Monday, May 6, 2013

Where I Am

What a week it has been.  I've moved into a new home, had it filled four times already with people, laughter, tears, prayers, worship and cooking.  It's a place of family and a place I believe will be about restoration for hurting and lonely people.  I've shed some tears of joy several times this week as I have gone to bed with a heart full and hope of days to come.  God's pursuit of the heart is unending, unwavering, relentless and stubborn.  My friend Emily's daughter is obsessed with princesses right now.  She twirls and spins and asks Emily when watching a princess movie, "Where's her daddy?"  You would think she would be curious about Prince Charming, but no, she wants to know where the princesses daddy is.....On a side note, Prince Charming has never totally moved me and I think I can pinpoint it to the fact that he wears tights or skinny leggings and I just don't think I will ever be attracted to a man who wears skinny jeans or leggings or tights. I've digressed.  All that to say is that I'm seeing Daddy in so many ways and I am grateful. There have been many times over the past six weeks that I have needed to see my Dad and He has been WITH me every step of the way, especially when it is areas where I do not see the next step.  He is a good, good Father. A Father who pursues and will not let go.

During this super fun season, there are still some things that haunt me. There's a struggle even typing this, because I feel the need to be okay because everyone else wants me to be okay now that I have a house. I can feel guilty with having received so much that it is overwhelming, and yet still have some deep things stirring and never letting me just be. Can there be room for both joy and grief? I think so.  My way of "coping" is to analyze and evaluate what's going on internally. "Evaluating and analyzing keeps you from having to face your longing."  These words from a wise friend of mine over dinner tonight caused me to stop breathing for a moment.  She was right.  If I stay in my head that means I don't have to engage my heart with my good, good Father. It is avoiding in the most glorified way. Another friend of mine has a daughter who when I first interact with her she is always super cautious and shy.  She will hide behind him and then over time she will engage with me, talk to me without looking and then eventually she will be sitting with me and sharing some things that are on her heart all while engaging me in face to face conversation.  When she gets to that place with me, I am riveted because she is pouring out her sweet heart and I know that moment is sacred and to pay attention.  She's not in her head analyzing and evaluating, but living freely and openly.  She's 4 and she challenges me to engage with my Father in my longing, not just my head.  I think He is deeply moved by sons and daughters whose hearts are fully alive to Him.  Time and again throughout Scripture the authors speak of the heart - over and over and over again.  And honestly, it is refreshing looking at all the passages and realizing that I don't have to be afraid of engaging my heart.  So many people in the Church are terrifed of emotion and we are always hearing caution about not letting emotions rule you. True and I agree, but how often do we hear of warnings to stop living in our head and to engage our hearts? Let's go for it.

So, are you one who struggles with living in your head? Perhaps it is a crutch that keeps you from engaging with the Father in the tender places of your longing.  Praying and trusting He will meet you there.....

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