Emmanuel

Merry Christmas, my friends.  Come sit with me by the manger for a few moments.  Emmanuel - God WITH us. WITH you.  WITH me.  Lord, you have come to dwell with us.  Why on earth (pardon the double entendre’) would you choose to be WITH and to dwell WITH?  This is where my good friend would tell me that I will never have answers to some questions.  It’s part of the mystery of God. I know this is true, but it doesn’t stop the asking.  You can ask God questions one of two ways: 1. Accusatory and hurt with a demand for an answer to somehow make sense of the pain you feel, or 2. You can lean in with your question, yet not demand, but accept mystery. 

I’ve seen Emmanuel in a zillion ways this year.

God WITH my friend Jane in her cancer battle.

God WITH my sister Abby through heart-wrenching loss of her earthly dad.

God WITH my friends in ministry going through financial hardship.

God WITH my friends as they fight for their marriage.

God WITH my friend Megan as she had her first baby after a heartbreaking miscarriage.

God WITH my friend Jenny who had a baby after three late-term miscarriages.

God WITH my friend Chris who is courageously leaving a home and friends and family he loves.

God WITH my friend Darren as he dreamed of a daughter and saw sweet Addie born - what a great dad.

God WITH my friend Jen as she’s walked through loss after loss and still has a soft heart.

God WITH my Dad as he faced some health challenges.

God WITH my dear friend who was suicidal and now lifts her hands in praise for life.

God WITH me as I did one thing after the other this year that scared me.

God WITH me as I sat through about 36 baby and wedding showers.

God WITH me as I closed on a house I didn’t dream possible.

God WITH me in the mystery.

We mean EVERYTHING to Him. 

Lately I’ve been sitting in the chair you see pictured above and the footboard of my bed is right in front of that chair.  I imagine Jesus sitting on that footboard talking with me, listening, caring. Never once have I imagined him as a baby, but the past few days I’ve been captivated with the thought that He came as a baby. Emmanuel.  

Ann Voskamp writes,

Love had to come back for you.  Love had to get to you.  This night, you on

this visited planet, your rescue is here.  You can breathe.  Your God extends

now on straw.  Rejected at the inn, holy God comes in small to where you 

feel rejected and small.  God is with you now.  Come kneel close.  God waits 

for you to draw close.  God waits to be held.  Tonight, at the foot of the cradle

of Christ, like at the foot of the Cross of Christ, there are no big people - no

powerful or proud.  Tonight there are only those who tramp to the manger with 

nothing.  What can all manger tramps do but wrap the vulnerable God in strips of

bare, broken hearts so He can lodge in the intimacy of us?  The greatest Gift laid

into our empty hands……

We come to the manger with questions and leave transformed. Ironically, we probably still don’t have answers, but somehow that’s not as important anymore.  We can’t help but be changed in the presence of a baby.  Just ask any parent about the birth of their child and they will agree.  

Often you will hear me say, “I’m a mess.”  This statement bothers some people.  It scares them. Somehow they think it is self-deprecating and not walking in all that we are.  But I have news for you….we are all a mess.  A glorious mess.  We are so loved. We are so broken. We are so wanted.  So tonight, for just a little while longer, I will in all my glorious mess, sit and talk with this baby - Emmanuel.  God WITH us.

Advent

It's the night before Advent begins.  Growing up as a Southern Baptist, I was unfamiliar with the celebration preceding Christmas.  The richness of Advent is hard to describe - you have to experience it.  What is Advent? It means, "coming or arrival, especially of something or someone extremely important."  I wrote this devotional for my grad school 2 years ago to date and thought I would re-post it since it sums up Advent for me.  I hope you will join me over the next 25 days as we eagerly wait......

Over 400 years had passed since the last words of the prophets had been spoken. No new revelation had been given. Waiting. Watching. Hoping.  When would Messiah come?  Do you think their hope began to wane?  Do you think they questioned whether He would ever come?  Do you think their longing turned to hopelessness or a bitter, questioning heart?  When hope seems elusive, our hearts can despair.  However, imagine a stable, a manger, a baby, our Savior.  I wonder if on the night Messiah was born, the world felt something shift.  The One who would arrive would bring Hope, because Hope is not in things, dreams, wants, and others, HOPE is a Person, the person of Jesus. I encourage you to take a minute and reflect and listen to my favorite Christmas song, O Holy Night and think about the significance of that quiet night in Bethlehem when Hope came in the form of a baby.  And tonight, whatever it is you are still waiting for...take courage and look for beauty rising from the ashes.

O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining, 
It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth. 
Long lay the world in sin and error pining. 
Till He appeared and the Soul felt its worth. 
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices, 
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn. 
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices! 
O night divine, the night when Christ was born; ! 

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming, 
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand. 
O'er the world a star is sweetly gleaming, 
Now come the wisemen from out of the Orient land. 
The King of kings lay thus lowly manger; 
In all our trials born to be our friends. 
He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger, 

Truly He taught us to love one another, 
His law is love and His gospel is peace. 
Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother. 
And in his name all oppression shall cease. 
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we, 
With all our hearts we praise His holy name. 
Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we, 
His power and glory ever more proclaim! 
His power and glory ever more proclaim!

Untitled - because I don't have a clue how to title what I've written. My guts.

We are on a break. I hope it’s permanent, but I know the heart a little too well. You’d think breaking up with insecurity would be an easy thing. I mean, who WANTS insecurity as a constant companion? However, before I sell myself totally short, I also know that I have been in a warrior mode this past year. So much so that I bought 150 arrows to give away and give away I did. Now I just need a bow, and I ain't talking about the girlie put in your hair bow that seems to be making a comeback among college women. That’s another blog entirely along with the resurgence of denim shorts and neon.

I had my pictures made this week.  When people ask me why, I tell them it’s for a magnet to send out @ Christmas to my financial supporters as a reminder to pray for me.  And while that is a small part of the reason, it was actually for a much bigger reason, a reason more significant.    

So I went to Aveda (Jen Carey, you were booked! I promise I did not cheat on you) and the lady curling my hair asked,

“So, are you having family pictures made?” 

“Yes.” 

She kept curling. I kept praying she wouldn't ask more questions.

“How many kids do you have?”

Breathe. 

“No kids.” 

“Do you and your husband want kids?” 

Breathe deeper.

“It’s just me.”

Crickets.

“You’re having pictures made by yourself?”

I nod.

“Well, that’s cool.  Go have a drink first.”

Laugh.

Insecurity – “Self-doubt, inhibition, nervousness, lack of confidence.” 

Confession.  I just wanted to edit the definition of “insecurity” to make myself look better. I’m insecure.

Or maybe it’s that sometimes it is hard to tell ourselves the truth?

A year ago I felt God impress 3 words on my heart: Covenant, joy, and beauty.  I wrote those words on a strip of fabric and kept it tied around my wrist for two months.

 ⁶ And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. ⁷ You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.⁸ You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. ⁹ You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. Deuteronomy 6

Covenant.

I desperately needed something to shift inside of my heart and mind.  I wanted to understand God’s covenant relationship with me on a deeper level and not just dismiss it as something for every Believer (which it is). It was one of those things that I wanted to know in every fiber of my being that God is WITH.

The LORD, our covenant God. Lasting and permanent.  Is this not what most of us are looking for? Something lasting and permanent because we are afraid and so very aware of our aloneness? I’m not talking about being lonely, I am referring to being an individual who is completely separate from any other person on the planet. The human experience, per se. 

What happens to you when you hear the first line of “How He Loves?” “He is jealous for me….”  Does it stir something in you that can’t be described? Our Creator is jealous for you? Me? Why?  What kind of love embodies the Father that He would want me so much that He sees it as a good thing for me to have a few more years to deeply become anchored in “covenant” – more years than I would have ever chosen, yet would never trade for another story.

Honesty about the things in our heart draw us near to the Heart of God.

 I can’t imagine being in a relationship where the Father had no emotion towards his children, and I, as a Daughter, am in need of my Father’s heart.

Joy.

We are still working on this one, but in the wrestle and disappointments, there’s an anchoring that continues to occur when life happens.  This will have to be for another blog.

Beauty.

Who knew that this would be the hardest one for me?!? Beauty. How do you even define this word? Perfect symmetry? A size 2? Someone who is 23 and has the metabolism of a 23 year old?

More often than not, when I think about beauty, I sometimes feel small.  Internally small.  The kind of soul shrinking small that steals life, causes paralysis and feeds a fear that has kept me awake at 3AM for the past six months.  

When I decided to stare this beast in the eye, I knew it would be a battle, but I didn't know how intense it would feel or how deep it would run.  When you begin to wake up to patterns in your life that you always considered “normal” and see now how much they steal from you, you will either:

1. Cower in fear and avoid what’s been revealed

2. Acknowledge it, but use the excuse, “This is just the way I am.”

                     OR

3. Courageously ask for a new way. 

We need a lot more people who will cry out from their hearts, “I want a new way!”  Hungry and desperate children cry out.  Now here’s the catch.  The gospel catch. 

Is the main reason we cry out in order to just feel better? 

Do we cry out so God might hear us and give us what we want?

Do we cry out “I want a new way” in order to not feel so exposed in our struggle?

Do we cry out because if we “fix” this area in our life then maybe God will give us our hearts desire?

With what motive do we cry out?

I want to cry out for a new way to reveal more of who God is.  To experience Him in deep and soul-changing ways.  To love people freely without it always being what’s in it for me. To relate to others as The Father, Son, and Spirit relate to one another.  To love Him first and foremost.

To be beautiful and unaware because it has nothing to do with what I look like, but everything to do with being fully alive to the One who looks at my heart.

So, I put my best dress on and I went to the woods and I smiled.

Lessons from Luke Bryan

Strange day.  I have had Luke Bryan on repeat all day long.  Not Bethel.  Not Christy Nockels, but Luke Bryan.  Crash My Party to be specific. It makes me happy.  It says “hell” and “baby” a lot, which normally isn’t my style, but it’s a “hell” and “baby” kind of day.   Yes, I’m a missionary.  Please still support me.

Anyway, there’s a line in the song that says, "Go ahead and call me, call me, call me. You don't have to worry 'bout it baby. You can wake me up in the dead of the night; wreck my plans baby that's alright.."  Oh the depths of Luke Bryan's soul. (I think the “baby” count is up to 7. You’re welcome.)

Pretty sure he was singing this for his preggers wife. Lucky woman. I hope she has a brain and depth.

Anyway, it’s been one of those days where life feels like a country song when you recount it, “Yeah, my dog is gonna die, baby, but then she revives, boom boom. Yeah, my heart‘s been run over by a tractor, baby. Oh look, here comes a shirtless man in jorts, ‘Where’s your husband, Red? Wanna go out, baby? Call me, call me, call me’, oh and don’t forget to read your exes book that just got published.  OH, oh, oh….and you lost some support. Jesus take the wheel.”   

Is this what Jesus was talking about when he said, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” John 10:10 

Abundant life. 

Abundant – “existing or available in large quantities; plentiful”

Life -  “ the ability to grow, change, etc., that separates plants and animals from things like water or rocks

: the period of time when a person is alive

: the experience of being alive

How do you walk in abundance when you feel lacking? 

You live honestly.  You walk in honesty before Jesus and others.  You lay it all before Him.  You receive.  You give yourself grace.  You cling to truth.  You put on your armor.  You walk by faith.  You embrace seasons as something to journey through and not just try and get around.  You give thanks.  You lean towards the Father with your questions rather than away. 

A friend of mine walked me through Psalm 84 last week.  He shared with me about how we fall in love with God and then we leave home and journey to be with God.  The Psalmist refers to journeying through the Valley of Baca which means, “suffering,” but the Valley leads to the throne room.  The throne room…being with God who when we are lacking says, “no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless” and that is good news.  That is abundant life.  Embrace the journey.  Embrace this season for all that He has in it for you.  Wave to me from your valley and the throne room. 

WITHness

 There’s a funny sign I saw recently that said something to the effect of, “I can’t wait for you to come over so we can sit in silence and play on our phones.”   And while at times I am just as guilty, I can’t help but wonder why we feel increasingly lonely and isolated, even in a room of friends. 

One of my greatest passions is to grow and see others grow in the area of being WITH someone as they share a piece of their story, their SELF.  For many it is a risk to talk about the deep things of the heart.  What I’m realizing is that every person has a different definition on what “deep things of the heart” actually are.  For one friend it is telling about a struggle at work and another it is about a struggle in marriage.  Truly is there anything like presence? For a few moments that person knows that they matter, they are important, heard, valued and hopefully leads to an ease in the ache of loneliness.  What a gift to be seen and to SEE.  The power of WITHness leads to life change. 

Think of the people in your life that just the mere sitting down across from them can trigger tears….tears because you feel safe and vulnerable and there is no pretense.  You need to hang on to this friend, because what they carry is sacred.  What they offer to you is their very self.  Jesus fully alive in his sons and daughters, loving with no thought of cost or what’s in it for them.  We need more sons and daughters like this. 

I want to call out sons and daughters who are okay with silence in a group.  Sons and daughters who don’t short circuit a person’s sharing and pain by offering to pray right away……don’t get me wrong. Prayer is great! Needed! But when it is just a way for you to not feel uncomfortable with someone’s pain, then I encourage you to get your squirm under the authority of the Spirit and struggle with staying present.  We could learn a lot from our Jewish brothers and sisters when it comes to pain and grief.  They sit Shiva for 7 days after a loss. Traditionally, no greetings are exchanged and visitors wait for the mourners to initiate conversation, or remain silent if the mourners do not do so, out of respect for their bereavement. They even sit on the floor near those mourning.  There’s something powerful about being WITH. A few months ago I shared my testimony in a setting with people that I did not know well.  Afterwards, someone came and knelt down in front of me and proceeded to ask me questions no one had ever asked.  I was pretty undone internally and was not quite willing to answer. This person’s care and interest was like nothing I had experienced regarding interest in one particular part of my story. I wish I could go back to that moment. What he offered me was powerful. I'd respond differently. I want to be the type of friend who will kneel down and ask the question. 

When someone share’s their story do you give them eye contact?  Do you look around as they are talking? Do you ask questions because you are genuinely curious about that image bearer?  If you are uncomfortable “going there” then that’s okay.  We all start somewhere.  So here’s to you starting today or tomorrow.  Practice giving of your presence. 100%.  Your relationships will change and YOU will change.  Jesus is about relationship.  Praise God he doesn’t have an iPhone or TV because that would get on my nerves.  On this journey of WITHness alongside you.  

Songs of 2013 (so far)

I sat down to write a post about what it means to drink from The Cup that Jesus extends, but I just can't go there tonight, thus you get a shallow post (wahoo for shallow and breezy!) with a list of songs I've been playing over and over in 2013....a songbook of my year. So if you are in need of some different music and haven't heard these, check them out.

Get your worship on playlist:
1.  I See Heaven - Bryan and Katie Torwalt
2. Ellie Holcomb's entire album
3. Dance With Me - Eddie James
4. Running - Christ for the Nations Music
5. The More I Seek You - Kari Jobe
6. Great Are You Lord - All Sons and Daughters
7. Glorious Ruins - Hillsong
8. Spirit Break Out - Kim Walker Smith
9. One Thirst - Bethel
10. Come to Me - Jenn Johnson
11. Lord Come - Will Reagan & United Pursuit
12. Take a Moment - Will Reagan & United Pursuit
13. Faith to Believe - Shane and Shane
14. Though You Slay Me - Shane and Shane
15. Commission - Will Reagan & United Pursuit
16. Rend Collective Experiment
17. Every Season (an oldie) - Nichole Nordeman
18. Everything to You - Bethel
19. Your Love is Moving - Christy Nockels
20. Give Me Honesty - Jonathan Etienne
21. God I Look to You - Antioch Community Church
22. God of the Redeemed - Bethel
23. He is Faithful - Bryan and Katie Torwalt
24. I Shall Not Want - Audrey Assad
25. A Million Suns - Hillsong United
26. My Portion Is You - Antioch Community Church
27. Nothing Is Wasted - Elevation Church
28. Blessed Assurance - Steven Curtis Chapman
29. You Revive Me - Christy Nockels
30. Who Can Compare - Mary Kat

And some not so praise tunes:
1. Golden - Lady Antebellum
2. Can't Stand the Rain - Lady Antebellum
3. A Thing for You - Easton Corbin
4. Every Teardrop is a Waterfall - Coldplay
5. When It Don't Come Easy - Patty Griffin
6. What Would I Do Without You - Drew Holcomb
7. The Wine We Drink - Drew Holcomb (don't worry if you are Baptist you can pretend it is grape juice)
8. Tennessee - Drew Holcomb
9. Love Is Waiting -Brook Fraser
10. Born to Love You - Nathan Angelo
11. Love Is Everything -George Strait

And you can't go wrong with:
1. Don't Stop Til Ya Get Enough
2. Faithfully
3. You're the Inspiration
4. Don't Stop Believing
I mean, I'm so cool.

I fell in love with Jesus my sophomore year in college.  I thought I loved him before that, and maybe in some ways I did, but something happened in me when I was 20 that changed me to the core.  Perhaps it was my RA, Monica, who led me in a bible study and was so raw and authentic with her own struggles that mine didn't seem so scary to talk about.  For whatever reason, God became so real to me and I haven’t been the same since.  I also haven’t been able to walk away from college ministry after 15 years.  I've tried.  Believe me, I've tried.  Raising support isn't high on my list of, “Yes, please let me do this forever!” However, God has always provided.  This week as I begin another year serving the staff and the 1 million college students of the Mid-south region, I am praying and thinking about all of you who serve tirelessly and HARD! So let me give a shout out to my brothers and sisters on campuses all over the USA. 

Here’s to the endless string of staff meetings to decide whether or not to do survey tables or freshmen move-in!  To the staff (Brent Jordan) who faithfully buys ice cream scoops every year for the freshmen ice cream social! Here’s to the long quiet times everyone on the team will have to have because they are frustrated that for the 6^th year in a row no one knows where the ice cream scoops are.  They are probably with the extra socks that come out of the dryer. 

Cheers to the staff that stay up until 1AM cleaning up from the dance party where your students mingled with newbie’s and shared the love of Jesus with someone for the first time. To the staff who try and find a room for any event on campus, SHALOM to you, my friend.  Blessings to the minister who is known by first and last name, date of birth, blood type and Myers-Brigg by every Kinko’s worker in a 50 mile radius.  When the employees have a cart ready and waiting for you at Sam’s and Costco, you have truly arrived.

For every staff member who has hauled around boxes of bananas in your car for Fall Retreat, grace to you (and to your car).  It won’t take you long to realize that is a job you pass off to new staff EVERY YEAR. It’s an unspoken.  Another unspoken? How much you SWEAT the first six weeks of school. It’s no joke, people. 

Abundant grace over the phone calls you make to try and set up appointments with students.  “Hi, this is Beth  with Cru and I’d love a chance to get together and tell you little bit about what we’re about.  Do you have time to get together this week?” (Pause.)  “No? How about next week?” (Pause) “No? How about after Labor Day?” (Pause.) “No? How about April 23^rd at 2PM?”  It’s not me, it’s you.

For all the times you get the shaft when you are passing out Red Bull’s and Bible’s….you’re still cool.  Or not.  Stop wearing your shirts tucked in and see how that works for you.  

As you meet with that freshmen who stares at his shoes or texts the whole time you are with them, remember that they could come on staff one day and be a world changer.  For example, my girl Jill. I met her as her parents drove up in a van and we unloaded her stuff into her dorm, along with the brooding boyfriend.  Jill and I met and I was telling her about Cru and talking about Jesus and she was eating ice cream and said, “Well, I’m Lutheran and I’m gonna stay that way.”  Well, good for you, Jill.  Jill is in fact on staff, has a kid, pours out her life and I’m not sure if she’s Lutheran or not, but she sure does love Jesus. 

Then there are moments like this:

These freshmen, four years later just might link arms and go after it for Jesus with all their hearts.  God will use YOU to teach them to be honest, to ask the hard questions, to love them in their mess, challenge them to think of others, teach them to share their faith, watch them begin to invest in others, see them give their future to a life of ministry no matter what the vocation, stand with them in their weddings, will hold their babies, and watch them continue to run.  To think that it all started with buying ice cream scoops for a social.  RUN HARD MY FRIENDS!! Running with you……….