or stay in the house) in my Dumbo costume,  the answer was “no.”

I started to think about other times I have been “hit on” or stories my friends have shared. 

Recently my friend Haley was hit on by an older man  in Thailand.  He asked her to come die with him.  Was this his version of The Notebook?

Let’s not forget the cross-cultural approach: the one-legged Russian war vet who asked my boyfriend at the time if he could borrow me for the night.  Um, no.  

Or what about the carload of guys who pulled up to me on campus and asked if I, “got down with the brown?”  Jesus, take the wheel.  

Here, however, is my all time favorite.  This is where my brother-in-law or fellow New York City Cru friends would say, “You’re an idiot.”  I spent a few summers in NYC with Cru and there was a lovely OLD Pakistani man who worked the front desk/entrance to the building.  Sweet old man.  First mistake was to think old=sweet.  He brought me gifts, asked me to dinner and I said, “Please bring your wife.”  (Here I will note that I almost said, “Please bring your wife, Papaw.”) He did not want to bring his wife.  He wanted another wife.  

It’s a jungle out there, women.  Stay strong and away from old men.

I would love to hear your best, “Did he just say that?” story, because we all need to laugh a little more.

Blessings from the Bathroom

I found a way to survive an airport on a Sunday.  Play Christmas music and go to the bathroom next to gate E 5. 

The plane landed and I had just enough time to, you know, do some business before I had to jot quickly to my  gate that would take me to beloved Rocky Top.  I put in my headphones as I walked in and there was the jolliest  woman with lashes that extended to the Atlantic and a smile that disarmed defensive and weary passengers.  I happened to be a physically weary passenger fighting a cold and longing for my sweet home on West Glenwood.  

She greeted me as if I had entered the pearly gates and I was her long lost daughter.  “Welcome!!! I am so glad you are here!”  

I stared and then I looked around to see who she was talking to and point to myself with a question mark in my eye.

"Yes! Welcome!"

Does she know I am in a bathroom in the Charlotte airport?  Does she know SHE is in a bathroom in the Charlotte airport?

She continues. “I want you to have a blessed day.  I am glad to see you.” 

I continue staring.  

“Be BLESSED everyone!” she booms in her beautifully deep voice with a side of sass and warmth.  

How does she do it?  How does she work a job of standing 5 feet away from constant crap (literally) and have such joy in her heart?   I did my business and gave her a smile and put my earbuds back in and the song, “Our God is With Us - Emmanuel” was playing.  Looking around at all the sizes, shapes, colors and temperaments of people walking by, I could sense His heart for this woman.  Many people were coming and going out of that room without giving her a second glance.  She was present, even if no one noticed or acknowledged her, but was anyone WITH her?

He is WITH us. 

He is WITH me. 

Many times I am the hustling woman through the airport with a frantic look on her face, just trying to get to the next place in hopes of it taking me home, the place I really want to be, but I miss his WITHness. He is always present, but presence can be true of God and be oblivious to me. Somewhere in there I miss the togetherness that is always mine for the taking. This WITHness is becoming my life calling and life longing.  To enjoy His WITH as I am WITH others - even in a crowded airport.   That woman in the bathroom by E5 was WITH those she served, with such presence and joy. God Bless her.  I think God enjoys her so much.  I hope she knows that that He is WITH her today.

The sun sank down over the gulf and I could not quit smiling.  Feeling life and love pour over me was bringing such joy that I almost wept with gratitude.  I was sitting on the beach thinking about God keeping his promises. 

Exodus 6 tells of God talking with Moses and saying that now is the time that he wants to free the Israelites from the 400+ years of slavery that they have endured.  He wants to be their God and they be his beloved people.  God tells Moses to go tell the captives what HE has said. THIS IS THE BEST NEWS!  However, v. 9 of Exodus 6 says this, 

“Moses spoke thus to the people of Israel, but they did not listen to Moses, because of their broken spirit and harsh slavery.”

I felt a punch in the gut.

I rubbed my eyes and said, “Wait! Did I read that wrong?”

I reread the passage and just sat in silence.  The familiar moving of the Holy Spirit was happening.  Logos explained “broken spirit” like this: 

“it was the inward pressure caused by deep anguish that prevented proper breathing—like children sobbing and gasping for their breath"

Let that settle.

I thought it sounded like a panic attack. 

The captives were about to be freed!! After years and years of pain, heartache, silence, wondering when the suffering would end, no glimmer of hope, and FINALLY news of hope comes and they could not even hear it.  Why?  “because of their broken spirit and harsh slavery.” 

Being the one in captivity during seasons of life where it is difficult to hear God even if what he is telling you is good news is frightening.

When the internal anguish is great the struggle to receive hope can be elusive - to the point of the promises being what we might say as “too good to be true.” 

Are you crying so much about your life and disappointments that the thought of having hope feels terrifying?

Have you believed that hope teases you? Hope does not tease.  As my friend tells me, “Timing is what throws you off.”  Not hope. 

A lot of energy is wasted by ignoring what is going on inside.  In the circles I move in many cover it up with spiritual talk, doing “more ministry” and dodging questions that get to the heart.  It's not considered "spiritual" to talk about emotions.  Tell that to the Israelites. 

I continue to have to acknowledge how I am like that child sobbing and gasping for breath before I can actually begin to calm, breath again and HEAR.  

Hearing and receiving can bring even a twinge of Hope that can speak to the gasping for air places in our life and calm us like a child in need of comfort.

And get this...even though the Israelites could not receive the good news Moses shared, it did not stop God from rescuing them.  

Ain't no summer lovin'

This blog post will “bless your heart.” You will walk away with a deeper meaning of life.  

(Clear throat) 

True confession. Summer is my 4th favorite season.  All you summer peeps who get giddy about the lake, tank tops and the heat - well, good for you. It has taken me approximately 39 years to admit this earth shattering news.  I have been in denial. Who doesn’t like summer?  Apparently only people who have no soul. Some say that redheads do not have a soul.  You know what else those same people aren’t saying? Redheads spontaneously combust when out in the sun for longer than 4 minutes.  

Here is a list of what a person who has a soul (non-gingers) loves about summer:

• wearing almost no clothing because it is hot
• the heat
• going to the pool everyday because of heat
• getting tan because the sun is relentlessly beating down on the souls of summer lovers
• wearing chaco’s with dresses
• splash pads because sometimes it is hotter than 3 hells in the summer
• more things to do outside. in the heat. 

Here is a list of what a person who has no soul (gingers) dislike about summer:

• combustion
• chronic sunburn

• wearing zinc oxide that reminds you of when you were 5 and at the beach with your sun loving family 
  
• wearing chaco’s with dresses because chaco’s make me feel like a man (sorry, but they do). I guess I have bigger issues than the sun. 
  
• mosquitos

If Ann Voskamp (1000gifts) happened to read this blog she would come have a heart to heart with me.  So, for Ann’s sake and everyone else I’ll list what I am grateful for about today. 

• I am grateful that I can paddle board and not combust
• I am grateful for hiding my chaco’s for half the year and dealing with my masculine issues
• I am grateful that the mosquitos will go back from the pit of you know where so I can swing on my porch and enjoy fall
• I am grateful for pumpkins, white lights, a breeze, warm drinks, hay rides, and CLOTHING.
• I am grateful that I can stand on my porch today, jump up and down, waving and yelling to summer, “Don’t let the door hit ya……”

The Tension

August 7, 2014

Several years ago at UT’s annual fall retreat for Cru, I facilitated a women’s time for about 60 college students.  I have no recollection of what was shared or said, but I do remember a conversation I had with three of the girls afterwards.  “Millie” shared with me that she just wanted God to take away her feelings for someone.  She felt that if she surrendered and asked God that he should remove all feelings of longing. Then she could happily get on with life.  Sounds right, huh?  Wrong.  Millie felt ashamed of her desire.  She felt that someone who had it more together wouldn’t want something so “un-Godly” as a relationship.  She should want to go to Africa and share Jesus more than she should want a relationship, right?  I will never forget the look on her face as we talked about what it would look like to walk in her longing and not try and get rid of it like a bad haircut from the 7th grade.  Her face lit up as she realized that there was another way.  A way in which she could be fully surrendered to her Father and yet have desire and longing.  

The struggle is real.  1) The struggle to want to demand our longing be met when we want it,  or  2) the opposite - to kill desire.  That’s what a good Buddhist would do.  If you have no desire then you have no suffering (read Larry Crabb - Shattered Dreams). 

We are invited to live in the tension of our longings.  The waiting will surface every bit of entitlement, bad coping mechanism and neediness.  The tension of living in longing will surface demand - demands of other people and demands of God to meet what we think our greatest needs are and to answer in the timing that we think best.  Living in the tension will highlight our relational sin and how our interactions with others can be insincere and selfish in an effort to get a need met.  

Longings in friends lives right now include longing to be free of cancer, longing to have children,  longing to have a heart healed from a broken relationship, longing to find community, longing for husband to be free of addiction, longing for a life to have weight and meaning and a longing to be known and loved.

I have no magical answers other than to keep leaning in to your longing with others who have empathy and the ability to be WITH you in your vulnerable place.  

Here are a few tips for those of you who struggle a little with knowing how to be WITH someone:

1. Listen without feeling the need to give advice.  Is your desire to give advice due to your own insecurity of feeling like you don’t have anything to offer your hurting friend?  Pay attention to your relational motivation.
2. If you don’t understand your friend’s longing then that’s ok.  A healthy friend won’t demand you understand, but appreciate your effort in asking questions and just sitting in silence with them.
3. Don’t underestimate the power of your presence and kindness in asking questions.  
4. Basically all of these points sound the same. :)  

Beth Moore recently said something that has stuck with me.  She said, “If there’s a breakdown in unbelief, it’s not His issue, it’s yours.”  It may sound harsh, but I’ve loved it because it reminds me to think about things that are true - He loves us. He is for us. He is WITH.  So the next time you are tempted to kill desire or to demand it be answered, just give me or a trusted friend a call.  We can walk through it together.

Hello, goodbye.

Hello, goodbye.

No one ever warned me that life was full of hello’s and goodbyes.  I mean, to be fair, it is obvious since the very nature of the life cycle screams birth and death - a hello, goodbye of sorts that no one eludes. My heart longs for home.  The constant hello’s and goodbyes have brought me to a quiet Saturday night of allowing myself to acknowledge that risking to go deep in relationships also means greater sadness when having to say “goodbye” to people who become so dear.  This week I have said “goodbye” to three of my dearest friends.  It is not like they have died, they are just moving away, but it feels in some ways like a death for a time and must be acknowledged, because they mean so much to me.  

You would think that after16 years in college ministry that I would get used to the constant hello, goodbye cyle, but somehow the older I get, the more I wonder, “Is this how relationships are supposed to be?”  Here for a season and then transitioning to something not quite like a stranger, but a more distant memory of that person in your every day? It seems wrong.   Year after year,  class of 2003, 2005, 2007, 2010 and on and on…..staff team after staff team, staff get married, some get transferred.  Hours and hours, weeks, months and years of pouring into students and then throw in the summer projects where you have temporary staff teams for 7 weeks and new students and there’s another hello, goodbye.  Cru staff get so used to it sometimes that we don’t really bat an eye over sharing our life story with people we will only be with for a few weeks. We do this over and over and over.  This kind of vulnerability and risk that is almost expected.  

Then there’s the more gut wrenching hello, goodbye of life and death.  Grandparents, parents, sons, uncles, friends and pets (except for mine, because she will live forever).  Wow. This is such an uplifting post.  I want you to know that it is okay to struggle, grieve and ACKNOWLEDGE that the people in your life matter enough to you that when the time comes for a goodbye that it should hurt, even in the midst of celebrating what is next. Constant hello’s and goodbye’s are not normal.  Maybe here on earth. Living with an eternal perspective gives me hope. One day the constant beginnings and endings of relationship will also come to an end.  I look forward to a forever season of forever community.  

I love you, Jeff, Sara and Haley.  These goodbye’s have been some of the hardest.  Thank you for making them hard because we chose to go deep.