Realizations of a "Fiat" God.

It has been the most boringly, interesting week.  It's one of those weeks that seemed somewhat "normal" and yet here it is Friday at 4PM and I realize that all the "normal" has led me to a huge revelation and grateful heart.

I've been really sick all week. Grouchy.  Irritable. Not able to engage well with people due to low energy. One of those weeks where you want to throw your shoe at the heads of those who take for granted their significant other when you have to go to the store in your pj's for kleenex and the latest People magazine. Oh it's a cruel, cruel world. :)  Anyway, I was feeling sorry for myself when I started thinking back over my week, which led me to one year ago. The day I learned about "FIAT" God. And no, I'm not talking about the cheap little European car.  I'm talking about being in a place where hope deferred makes the heart sick and you don't see how things could change.  Awake my soul. 

 It was February 1st, 2010 when I sat down with my dear friend and mentor Carol Jordan and she said, "Beth, have you heard about God being a 'Fiat" God?"  I was tempted to nod in arrogance, but I had not a clue what was coming out of her mouth.  Awake my soul. Pause.  Let me back up here.  In 2007 and 2008 there was a mass Exodus in Knoxville of my core group of friends.  MASS EXODUS.  A life I had loved was no longer.  It was me and Jesus and the Marshmans and a really hard two years with Campus Crusade at UT for me personally.  Even writing about the Marshmans makes me cry.  Hank and Chrisy and their two sons Brett and Blake are my second family.  They have been constant.  Awake my soul.  I was physically sick in many ways that I've shared about in the past and it had taken it's toll emotionally as well. God has created us for relationship....being in relationship with others who walk with Him brings healing....it is also painful as we speak truth in love and exhort.  However, it is a gift and when that community was stripped away, I floundered.  Back to Carol and February 1st, 2010.  "Fiat" - means Creator. God creates out of NOTHING.    Carol said, "Let's pray and ask God to bring community out of nothing!" This sounds pitiful.  Oh well, nothing like showing your guts on the worldwide web. Awake my soul.

So my first gift came in the form of one of my best friends from Cumberland College days.  J Lo (Jennifer Loveday) moved in to the other side of my house.  I can't even tell you how big of a blessing that has been. Is that my soul stirring?

Another way it has come is in the form of the Ancelets.  Tracie and I have had tons of mutual friends and have shared a love of  well.....EVERYTHING.  A friend who knows both of us have coined us, "Peanut butter and jelly."  Tracie and I have also both been to Larry Crabb's school of spiritual direction, so we speak the same language. Soul is stirring even more.  I love the Ancelet's.  They also have a three year old named Abel who they adopted from Ethiopia which has been a dream of mine.  Tracie - FIAT my friend.  What a gift you are. 

 Today I got some more great news.  My roommate my first three years on staff, Kim, is moving close to Knoxville.  I literally cannot believe this.  Kim "Keebie Jeanie" and I laugh so hard when we are together and also share on a deep level things that God is doing in our lives.  I am doing toe touches over the fact that I will get the opportunity to be an "auntie" to her kiddos and to do life a little more with her.  Soul is awake!

 When I started school at Richmont, I never thought that it would open up a whole new world of friendships, but it has gone way above and beyond what I ever thought possible. I meet women like Jane Neall, who is fighting Pancreatic cancer with bravery and doesn't want to be known for that.  She loves Jesus and it exudes from every fiber of her being.  You meet people like Rae, a single mom of three who fights for justice and gives those a voice who don't have one.  You meet Phillip who costs you a lot of money due to his book recommendations.  I've also loved that these friends aren't phased at all when you feel like a train wreck.  There's also no room for small talk or superficiality because we are in school for counseling.  It's pretty hilarious. 

Thanks for letting me ramble about people you do not even know.  I do this for myself, because like the Israelites, I constantly need to REMEMBER   God's faithfulness and celebrate it.  Sometimes I have the book so close to my face that I can't see the story.  Thank you, God for creating something out of nothing.  I didn't have to do a thing.  I couldn't have even if I had wanted to, I was too broken and ill.  Awake my soul and sing. I have no idea where you are if you are reading this, but I do know that He is a FIAT God for you as well.  He longs for our lives to fully AWAKENED to Him.  Only then can we dream dreams He has for us and be open and alive to the adventure and invitation He extends to us on a daily basis......here we go.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ljr6lqu2-ec

ME, Me, me, you, You, YOU.

There's a name I am extremely familiar with.  So familiar in fact that I'm kind of over it.  The name is "Me".  A few years ago my staff team had a joke regarding a band we had heard rehearsing.  We kept hearing the lead singer say, "Can I get a little more me in the mic?"  "Can I get a little more me in the monitor?"  "A little more me, please?"  Over the past little while I have been listening to the Lord say to me, "This life is not all about you."  Don't get me wrong, I know He adores me.  I know He cares and pursues.  But I've seen too much of ME over the years.  Recently I went on a cruise.  The cruise was a gift and one night while watching the sunset I was thinking about Jesus and wondering what if He had come to Earth with a "ME" mentality.  How different life would be.  I think about Philippians 2 and how He made himself nothing and humbled himself to death and not just any death, but death on a cross.  And the Father gave him the name that is above every other name.  A name greater than "Me".  A name greater than Obama or George.  A name greater than Osama or Haggard.  A name greater than Billy Graham or Mother Theresa.  Greater than Tim Keller or Larry Crabb. A name of the one that one day I will have the joy of seeing face to face.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kma2VTeTuoE

I've realized more lately that my longing for Home has increased.  For years I have wrestled with this strange sense of sadness and restlessness that usually comes everyday around the hours of 5PM-8PM.  I've often attributed it to winter, a draining time in ministry, singleness, whatever is about ME.  My sweet sister even made me a hilarious CD several years ago called, "5 to 8" with lines from Christmas Vacation, dance music, and a variety of entertaining musings.  Well people, I've had an epiphany (which most of you would say "duh" to).  I think no matter what happens in my life, dreams fulfilled, a life lived to the fullest, community, etc. that I will always have that slight sadness or restlessness.  Why? Because it is a very real reminder that I am not Home yet.  It reminds me that there is a greater invitation Jesus offers to us than just having a "good life".  I think I would be bored.  So this invitation continues..............

As I think back over 2010, I could not be more grateful for the journey and the process.  The first half was brutal and the second half involved a skip in my step and a song in my heart.  Crawford Lorritts says, "Sometimes your hope has to be threatened in order for it to be strengthened."  True dat, Crawford.  I wonder what invitation Christ will extend to me in 2011?  Will I lean into it?  What reminds you that you are not Home yet?  Above I copied a youtube video of a song I literally have been hopping around to all day.  Pretty funny sight when one is wearing an ugly black boot for leg issues, but nevertheless it is a powerful song.  I can't wait to worship face to face with Him and with YOU beside me. 

The Dance of the Heart

I hated middle school dances. I remember that Campbell's soup commercial of the gawky redhead coming in from a dance and crying because she didn't get asked to dance and her mom fed her soup.  Do you think that's maybe when her food issues began?  I could totally relate to that commercial.  

High school came along and the braces and glasses came off.  I went to a dance with great fear and trepidation due to the middle school trauma.  Babyface came on and life got better when my 3rd grade crush asked me to dance.  No Campbell's soup for me that night.  Just a heart to heart with Be Frie Anne.  

 

Ironically my most memorable class in college was Dr. Key's ballroom dance shindig.  Adam White was my partner and we Fox trotted, Cha Cha Cha'd, Waltzed, and Boot Scooted with the best of 'em.  Dr. Key also taught my tennis class which would be anothe blog entirely.  Anyway, one struggle I had was to let go and trust Adam to lead.  Sometimes, especially in the beginning, I would be mannequin-like and hold back because I didn't want to mess up.  Not surprisingly this is when I would "mess up". 

I write all of this because once again I find myself in a dance of my own.  It's a dance I hear over and over as I hand my sister, friends and my sweet college girls kleenex after kleenex.  As an aside, Kleenex needs to pay my salary for the next year.  The tears I hear are about longing and being ashamed that they have longing for relationship. Longing they try to keep hidden because of every single book or tv show we read about playing hard to get or fear of looking like Josie Grossie in the movie, "Never Been Kissed".   I'm on a rampage to end the statement, "I just need to learn to be content."  Hear me out here  I'm not saying to not be content, but what I am saying is, "DO NOT KILL DESIRE!!  You are not a Buddhist."  Being content is different than killing desire.  We don't know how to live with longing, therefore any hint of unmet longing we think is bad when in all actuality it is an invitation to lean into the Father.  Take John 11 for example.  (Thank you, Phillip!!)  It's a familiar story about Mary and Martha and the death of their brother Lazarus.  They called for Jesus to come and heal Lazarus, but Jesus waited and Lazarus died.  When Jesus finally came to them Martha greeted him in Martha-like fashion and said, "If you had been here our brother would not have died."  Right before that the text says that Jesus loved Martha....She was honest and He responded to her.  What I had never realized before is that Mary said the EXACT same phrase as Martha, but her heart was broken and she wept at Jesus' feet.  Jesus was moved by Mary.  I know I'm taking some liberty here, but what I see is one who kept her heart a little more at bay, and one who said the exact same words, but her heart was dancing toward Jesus even in her pain.  And He was moved. 

I'm wondering also what "the dance" is like for men.  My friend Eric when talking with me about women alwasy refers to us as "your people".  I wonder what "your people" dance to.  Do you make a silent vow to play it safe or be passive?  Is it more similar to the dance that women dance than "my people" would think???  Throw me a bone here.  I really want to understand.

I've been in a process of wanting to dance freely.  I'm not very coordinated and sometimes I am like Martha or those early middle school days, but I'm seeing more and more of a desire to live (in the words of Misty Edwards) "arms wide open, a heart exposed" because that feels like faith to me....an invitation.  I hope you will be persuaded to join me in the dance..........

"I'm restless 'til I rest in You."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0B2ybZpDeM

IS JESUS THE PRIZE?

Do I really believe it?  Is Jesus truly the prize? Or do I see him as a means to an end?  What kind of "end" am I running after?  Remember that old quote that said something to the effect of, "He who dies with the most toys wins"?  I can look at ways I've missed the mark, but let's be honest - most of us fall on one side or the other - either we focus so much on our failure, or we don't look at ourselves at all.  I'm learning to look to the Cross and there I find perspective and gratitude.  It is at the foot of the Cross where I lose my life only to find it becoming a little bit more hidden in my Father.  Such a journey.....but the journey is my own. It's me and Jesus.  No one else will ever walk the same road and no one will have the same conversations that you and I have on an individual basis with Christ.  Isn't that amazing?

I just got home from a wedding of a dear friend.  Another Beth.  Jesus truly is my friends prize which is why it was so fun to watch her marry Marten.  Marten wasn't the prize, even though he is great.  My friend let's others off the hook, so to speak, because she doesn't demand from others or from Marten what he cannot and should not give.  Her prize is Christ.

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus

Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos and confusion
I know you're sovereign still

In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do your will

When you call I won't delay
This my song through all my days

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus

All my delight is in you Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
All my delight is in you Lord
Forevermore
There is no one else for me
None but Jesus

My hero, Larry Crabb, wrote, "I'm troubled by how unquestioningly we live out our determination to make this life work.  All our hopes for happiness are bound up in it.  It's as if we believe this is the only world we ever plan to inhabit."   I struggle with this greatly.  I look all around me at brokenness and heartbreak - friends marriages falling apart, family members heartbreaks, the battle for life of a new friend, loss of support for many fellow CCC staff friends, single moms and dads working hard, others praying through adopting special needs children, and the list goes on, but Jesus calls us to the foot of the Cross where grace meets our pain and suffering and where we see just how much that he not only understands, but where he experienced all of it at one time.  He is not a God who is far off, but who is very near. 

Oh friends, He is our prize.

80's Hair Band Kinda Day

I only wish my hair had looked this good when I woke up this morning.  Do you ever get to the end of the day and think, "Is this my life for real?"  Today was one of those days. Well, it started out with me resembling the band Def Leppard. I actually have curly hair and decided to wash it before I went to bed.  See picture below and take a vote on which band member you think I most resembled at 6:43AM this morning.  Fabulous prizes will be awarded to the winner.  I think I have a Justin Bieber poster in my closet and a life sized cardboard cutout of Jesus. Your pick. 

 So here I am decompressing from a day of school and decided to look through my old cd's and low and behold here is a classic from high school days.  Doug Stone.  Pause for dramatic effect.  Anyway, I just popped in old Dougie and started playing track #3 called, "In A Different Light".  Long story short, he is basically saying he is in love with this girl who works in his office, but she is homely and other dude's don't notice her 'cause she wears a bun and glasses. Well, every female cast member on Little House on the Prairie is basically doomed unless Doug Stone comes along and saves the day.

If you picked the two on the right then you win. Ironically if you pull out my high school yearbook this is what the majority of us looked like. Who set this trend? It was a BAD one. Debbie Gibson and Tiffany rocked it with the addition of the black hat. My friend Christie and I bought the black hat and shared it.  We took turns wearing it on pep rally days.  We were that cool.

I guess I have been a bit nostalgic today.  I think it is good to remember.  Two years ago I studied the book of Joshua with my senior girls.  We talked a lot about stones of remembrance that the Israelites took from the Jordan river as they crossed into the Promised Land.  God knows how easily we forget His faithfulness to us, so he challenged the Israelites to build a place of remembrance so they could bring their children and their children's children back and retell the story of what God had done.  So I started this tradition of gathering stones and rocks and putting them in a vase periodically to give praise for God's faithfulness in my life and in the lives of those that I love.  I shared with my cousin Ami the other day that gratitude and perspective are powerful.  Reflecting on God's faithfulness is powerful because it makes me grateful and puts life in perspective.  What are your stones of remembrance? 

So glad to journey with you.

Beth



Healing Is In Your Hands

I've been talking to God a lot about healing.  After twelve years of sitting across from college women who have wounds that run deep I began to wrestle with what healing looked like. Being in school for counseling and having studied so many disorders and dysfunctions that appear hopeless has challenged me.  I guess it boils down to this.....if I do not believe that God can heal us no matter the affliction, addiction, loss, or the affect of someone else's decisions on our life then I think I would just go crawl in a hole somewhere and pray for Jesus to come back now.  However I believe He wants his kingdom to break forth here on earth through you and me.  I never really understood what "His Kingdom come" meant and was too embarrassed to ask until I heard a message on it a couple of years ago. God desires to make things right is a way to simply state it.  So many things are upside-down and I long to have him come set things in place and to allow his kingdom to break through in my own life.

I see Him doing this more and more. God allowed me the privilege of seeing a process of healing this summer when my cousin prayed over someone who had back problems.  I saw with my own eyes this friend's leg grow.  I do not think I will forget this for as long as I am alive.  Jesus used this to awaken something in me that had been dormant.  He has offered me an invitation to live with my heart fully alive to him and to continue to allow him to write a better story than I would ever write for myself.  Because God has wired me with curiosity and a voracious love for asking questions, I'd love to ask you two.....1.  What makes your heart come alive?  Be specific.  2.  What area of your life do you desire healing in?  Do we not pray for healing because we do not want to be disappointed?  Feel free to email me as some of your responses might be private.  Beth.Wayland@uscm.org  Thanks for being on the journey with me.

Beth

P.S.  I realize I did not talk about what happens when we feel that God did not heal in the way we had hoped.....I feel another blog coming on about that one.....

A Little Encouragement and Coaching....

I love the body of Christ. There’s nothing more beautiful and yet painful than living in community. Just ask my past roommates. I made a statement to a friend this past summer as I was living in a 1 bedroom apartment with three other people, “Everything in the world is coming out of me.” Call it sin or maybe it was the fact that we are in our 30’s sleeping in bunk beds, I don’t know. So I have been feeling this post coming on for a couple of years now and was inspired to go ahead and write it, even at the expense of being misunderstood. How should the Church interact with those of us who are unattached (aka: SINGLE)? I realize we could all post something on here about how we could respond to mom’s, married without kid’s, the elderly, divorcee’s, widows, but because I am unattached, I feel a little more qualified to share my angle with the hope that it will be an encouragement.

While I am unattached at the moment (okay, so I looked up “single” in the thesaurus and it is way depressing – words like “solitary, on its own, lone, solo, only” came up), I wanted to document a few common ways of relating that we unattached people have to deal with weekly.

1. When making announcements at church for the big picnic, instead of saying, “Every family bring a dish”, you could rephrase it to, “Everyone come to the picnic and bring your favorite dish.” It really is the small things that we appreciate.

2. There are two churches that I loved, but I did not go back because you are invited to come to the front “as a family” and take communion. Well, let’s be honest, when visiting a church for the first time I felt….let’s see, how do I say this? NAKED. Please don’t get me wrong, this was/is a beautiful thing, just makes it really difficult to know what to do in that moment.

3. If you are curious about someone’s single status just ask them, “Do you want to be married or do you like the single life?” or my personal favorite, “Is it hard to meet men who aren’t socially awkward and don’t wear white socks with black shoes?”

4. Whatever you do, please do not say, “When you stop looking for him, that’s when you will find him.” That doesn’t even make sense. Am I supposed to go blind? Walk around with my head down? Also avoid, “When I finally became content (at the age of 21) that’s when God brought McDreamy into my life.” I love that I just did spell-check on “McDreamy” and the option was “Creamy”.

5. Thank you for praying for us, cheering us on, and empathizing with us that dating is exhausting. Thank you for listening to our same prayer requests for years on end. On a side note, I’d love to write a blog on “unspoken prayer requests”.

6. If you want to set up your single friend, would you please think through their personalities, calling, and interests? Setting us up because I am the one single girl you know and he is the one single guy you know does not a match make. We love that you are even thinking of us, but I have a nightmare story on this one. It involves my mother, large gold chain, Beavis and Butthead, an election year, and an ex-body builder. ‘Nuf said.

7. Thank you for being honest about the struggles in your own life and saying, “Sometimes it would be nice to be single.” It helps all of us with our perspective. The grass is not always greener.

8. When inviting us to your wedding, it is so kind to allow us the courtesy of bringing a date. Not that I would, but just the option shows such empathy and that you value our friendship over your budget. Heck, I’ll give you $27.50 in order to bring someone, or tell him not to eat.

9. After you are married, would you remember what it was like being single and not talk to us as if we are still sitting at the kids table at Thanksgiving?

10. Thank you so much for the times you include us in your family activities and treat us like family. I love the scripture Psalm 68:6, “God sets the lonely in families…”

11. Please keep telling us how great we are and that some guy is an idiot for not snatching us up. 

Hope this is helpful. I really mean it with as much kindness as I can extend through a blog to the 8 people who might read it. Pass it on if you feel like it might help those who really want to encourage those of us walking this road “solo”.