Thursday, September 27, 2012

Bdubs goes Po Po

Today is the day I went gangsta’ in the West Town Mall parking lot.  I want to take you on a journey of my day leading up to said event.  I had very little sleep due to the dog with (if you are from East Tennessee) “sugars” (aka: diabetes), who would not leave me in peace.  I drag myself out of bed at 6:09AM to give Sophie her insulin shot only to be welcomed with a present on my living room floor.  Thank you, Jesus, for Stanley Steemer.  So, I was in a wonderful mood as I laid back down on the couch and eventually turned on the Today Show only to watch the top story IN OUR WORLD be about the NFL referees.  I was so glad to see they highlighted this pivotal event over the trivial issues such as world hunger, people dying unloved every day, and adoption.  Thank you, NBC. 

Rabbit trail?

I get ready and accidentally stab myself in the face with those flossing pics.

I leave my house with a sore and maimed face and go to meet a dear lady who is becoming such a mentor to me. I am sharing in tears with her about something challenging (don’t try to guess, I’ll tell ya if ya wanna know), and she commented about my heart being beautiful to God…no joke.  She even commented on my femininity (I must admit I do have on a cute top).  I was leaving her to run to the mall to get a shirt before heading out of town (not as feminine of  a shirt, just a plain black one – I know some of you women were wondering).  First of all, I missed my turn in to the mall.  I don’t miss my turn.  I can be an “assertive” driver, right?? Rachel, Emily, Kindal – stop laughing!!   Anyway, the point being, I was delayed in getting to the Sears parking lot.  So, in I pull to the mall and am driving kind of fast and I see this old (and I mean OLD) lady and her husband WALKING ON HER WALKER and I slow down and was praying, “I hope I my heart is beautiful before you, Lord. The flesh and the Spirit battle it out, but you know my heart." AND THEN IT HAPPENED!!

ZOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!  This skinny, white guy with really bad hair comes running in front of my car at full speed ahead and he had a huge, nice purse in hand and the old lady (not the one on the walker, but another one) was SCREAMING!! People everywhere had stopped (okay, so there were about six people).  What did I do? I took off after him in my car.  I was flying diagonally through the mall parking lot and drove over a curb.  He, I’ll call him , “Donald”,  because Donald Trump also has really bad hair.  And as a side note, you’d think with all that money he would do something about that. 

I digress. Anyway, Donald keeps looking over his shoulder and starts to panic.  Because I am not leaving him any room to run anywhere but back towards the mall.  So he darts into this grassy area and runs up the hill.  I pull up and corner him on said grassy knoll (JFK) and he is STUCK.  He is in a triangle area of tree’s and up against a fence.  Donald is short and is freaking out.  Another guy comes up in his car and gets behind me.  I roll my window down because I am laughing so hard and Donald can’t easily go anywhere.  So here’s what he does.  He turns sideways and tries to hide behind a tree.  I yell, “I can see you!!! Do you really think I can’t see you?  I have pictures!!!”  I don’t really have pictures, but I want him to think I have pictures.  Dang. I wish I had pictures.  Well, at this point the cops arrive (and by cops I mean, “mall security” which is a woman in her early 100’s).  Donald-son, hops da fence (said in my best Mr. Miyagi voice – I love Karate Kid).  And the mall cop goes to town. 

At this point I can’t quit laughing.  I strutted around that mall like a guy who had just , well, honestly I have no idea what makes a guy strut around, but you get the idea.  I’m guessing if this staff care counseling thing doesn't work out I will always have a career in law enforcement.


Anonymous said...

I'm at the office laughing so hard I am crying.

You go girl!!!

Ansley said...

Hahahahaha awesome story

Debidoodl said...

You are hysterical Beth!!! You know how to tell a story! I think it's a spiritual gift :). 51-50 baby!! xoxo

Love said...

Reece and I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. Please tell this story in person in black mountain!

Nicole Ouwenga-Scott said...

you are hilarious, my friend. love the visual of that little man hiding from you:)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for starting my day with a ton of laughs!

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