Untitled - because I don't have a clue how to title what I've written. My guts.

We are on a break. I hope it’s permanent, but I know the heart a little too well. You’d think breaking up with insecurity would be an easy thing. I mean, who WANTS insecurity as a constant companion? However, before I sell myself totally short, I also know that I have been in a warrior mode this past year. So much so that I bought 150 arrows to give away and give away I did. Now I just need a bow, and I ain't talking about the girlie put in your hair bow that seems to be making a comeback among college women. That’s another blog entirely along with the resurgence of denim shorts and neon.

I had my pictures made this week.  When people ask me why, I tell them it’s for a magnet to send out @ Christmas to my financial supporters as a reminder to pray for me.  And while that is a small part of the reason, it was actually for a much bigger reason, a reason more significant.    

So I went to Aveda (Jen Carey, you were booked! I promise I did not cheat on you) and the lady curling my hair asked,

“So, are you having family pictures made?” 

“Yes.” 

She kept curling. I kept praying she wouldn't ask more questions.

“How many kids do you have?”

Breathe. 

“No kids.” 

“Do you and your husband want kids?” 

Breathe deeper.

“It’s just me.”

Crickets.

“You’re having pictures made by yourself?”

I nod.

“Well, that’s cool.  Go have a drink first.”

Laugh.

Insecurity – “Self-doubt, inhibition, nervousness, lack of confidence.” 

Confession.  I just wanted to edit the definition of “insecurity” to make myself look better. I’m insecure.

Or maybe it’s that sometimes it is hard to tell ourselves the truth?

A year ago I felt God impress 3 words on my heart: Covenant, joy, and beauty.  I wrote those words on a strip of fabric and kept it tied around my wrist for two months.

 ⁶ And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. ⁷ You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.⁸ You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. ⁹ You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. Deuteronomy 6

Covenant.

I desperately needed something to shift inside of my heart and mind.  I wanted to understand God’s covenant relationship with me on a deeper level and not just dismiss it as something for every Believer (which it is). It was one of those things that I wanted to know in every fiber of my being that God is WITH.

The LORD, our covenant God. Lasting and permanent.  Is this not what most of us are looking for? Something lasting and permanent because we are afraid and so very aware of our aloneness? I’m not talking about being lonely, I am referring to being an individual who is completely separate from any other person on the planet. The human experience, per se. 

What happens to you when you hear the first line of “How He Loves?” “He is jealous for me….”  Does it stir something in you that can’t be described? Our Creator is jealous for you? Me? Why?  What kind of love embodies the Father that He would want me so much that He sees it as a good thing for me to have a few more years to deeply become anchored in “covenant” – more years than I would have ever chosen, yet would never trade for another story.

Honesty about the things in our heart draw us near to the Heart of God.

 I can’t imagine being in a relationship where the Father had no emotion towards his children, and I, as a Daughter, am in need of my Father’s heart.

Joy.

We are still working on this one, but in the wrestle and disappointments, there’s an anchoring that continues to occur when life happens.  This will have to be for another blog.

Beauty.

Who knew that this would be the hardest one for me?!? Beauty. How do you even define this word? Perfect symmetry? A size 2? Someone who is 23 and has the metabolism of a 23 year old?

More often than not, when I think about beauty, I sometimes feel small.  Internally small.  The kind of soul shrinking small that steals life, causes paralysis and feeds a fear that has kept me awake at 3AM for the past six months.  

When I decided to stare this beast in the eye, I knew it would be a battle, but I didn't know how intense it would feel or how deep it would run.  When you begin to wake up to patterns in your life that you always considered “normal” and see now how much they steal from you, you will either:

1. Cower in fear and avoid what’s been revealed

2. Acknowledge it, but use the excuse, “This is just the way I am.”

                     OR

3. Courageously ask for a new way. 

We need a lot more people who will cry out from their hearts, “I want a new way!”  Hungry and desperate children cry out.  Now here’s the catch.  The gospel catch. 

Is the main reason we cry out in order to just feel better? 

Do we cry out so God might hear us and give us what we want?

Do we cry out “I want a new way” in order to not feel so exposed in our struggle?

Do we cry out because if we “fix” this area in our life then maybe God will give us our hearts desire?

With what motive do we cry out?

I want to cry out for a new way to reveal more of who God is.  To experience Him in deep and soul-changing ways.  To love people freely without it always being what’s in it for me. To relate to others as The Father, Son, and Spirit relate to one another.  To love Him first and foremost.

To be beautiful and unaware because it has nothing to do with what I look like, but everything to do with being fully alive to the One who looks at my heart.

So, I put my best dress on and I went to the woods and I smiled.

Lessons from Luke Bryan

Strange day.  I have had Luke Bryan on repeat all day long.  Not Bethel.  Not Christy Nockels, but Luke Bryan.  Crash My Party to be specific. It makes me happy.  It says “hell” and “baby” a lot, which normally isn’t my style, but it’s a “hell” and “baby” kind of day.   Yes, I’m a missionary.  Please still support me.

Anyway, there’s a line in the song that says, "Go ahead and call me, call me, call me. You don't have to worry 'bout it baby. You can wake me up in the dead of the night; wreck my plans baby that's alright.."  Oh the depths of Luke Bryan's soul. (I think the “baby” count is up to 7. You’re welcome.)

Pretty sure he was singing this for his preggers wife. Lucky woman. I hope she has a brain and depth.

Anyway, it’s been one of those days where life feels like a country song when you recount it, “Yeah, my dog is gonna die, baby, but then she revives, boom boom. Yeah, my heart‘s been run over by a tractor, baby. Oh look, here comes a shirtless man in jorts, ‘Where’s your husband, Red? Wanna go out, baby? Call me, call me, call me’, oh and don’t forget to read your exes book that just got published.  OH, oh, oh….and you lost some support. Jesus take the wheel.”   

Is this what Jesus was talking about when he said, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” John 10:10 

Abundant life. 

Abundant – “existing or available in large quantities; plentiful”

Life -  “ the ability to grow, change, etc., that separates plants and animals from things like water or rocks

: the period of time when a person is alive

: the experience of being alive

How do you walk in abundance when you feel lacking? 

You live honestly.  You walk in honesty before Jesus and others.  You lay it all before Him.  You receive.  You give yourself grace.  You cling to truth.  You put on your armor.  You walk by faith.  You embrace seasons as something to journey through and not just try and get around.  You give thanks.  You lean towards the Father with your questions rather than away. 

A friend of mine walked me through Psalm 84 last week.  He shared with me about how we fall in love with God and then we leave home and journey to be with God.  The Psalmist refers to journeying through the Valley of Baca which means, “suffering,” but the Valley leads to the throne room.  The throne room…being with God who when we are lacking says, “no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless” and that is good news.  That is abundant life.  Embrace the journey.  Embrace this season for all that He has in it for you.  Wave to me from your valley and the throne room. 

WITHness

 There’s a funny sign I saw recently that said something to the effect of, “I can’t wait for you to come over so we can sit in silence and play on our phones.”   And while at times I am just as guilty, I can’t help but wonder why we feel increasingly lonely and isolated, even in a room of friends. 

One of my greatest passions is to grow and see others grow in the area of being WITH someone as they share a piece of their story, their SELF.  For many it is a risk to talk about the deep things of the heart.  What I’m realizing is that every person has a different definition on what “deep things of the heart” actually are.  For one friend it is telling about a struggle at work and another it is about a struggle in marriage.  Truly is there anything like presence? For a few moments that person knows that they matter, they are important, heard, valued and hopefully leads to an ease in the ache of loneliness.  What a gift to be seen and to SEE.  The power of WITHness leads to life change. 

Think of the people in your life that just the mere sitting down across from them can trigger tears….tears because you feel safe and vulnerable and there is no pretense.  You need to hang on to this friend, because what they carry is sacred.  What they offer to you is their very self.  Jesus fully alive in his sons and daughters, loving with no thought of cost or what’s in it for them.  We need more sons and daughters like this. 

I want to call out sons and daughters who are okay with silence in a group.  Sons and daughters who don’t short circuit a person’s sharing and pain by offering to pray right away……don’t get me wrong. Prayer is great! Needed! But when it is just a way for you to not feel uncomfortable with someone’s pain, then I encourage you to get your squirm under the authority of the Spirit and struggle with staying present.  We could learn a lot from our Jewish brothers and sisters when it comes to pain and grief.  They sit Shiva for 7 days after a loss. Traditionally, no greetings are exchanged and visitors wait for the mourners to initiate conversation, or remain silent if the mourners do not do so, out of respect for their bereavement. They even sit on the floor near those mourning.  There’s something powerful about being WITH. A few months ago I shared my testimony in a setting with people that I did not know well.  Afterwards, someone came and knelt down in front of me and proceeded to ask me questions no one had ever asked.  I was pretty undone internally and was not quite willing to answer. This person’s care and interest was like nothing I had experienced regarding interest in one particular part of my story. I wish I could go back to that moment. What he offered me was powerful. I'd respond differently. I want to be the type of friend who will kneel down and ask the question. 

When someone share’s their story do you give them eye contact?  Do you look around as they are talking? Do you ask questions because you are genuinely curious about that image bearer?  If you are uncomfortable “going there” then that’s okay.  We all start somewhere.  So here’s to you starting today or tomorrow.  Practice giving of your presence. 100%.  Your relationships will change and YOU will change.  Jesus is about relationship.  Praise God he doesn’t have an iPhone or TV because that would get on my nerves.  On this journey of WITHness alongside you.  

Songs of 2013 (so far)

I sat down to write a post about what it means to drink from The Cup that Jesus extends, but I just can't go there tonight, thus you get a shallow post (wahoo for shallow and breezy!) with a list of songs I've been playing over and over in 2013....a songbook of my year. So if you are in need of some different music and haven't heard these, check them out.

Get your worship on playlist:
1.  I See Heaven - Bryan and Katie Torwalt
2. Ellie Holcomb's entire album
3. Dance With Me - Eddie James
4. Running - Christ for the Nations Music
5. The More I Seek You - Kari Jobe
6. Great Are You Lord - All Sons and Daughters
7. Glorious Ruins - Hillsong
8. Spirit Break Out - Kim Walker Smith
9. One Thirst - Bethel
10. Come to Me - Jenn Johnson
11. Lord Come - Will Reagan & United Pursuit
12. Take a Moment - Will Reagan & United Pursuit
13. Faith to Believe - Shane and Shane
14. Though You Slay Me - Shane and Shane
15. Commission - Will Reagan & United Pursuit
16. Rend Collective Experiment
17. Every Season (an oldie) - Nichole Nordeman
18. Everything to You - Bethel
19. Your Love is Moving - Christy Nockels
20. Give Me Honesty - Jonathan Etienne
21. God I Look to You - Antioch Community Church
22. God of the Redeemed - Bethel
23. He is Faithful - Bryan and Katie Torwalt
24. I Shall Not Want - Audrey Assad
25. A Million Suns - Hillsong United
26. My Portion Is You - Antioch Community Church
27. Nothing Is Wasted - Elevation Church
28. Blessed Assurance - Steven Curtis Chapman
29. You Revive Me - Christy Nockels
30. Who Can Compare - Mary Kat

And some not so praise tunes:
1. Golden - Lady Antebellum
2. Can't Stand the Rain - Lady Antebellum
3. A Thing for You - Easton Corbin
4. Every Teardrop is a Waterfall - Coldplay
5. When It Don't Come Easy - Patty Griffin
6. What Would I Do Without You - Drew Holcomb
7. The Wine We Drink - Drew Holcomb (don't worry if you are Baptist you can pretend it is grape juice)
8. Tennessee - Drew Holcomb
9. Love Is Waiting -Brook Fraser
10. Born to Love You - Nathan Angelo
11. Love Is Everything -George Strait

And you can't go wrong with:
1. Don't Stop Til Ya Get Enough
2. Faithfully
3. You're the Inspiration
4. Don't Stop Believing
I mean, I'm so cool.

I fell in love with Jesus my sophomore year in college.  I thought I loved him before that, and maybe in some ways I did, but something happened in me when I was 20 that changed me to the core.  Perhaps it was my RA, Monica, who led me in a bible study and was so raw and authentic with her own struggles that mine didn't seem so scary to talk about.  For whatever reason, God became so real to me and I haven’t been the same since.  I also haven’t been able to walk away from college ministry after 15 years.  I've tried.  Believe me, I've tried.  Raising support isn't high on my list of, “Yes, please let me do this forever!” However, God has always provided.  This week as I begin another year serving the staff and the 1 million college students of the Mid-south region, I am praying and thinking about all of you who serve tirelessly and HARD! So let me give a shout out to my brothers and sisters on campuses all over the USA. 

Here’s to the endless string of staff meetings to decide whether or not to do survey tables or freshmen move-in!  To the staff (Brent Jordan) who faithfully buys ice cream scoops every year for the freshmen ice cream social! Here’s to the long quiet times everyone on the team will have to have because they are frustrated that for the 6^th year in a row no one knows where the ice cream scoops are.  They are probably with the extra socks that come out of the dryer. 

Cheers to the staff that stay up until 1AM cleaning up from the dance party where your students mingled with newbie’s and shared the love of Jesus with someone for the first time. To the staff who try and find a room for any event on campus, SHALOM to you, my friend.  Blessings to the minister who is known by first and last name, date of birth, blood type and Myers-Brigg by every Kinko’s worker in a 50 mile radius.  When the employees have a cart ready and waiting for you at Sam’s and Costco, you have truly arrived.

For every staff member who has hauled around boxes of bananas in your car for Fall Retreat, grace to you (and to your car).  It won’t take you long to realize that is a job you pass off to new staff EVERY YEAR. It’s an unspoken.  Another unspoken? How much you SWEAT the first six weeks of school. It’s no joke, people. 

Abundant grace over the phone calls you make to try and set up appointments with students.  “Hi, this is Beth  with Cru and I’d love a chance to get together and tell you little bit about what we’re about.  Do you have time to get together this week?” (Pause.)  “No? How about next week?” (Pause) “No? How about after Labor Day?” (Pause.) “No? How about April 23^rd at 2PM?”  It’s not me, it’s you.

For all the times you get the shaft when you are passing out Red Bull’s and Bible’s….you’re still cool.  Or not.  Stop wearing your shirts tucked in and see how that works for you.  

As you meet with that freshmen who stares at his shoes or texts the whole time you are with them, remember that they could come on staff one day and be a world changer.  For example, my girl Jill. I met her as her parents drove up in a van and we unloaded her stuff into her dorm, along with the brooding boyfriend.  Jill and I met and I was telling her about Cru and talking about Jesus and she was eating ice cream and said, “Well, I’m Lutheran and I’m gonna stay that way.”  Well, good for you, Jill.  Jill is in fact on staff, has a kid, pours out her life and I’m not sure if she’s Lutheran or not, but she sure does love Jesus. 

Then there are moments like this:

These freshmen, four years later just might link arms and go after it for Jesus with all their hearts.  God will use YOU to teach them to be honest, to ask the hard questions, to love them in their mess, challenge them to think of others, teach them to share their faith, watch them begin to invest in others, see them give their future to a life of ministry no matter what the vocation, stand with them in their weddings, will hold their babies, and watch them continue to run.  To think that it all started with buying ice cream scoops for a social.  RUN HARD MY FRIENDS!! Running with you……….

The Bachelorette is most certainly REAL LIFE

Once upon a time (Monday), in a land far, far away (Knoxville), a nameless girl (me, Beth) gathered with friends to watch a fairy tale (The Bachelorette) play out magically (on TV) before their very eyes.  It wasn't long before I (said nameless girl) realized the irony of what I was doing and what many of my dear friends were doing at that same moment.  I was watching reality TV and my friends were in a foreign country seeing dozens of people come to know Jesus and be healed.  I had really wanted to go on that trip, but alas, I was (and am) still raising support for my job with a campus ministry and just could not do it this summer.  I am rabbit trailing.  Anyway, I was sitting there literally feeling pieces of my self-respect DIE when I realized that indeed The Bachelorette was not a fairy tale, but actually much like real life for most of us.  Let me explain. 

At least once a year I, like most people, have a makeup team, stylist, and Sugar Daddy show up with an unlimited budget for me to get my hairs did, teeth redone (I am from Tennessee), Botox injections, filler, a personal trainer, and two weeks shopping and doing commercial shoots for my TV show. It is always so easy for me to get away from my job as a counselor with a campus ministry.  I go to California and then travel around the world with 25 Jesus loving men that have been hand-picked to try and win my heart.  And for six weeks at a time I use the rare phrases phrases “we have such chemistry” and “we have a deep connection” ALMOST as much as I use phrases such as “skinny jeans suck” and “What’s Oprah doing now?”  Real life, people! This is no fairytale.  Stop judging The Bachelorette.  She’s no different than “us.”

Lest you feel that you can’t fully relate with what I just described, let me try and broaden the net to include you commoners.  After I go through the annual styling and “fixer upper” regime (my step-dad sometimes relates a woman’s appearance to the condition of a car –“Well, she’s a little beat up, but she’s sturdy – re: 1976 Chevy Impala), I am flown by helicopter to a yacht in the sea where I put on my normal attire of a $25,000 sequin gown.  Once they have finished with my airbrush makeup, I am brought into the harbor and given my understated Tiffany blue Bentley.  My supporters don’t mind.  They say they are so glad they can support me in my dreams.  IN. MY. DREAMS. 

I show up to my mansion and stand in my five inch stilettos, because I feel most myself in sequins and five inch stilettos, and await the arrival of 25 men to meet me.  So every day.  I’m always encouraged by the character of these men.  Every year, they get better and better.   Oh my goodness, one time this guy got out of the limo and gave me a WWJD bracelet, but that was nothing compared to the guy who painted me an imitation Thomas Kinkade painting with my name hidden in the painting.  One year a dude wrote me a poem and compared me to Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz in which he said, “Like Toto, I stand at the end of the yellow brick road and eagerly await your call.”  (Actually, this was written to me my sophomore year in high school by my botany lab partner).  The icing on the cake was when one of the guys read sections out of, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” on his knees all while spraying cologne in the air.  I swoon.

At the end of the day, I have to lay my head on the pillow with my own thoughts, just like Des, the current Bachelorette.  We really are living in the same world.  Her pillowcases might be silk and mine might be $18 t-shirt sheets, but hey, it’s all about perspective.  Anyway, I just did not think it was fair for the whole world to be making such judgment calls about this show, because it IS REAL and I’m living proof of that statement.

Where I Am

What a week it has been.  I've moved into a new home, had it filled four times already with people, laughter, tears, prayers, worship and cooking.  It's a place of family and a place I believe will be about restoration for hurting and lonely people.  I've shed some tears of joy several times this week as I have gone to bed with a heart full and hope of days to come.  God's pursuit of the heart is unending, unwavering, relentless and stubborn.  My friend Emily's daughter is obsessed with princesses right now.  She twirls and spins and asks Emily when watching a princess movie, "Where's her daddy?"  You would think she would be curious about Prince Charming, but no, she wants to know where the princesses daddy is.....On a side note, Prince Charming has never totally moved me and I think I can pinpoint it to the fact that he wears tights or skinny leggings and I just don't think I will ever be attracted to a man who wears skinny jeans or leggings or tights. I've digressed.  All that to say is that I'm seeing Daddy in so many ways and I am grateful. There have been many times over the past six weeks that I have needed to see my Dad and He has been WITH me every step of the way, especially when it is areas where I do not see the next step.  He is a good, good Father. A Father who pursues and will not let go.

During this super fun season, there are still some things that haunt me. There's a struggle even typing this, because I feel the need to be okay because everyone else wants me to be okay now that I have a house. I can feel guilty with having received so much that it is overwhelming, and yet still have some deep things stirring and never letting me just be. Can there be room for both joy and grief? I think so.  My way of "coping" is to analyze and evaluate what's going on internally. "Evaluating and analyzing keeps you from having to face your longing."  These words from a wise friend of mine over dinner tonight caused me to stop breathing for a moment.  She was right.  If I stay in my head that means I don't have to engage my heart with my good, good Father. It is avoiding in the most glorified way. Another friend of mine has a daughter who when I first interact with her she is always super cautious and shy.  She will hide behind him and then over time she will engage with me, talk to me without looking and then eventually she will be sitting with me and sharing some things that are on her heart all while engaging me in face to face conversation.  When she gets to that place with me, I am riveted because she is pouring out her sweet heart and I know that moment is sacred and to pay attention.  She's not in her head analyzing and evaluating, but living freely and openly.  She's 4 and she challenges me to engage with my Father in my longing, not just my head.  I think He is deeply moved by sons and daughters whose hearts are fully alive to Him.  Time and again throughout Scripture the authors speak of the heart - over and over and over again.  And honestly, it is refreshing looking at all the passages and realizing that I don't have to be afraid of engaging my heart.  So many people in the Church are terrifed of emotion and we are always hearing caution about not letting emotions rule you. True and I agree, but how often do we hear of warnings to stop living in our head and to engage our hearts? Let's go for it.

So, are you one who struggles with living in your head? Perhaps it is a crutch that keeps you from engaging with the Father in the tender places of your longing.  Praying and trusting He will meet you there.....