Friendshp

Friendship. 

In 2002 I met Darren.  We were going to be serving on UT’s campus together with Cru.  He hopped out of the van at the Outback, along with my friend Eric and we started a friendship that has been significant in my life.  Together, along with Eric, my friend Haley and several others who transitioned in and out, made up this little family.  I don’t think I have ever laughed as hard as I laughed when I was with D and E.  Those years were priceless, and in hindsight, fairly easy.   We all wanted to be married (not to each other, just to clarify -:)) and have a family of our own.  We talked about it often, dreamt about it, and we knew the name D would name his daughter, and that his wife needed to wear chaco’s.  We watched each others hearts be hurt and the grieving process and encourage one another to have hope in those particular seasons. We understood.  D would say to me, “Beth, I just see you with some big, strapping man.”  He would usually make this comment after a bad experience or seeing a pic of a guy who had asked me out.  re: not this joker.  Friendship. History forming. 

When D and E left Knoxville, it was hard.  The loss of their daily presence I felt everywhere.  We would still see each other and talk and I realized the history we had was a gift. History is significant.  I’m feeling it acutely during this particular season of life.  Two years ago, I cried like a baby as Eric stood next to D on his wedding day and we adopted Danielle (who does not like chaco's) into our little family.  Or more like she adopted me into hers.  I had prayed for this unknown woman for years and what a joy it was to see D’s longing fulfilled in our Danielle.  Friendship. History. Rejoicing.

Tonight D and Danielle are upstairs asleep in my sweet gift of a home.  They also have little Addie (not the name “Bailey” he had told us repeatedly that he would name his daughter all those years when he was single).  I’m smiling as I think about the journey with them and how rich it is/was to be a part of that. What a gift.  So, tonight they were asking me questions about life and we were catching up and I wasn’t going to “go there” with them because I am on my own nerves with my disappointments, but they asked and I began to share with them my journey of the past year.  The highs and the lows and the very lows and the joy and the pain and the awakening of hope and the diminishing of hope and how the battle is real.  They were locked in and WITH me.  The look of pain on their faces and smiles at other moments moved me.  But what moved me the most was this.  This friend who has walked with me for 12 years, who has longed for and prayed for me and desired the same things that I have, looked at me and said, “Beth, one day, maybe April or May, you are going to be sitting in Sequoyah Hills park, the suns going to be shining on your face, and you will begin to feel it again…..you will begin to feel hope again.  Right now in the disappointments, it feels diminished, but it won’t always be like this.”  It was sacred space.  

The issues here isn’t about what my disappointment is or what it isn’t.  It’s not important here, because what’s important is this……hope will rise.  It will come when you least expect it.  Sometimes hope is hard fought for and sometimes it is just what is to be received, but God wants to give us hope, and hope comes from trust.  Trusting that the Father is good even and especially in the times of mystery.  The times of mystery where there  ARE NO ANSWERS! The only answer we get is Jesus himself.  I”m learning that is enough.  My friends gave me a gift tonight - they spoke the promise of hope when I do not feel it.  We need friends who will carry that for us during seasons where we struggle.  Jesus, thank you for giving YOUR PRESENCE in this season of mystery.  Thank you for giving me friends.  

The Worst Missionary Ever

I just got home from a day of back to back appointments. What a gift to hear people share their lives.  However, I find myself sitting on my couch wondering how can I receive God’s grace today? In THIS moment.  I had what I would rank as being in my top 3 “I’m the very worst missionary, person, human, staff person, counselor, friend on the planet” moments today.  It ranks right up there with the time I told a student her tongue was like gangrene.  Not one of my finer moments in life.  I feel sad.  I feel sad at how my words can hurt and cut.  They linger in the air and I would give anything to take them back or explain them away, but there is no such app, button or time machine.  While I might not have the magic app, what I do have is the choice to own my words and ask where they came from?  There is ownership and forgiveness and grace.  There is the gift that doesn’t feel like a gift - a severe mercy - that will come from this careless wrong.  I pray that this will mark me. Mark me in such a way that I will never be so careless again.  

This morning started off with my face on the floor praying for God to use me however he wanted. It is easy to be on your face when you feel you are “good.”  Being on your face in the midst of failure brings a new and deeper sense of depravity and need for God’s grace and mercy.  So bring it on, but just as importantly, I pray I am marked in such a way as to never do again what I did today.  But here’s reality.  My cousin Ami just texted and said, “I’m laughing.  He’s pulling you out of your wholeness and into His.”  YES!  I can get my counseling degree, counsel others, pour out my life, read books on the heart, give talks about renewing the mind and being self-aware and it is not good enough.  IT is not about my wholeness, or lack thereof.  It’s about stepping into HIS wholeness in my brokenness.  He is the one who lifts my head.  He is the only one who can forgive sins.  He is the one who can heal all the sweet students and staff and friends and family who I have hurt along the way.  I’m not trying to go “all bad” on myself here, but to honestly acknowledge that I am thinking that today might be a game-changer for me and to that I am grateful. 

Anyone else feeling broken or shame today?  Chip Dodd in Voice of the Heart (see, I can’t get away from this stuff :)) says,

In brokenness we are offered the opportunity to see our powerlessness
and neediness.  These painful circumstances often break us of our pride-
filled defiance against needing and break us of the fear that our lack of
power will result in rejection.  

Shame is also the emotion that makes us aware of our incompleteness.  It helps us see that we need others.  There’s a shame that leads us to God, but then there’s an unhealthy shame (Dodd would call it, “impaired shame”) which leads to self-rejection.  “In impaired shame we have learned to equate humility with humiliation, failure with uselessness, and inability with worthlessness.  This makes healthy shame toxic.”  So we have a choice today. You and me.  Do we let shame and brokenness lead us to repentance and to receive a grace that frees? Or do I think grace is too good for me and wallow?  Jesus’ invitation is to the poor, lepers, sick, prostitutes, tax collectors, liars, demonized, and even to a pharisee like me.  He’s invitational to you today as well.  If you are too scared or full of shame to limp to the throne then call me and I will limp with you and together we will find grace and mercy in our time of need.

Emmanuel

Merry Christmas, my friends.  Come sit with me by the manger for a few moments.  Emmanuel - God WITH us. WITH you.  WITH me.  Lord, you have come to dwell with us.  Why on earth (pardon the double entendre’) would you choose to be WITH and to dwell WITH?  This is where my good friend would tell me that I will never have answers to some questions.  It’s part of the mystery of God. I know this is true, but it doesn’t stop the asking.  You can ask God questions one of two ways: 1. Accusatory and hurt with a demand for an answer to somehow make sense of the pain you feel, or 2. You can lean in with your question, yet not demand, but accept mystery. 

I’ve seen Emmanuel in a zillion ways this year.

God WITH my friend Jane in her cancer battle.

God WITH my sister Abby through heart-wrenching loss of her earthly dad.

God WITH my friends in ministry going through financial hardship.

God WITH my friends as they fight for their marriage.

God WITH my friend Megan as she had her first baby after a heartbreaking miscarriage.

God WITH my friend Jenny who had a baby after three late-term miscarriages.

God WITH my friend Chris who is courageously leaving a home and friends and family he loves.

God WITH my friend Darren as he dreamed of a daughter and saw sweet Addie born - what a great dad.

God WITH my friend Jen as she’s walked through loss after loss and still has a soft heart.

God WITH my Dad as he faced some health challenges.

God WITH my dear friend who was suicidal and now lifts her hands in praise for life.

God WITH me as I did one thing after the other this year that scared me.

God WITH me as I sat through about 36 baby and wedding showers.

God WITH me as I closed on a house I didn’t dream possible.

God WITH me in the mystery.

We mean EVERYTHING to Him. 

Lately I’ve been sitting in the chair you see pictured above and the footboard of my bed is right in front of that chair.  I imagine Jesus sitting on that footboard talking with me, listening, caring. Never once have I imagined him as a baby, but the past few days I’ve been captivated with the thought that He came as a baby. Emmanuel.  

Ann Voskamp writes,

Love had to come back for you.  Love had to get to you.  This night, you on

this visited planet, your rescue is here.  You can breathe.  Your God extends

now on straw.  Rejected at the inn, holy God comes in small to where you 

feel rejected and small.  God is with you now.  Come kneel close.  God waits 

for you to draw close.  God waits to be held.  Tonight, at the foot of the cradle

of Christ, like at the foot of the Cross of Christ, there are no big people - no

powerful or proud.  Tonight there are only those who tramp to the manger with 

nothing.  What can all manger tramps do but wrap the vulnerable God in strips of

bare, broken hearts so He can lodge in the intimacy of us?  The greatest Gift laid

into our empty hands……

We come to the manger with questions and leave transformed. Ironically, we probably still don’t have answers, but somehow that’s not as important anymore.  We can’t help but be changed in the presence of a baby.  Just ask any parent about the birth of their child and they will agree.  

Often you will hear me say, “I’m a mess.”  This statement bothers some people.  It scares them. Somehow they think it is self-deprecating and not walking in all that we are.  But I have news for you….we are all a mess.  A glorious mess.  We are so loved. We are so broken. We are so wanted.  So tonight, for just a little while longer, I will in all my glorious mess, sit and talk with this baby - Emmanuel.  God WITH us.

Advent

It's the night before Advent begins.  Growing up as a Southern Baptist, I was unfamiliar with the celebration preceding Christmas.  The richness of Advent is hard to describe - you have to experience it.  What is Advent? It means, "coming or arrival, especially of something or someone extremely important."  I wrote this devotional for my grad school 2 years ago to date and thought I would re-post it since it sums up Advent for me.  I hope you will join me over the next 25 days as we eagerly wait......

Over 400 years had passed since the last words of the prophets had been spoken. No new revelation had been given. Waiting. Watching. Hoping.  When would Messiah come?  Do you think their hope began to wane?  Do you think they questioned whether He would ever come?  Do you think their longing turned to hopelessness or a bitter, questioning heart?  When hope seems elusive, our hearts can despair.  However, imagine a stable, a manger, a baby, our Savior.  I wonder if on the night Messiah was born, the world felt something shift.  The One who would arrive would bring Hope, because Hope is not in things, dreams, wants, and others, HOPE is a Person, the person of Jesus. I encourage you to take a minute and reflect and listen to my favorite Christmas song, O Holy Night and think about the significance of that quiet night in Bethlehem when Hope came in the form of a baby.  And tonight, whatever it is you are still waiting for...take courage and look for beauty rising from the ashes.

O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining, 
It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth. 
Long lay the world in sin and error pining. 
Till He appeared and the Soul felt its worth. 
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices, 
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn. 
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices! 
O night divine, the night when Christ was born; ! 

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming, 
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand. 
O'er the world a star is sweetly gleaming, 
Now come the wisemen from out of the Orient land. 
The King of kings lay thus lowly manger; 
In all our trials born to be our friends. 
He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger, 

Truly He taught us to love one another, 
His law is love and His gospel is peace. 
Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother. 
And in his name all oppression shall cease. 
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we, 
With all our hearts we praise His holy name. 
Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we, 
His power and glory ever more proclaim! 
His power and glory ever more proclaim!

Untitled - because I don't have a clue how to title what I've written. My guts.

We are on a break. I hope it’s permanent, but I know the heart a little too well. You’d think breaking up with insecurity would be an easy thing. I mean, who WANTS insecurity as a constant companion? However, before I sell myself totally short, I also know that I have been in a warrior mode this past year. So much so that I bought 150 arrows to give away and give away I did. Now I just need a bow, and I ain't talking about the girlie put in your hair bow that seems to be making a comeback among college women. That’s another blog entirely along with the resurgence of denim shorts and neon.

I had my pictures made this week.  When people ask me why, I tell them it’s for a magnet to send out @ Christmas to my financial supporters as a reminder to pray for me.  And while that is a small part of the reason, it was actually for a much bigger reason, a reason more significant.    

So I went to Aveda (Jen Carey, you were booked! I promise I did not cheat on you) and the lady curling my hair asked,

“So, are you having family pictures made?” 

“Yes.” 

She kept curling. I kept praying she wouldn't ask more questions.

“How many kids do you have?”

Breathe. 

“No kids.” 

“Do you and your husband want kids?” 

Breathe deeper.

“It’s just me.”

Crickets.

“You’re having pictures made by yourself?”

I nod.

“Well, that’s cool.  Go have a drink first.”

Laugh.

Insecurity – “Self-doubt, inhibition, nervousness, lack of confidence.” 

Confession.  I just wanted to edit the definition of “insecurity” to make myself look better. I’m insecure.

Or maybe it’s that sometimes it is hard to tell ourselves the truth?

A year ago I felt God impress 3 words on my heart: Covenant, joy, and beauty.  I wrote those words on a strip of fabric and kept it tied around my wrist for two months.

 ⁶ And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. ⁷ You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.⁸ You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. ⁹ You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. Deuteronomy 6

Covenant.

I desperately needed something to shift inside of my heart and mind.  I wanted to understand God’s covenant relationship with me on a deeper level and not just dismiss it as something for every Believer (which it is). It was one of those things that I wanted to know in every fiber of my being that God is WITH.

The LORD, our covenant God. Lasting and permanent.  Is this not what most of us are looking for? Something lasting and permanent because we are afraid and so very aware of our aloneness? I’m not talking about being lonely, I am referring to being an individual who is completely separate from any other person on the planet. The human experience, per se. 

What happens to you when you hear the first line of “How He Loves?” “He is jealous for me….”  Does it stir something in you that can’t be described? Our Creator is jealous for you? Me? Why?  What kind of love embodies the Father that He would want me so much that He sees it as a good thing for me to have a few more years to deeply become anchored in “covenant” – more years than I would have ever chosen, yet would never trade for another story.

Honesty about the things in our heart draw us near to the Heart of God.

 I can’t imagine being in a relationship where the Father had no emotion towards his children, and I, as a Daughter, am in need of my Father’s heart.

Joy.

We are still working on this one, but in the wrestle and disappointments, there’s an anchoring that continues to occur when life happens.  This will have to be for another blog.

Beauty.

Who knew that this would be the hardest one for me?!? Beauty. How do you even define this word? Perfect symmetry? A size 2? Someone who is 23 and has the metabolism of a 23 year old?

More often than not, when I think about beauty, I sometimes feel small.  Internally small.  The kind of soul shrinking small that steals life, causes paralysis and feeds a fear that has kept me awake at 3AM for the past six months.  

When I decided to stare this beast in the eye, I knew it would be a battle, but I didn't know how intense it would feel or how deep it would run.  When you begin to wake up to patterns in your life that you always considered “normal” and see now how much they steal from you, you will either:

1. Cower in fear and avoid what’s been revealed

2. Acknowledge it, but use the excuse, “This is just the way I am.”

                     OR

3. Courageously ask for a new way. 

We need a lot more people who will cry out from their hearts, “I want a new way!”  Hungry and desperate children cry out.  Now here’s the catch.  The gospel catch. 

Is the main reason we cry out in order to just feel better? 

Do we cry out so God might hear us and give us what we want?

Do we cry out “I want a new way” in order to not feel so exposed in our struggle?

Do we cry out because if we “fix” this area in our life then maybe God will give us our hearts desire?

With what motive do we cry out?

I want to cry out for a new way to reveal more of who God is.  To experience Him in deep and soul-changing ways.  To love people freely without it always being what’s in it for me. To relate to others as The Father, Son, and Spirit relate to one another.  To love Him first and foremost.

To be beautiful and unaware because it has nothing to do with what I look like, but everything to do with being fully alive to the One who looks at my heart.

So, I put my best dress on and I went to the woods and I smiled.

Lessons from Luke Bryan

Strange day.  I have had Luke Bryan on repeat all day long.  Not Bethel.  Not Christy Nockels, but Luke Bryan.  Crash My Party to be specific. It makes me happy.  It says “hell” and “baby” a lot, which normally isn’t my style, but it’s a “hell” and “baby” kind of day.   Yes, I’m a missionary.  Please still support me.

Anyway, there’s a line in the song that says, "Go ahead and call me, call me, call me. You don't have to worry 'bout it baby. You can wake me up in the dead of the night; wreck my plans baby that's alright.."  Oh the depths of Luke Bryan's soul. (I think the “baby” count is up to 7. You’re welcome.)

Pretty sure he was singing this for his preggers wife. Lucky woman. I hope she has a brain and depth.

Anyway, it’s been one of those days where life feels like a country song when you recount it, “Yeah, my dog is gonna die, baby, but then she revives, boom boom. Yeah, my heart‘s been run over by a tractor, baby. Oh look, here comes a shirtless man in jorts, ‘Where’s your husband, Red? Wanna go out, baby? Call me, call me, call me’, oh and don’t forget to read your exes book that just got published.  OH, oh, oh….and you lost some support. Jesus take the wheel.”   

Is this what Jesus was talking about when he said, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” John 10:10 

Abundant life. 

Abundant – “existing or available in large quantities; plentiful”

Life -  “ the ability to grow, change, etc., that separates plants and animals from things like water or rocks

: the period of time when a person is alive

: the experience of being alive

How do you walk in abundance when you feel lacking? 

You live honestly.  You walk in honesty before Jesus and others.  You lay it all before Him.  You receive.  You give yourself grace.  You cling to truth.  You put on your armor.  You walk by faith.  You embrace seasons as something to journey through and not just try and get around.  You give thanks.  You lean towards the Father with your questions rather than away. 

A friend of mine walked me through Psalm 84 last week.  He shared with me about how we fall in love with God and then we leave home and journey to be with God.  The Psalmist refers to journeying through the Valley of Baca which means, “suffering,” but the Valley leads to the throne room.  The throne room…being with God who when we are lacking says, “no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless” and that is good news.  That is abundant life.  Embrace the journey.  Embrace this season for all that He has in it for you.  Wave to me from your valley and the throne room. 

WITHness

 There’s a funny sign I saw recently that said something to the effect of, “I can’t wait for you to come over so we can sit in silence and play on our phones.”   And while at times I am just as guilty, I can’t help but wonder why we feel increasingly lonely and isolated, even in a room of friends. 

One of my greatest passions is to grow and see others grow in the area of being WITH someone as they share a piece of their story, their SELF.  For many it is a risk to talk about the deep things of the heart.  What I’m realizing is that every person has a different definition on what “deep things of the heart” actually are.  For one friend it is telling about a struggle at work and another it is about a struggle in marriage.  Truly is there anything like presence? For a few moments that person knows that they matter, they are important, heard, valued and hopefully leads to an ease in the ache of loneliness.  What a gift to be seen and to SEE.  The power of WITHness leads to life change. 

Think of the people in your life that just the mere sitting down across from them can trigger tears….tears because you feel safe and vulnerable and there is no pretense.  You need to hang on to this friend, because what they carry is sacred.  What they offer to you is their very self.  Jesus fully alive in his sons and daughters, loving with no thought of cost or what’s in it for them.  We need more sons and daughters like this. 

I want to call out sons and daughters who are okay with silence in a group.  Sons and daughters who don’t short circuit a person’s sharing and pain by offering to pray right away……don’t get me wrong. Prayer is great! Needed! But when it is just a way for you to not feel uncomfortable with someone’s pain, then I encourage you to get your squirm under the authority of the Spirit and struggle with staying present.  We could learn a lot from our Jewish brothers and sisters when it comes to pain and grief.  They sit Shiva for 7 days after a loss. Traditionally, no greetings are exchanged and visitors wait for the mourners to initiate conversation, or remain silent if the mourners do not do so, out of respect for their bereavement. They even sit on the floor near those mourning.  There’s something powerful about being WITH. A few months ago I shared my testimony in a setting with people that I did not know well.  Afterwards, someone came and knelt down in front of me and proceeded to ask me questions no one had ever asked.  I was pretty undone internally and was not quite willing to answer. This person’s care and interest was like nothing I had experienced regarding interest in one particular part of my story. I wish I could go back to that moment. What he offered me was powerful. I'd respond differently. I want to be the type of friend who will kneel down and ask the question. 

When someone share’s their story do you give them eye contact?  Do you look around as they are talking? Do you ask questions because you are genuinely curious about that image bearer?  If you are uncomfortable “going there” then that’s okay.  We all start somewhere.  So here’s to you starting today or tomorrow.  Practice giving of your presence. 100%.  Your relationships will change and YOU will change.  Jesus is about relationship.  Praise God he doesn’t have an iPhone or TV because that would get on my nerves.  On this journey of WITHness alongside you.