Sunday, August 12, 2012

eHarmony sChmarmony

Boy oh boy, am I in a mood. A MOOD. For years I have been asked by every married friend and family member imaginable, “Have you tried eHarmony?”  To which I replied with a kind eye-roll and an explanation about how great I think eHarmony is for everyone but me.  I have many friends and supporters who have met their spouse via eHarmony/online dating and they are NORMAL and COOL.  I’m so happy for them. I’ve heard every explanation in the book as to why it works and to why it doesn’t and should be avoided.  I always ask myself, “If ‘it’ is so great then why do all my friends who are on ‘it’ keep ‘it’ a big secret?”  I now know why.

So, it was just another wild Saturday night in my house.  After watching a fabulous tv special on hot dogs and cleaning my bathroom, I talked to my friend (who shall remain anonymous of course) who was going to have a date with an eHarmony match the next day.  Well, I was zoned out as she was talking because I was looking up the web site and filling out the profile. I have no idea what possessed me to do it. Uh, maybe it was because of my crazy Saturday night activities. Do you know they gave me matches before I was even finished? Uh, okay.  The second I typed in Jesus and Celine Dion, I guess Mr. eHarmony scratched his head and thought, “Hmmm, we are gonna have to go out of her age range preference AS WELL AS the within 300 mile proximity preference.”   Go grab a donut for the rest of this blog.  It gets worse.

First on the list was a guy in a superman shirt and hat who was on an evangelistic weight lifting team.  Good for him.  Comfortable in his own skin. However, he misspelled his name. There are no vowels and no “y” in his name.   Second, can I just ask if denim shorts are back in for men? I’m not trying to be mean, I seriously want to know. Anyone? Because the majority of men I was matched with had on denim shorts and fanny packs. I hoped the fanny packs were an indication that they liked to travel.  And no offense if your name is “Roy”, but if you are 48, from Michigan and named “Roy”, I don’t think it is going to work.  However, my favorite was the man who looked like the secretary at my old school. I loved Glenda, the secretary.  I don’t want to get too caught up on him lest I forget the Elvis impersonator who is 49 and from Alabama.  Hakim from Illinois seemed okay, but he’s old. OLD, I tell you. The one normal guy on there I’m pretty sure I went to elementary and high school with and he had an obsessive nose picking issue so I made him hold my shirt sleeve when we square danced.    

Sigh.  Okay, so I am being funny, probably a little mean, a tad picky, but wow. I promise you, it really was as bad as I am making it out to be. Now the next time I am asked if I have tried online dating I can say with all honesty that yes indeed I have tried eHarmony.