Brave

  

Many of you have heard about the horrors of human trafficking, the sexual abuse at Penn State, rape, and sadly, the list could go on.  Currently I am in a class called, "Theodicy and Trauma". Theodicy is about grappling with the hard questions and understanding God's goodness in the midst of such evil that is all around us. In the late 1800's, many women were given a label of "hysteria" (what we would now diagnose as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and in an effort to try and understand what contributed to this "hysteria", Freud and a few others in the field decided they were going to talk to the women (thus emerged the talking cure) to try and find out if there were commonalities that could somehow explain the cause of said illness.  The results were widespread across Europe and there were indeed commonalities.  Freud published his findings stating that the cause of women's hysteria was in fact trauma such as sexual abuse and rape.  Freud was ostracized by colleagues for what he published and he found himself feeling very isolated and thus recanted his research.  It was hard for the researchers to grasp what they had found........for the researchers to stand by what they discovered would have meant they had to acknowledge how widespread (even in the 1880's) that sexual abuse and rape was.  In a patriarchal society, that was very difficult.

Fast forward 140 years or so to this past December. I attend the yearly Christian conference with 1,000 college students and we heard hear wrenching stories of trafficking and abuse.  This particular day had been so very heavy and I had not left the hotel in a few days.  I found myself driving to go pick up dinner and just crying and beating my steering wheel over the hay day that the Enemy was having......and I got angry. Very angry.  My tears dried and I asked God to help break through here and could he just speak to me on this topic.  I was driving by a movie marquee (I know, bare with me) and 2 titles flashed by.  The first was, "War Horse" and the 2nd was, "The Darkest Hour."  I said out loud, "That's it!! That is for me, isn't it Lord?"  I got this picture of riding on this horse INTO the battle, not away from it and riding into what I see as the darkest hour of peoples lives.  I know that may sound weird to you Presbyterians, and I must say I am somewhat Presbyterian in my theology, but I do believe that God encourages and speaks to me in these pictures.  Not the same as Scripture, but just in line with it.  I often do not think in words, but in pictures.  Paul talks about how it was as if he was in the pains of childbirth until Christ was formed in the Galatians....he had vision for them...he wanted them to KNOW Christ more....and he spoke that to them.  How encouraging would that picture be to have from Paul?  Anyway, I say all this because I do not believe in going to battle alone.  Would you get mad at the Enemy as well?  Would you ride your own War Horse with me into the Darkest Hour?

That very same day in December, my sister/cousin Ami who lives in Texas texted me about a picture she had seen of me.  It was of me in this cape going into the woods to fight the enemy and see people freed.  So, you can imagine how I responded today when she emailed me this link with a message saying this was for both of us.  I share it with you now because it is in fact for many of you. What does the name "Merida" mean?  "Ambitious, brave, creative, desirable, fresh, mature, unassuming, spontaneous, thriving, sensitive"  This is the title character in an upcoming Disney Pixar movie entitled BRAVE. So, watch and then go find your horse, take up your bow and let's go riding.

(You'll have to pause the player at the bottom of the page)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYg0VgPy6Uk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Gonna Party Like It's Yo Birfday

So here I sit on the eve of my 23rd (cough, cough) birthday and I thought I would share some deep insights with you. :)

I love parties. I LOVE PARTIES. Love them. The first one I remember was when I was five or six and it was at McDonald's.  Just for the record, have any of you seen that nasty picture floating around out there about how chicken mcnugget's are made?

Gross, right?  Curse you Ronald McDonald.

I remember the party well.  Well, at least the tour part.  Watching how the machine squirted out mustard and ketchup was pretty fascinating.  Although years later during my two week stint working at Wendy's, that little lesson did not serve me well.  I digress.  Anyway, that was my first memory of a party.

When I turned 13 my mom had a surprise party for me.  Sadly, I knew about the party seeing as how I found an invitation in her bible.  My BF Anne and I planned our outfits and dreamt about this first boy/girl party. That week leading up to the party would be the longest of my life. Finally, the night came and I pulled out my best half-white/half-stonewashed jeans out and tried to act unassuming.  If you don't know me, I'm very subtle and poker-faced.  At the time, I also resembled Napoleon Dynamite. I was quite the attractive middle-schooler.

So I walked in after having had to go with a family member to get ice and "Surprise!!"  Such fun.  I spent the evening for once not feeling awkward and dancing away with friends as we watched videos of New Kids on the Block (oh yeah!).  What happened next somehow became a defining moment in my life that had too much power for way too long.  I was talking about how cute Joey from NKOTB was when someone said, "I don't know why you would say that because he would never look at someone like you."  Something happened inside me that night that felt like death.  Years later I realized how words can bring life and words can bring death.  In that moment I wish I had laughed it off, but I chose to store it in my heart and allow it to become a truth that would be the thorn in my flesh for years to come.  This person had only stated what I feared to be true of myself and somehow made my suspicion fact.

I believe this was the last time I would ever be excited about a party for me.  Year after year as I celebrated in different ways, I never fully embrace my birthday.  My family was amazing and friends in college really made each year hilarious.  For my 21st birthday, my girl friends had 21 different guys hand me flowers as I walked into dinner.  They celebrated me and it was so much fun, but inside I always thought that maybe they were all just being nice.  After college when I joined staff and was away from home, staff teams and friends would celebrate me and I would wonder if they were just being nice and felt obligated.

The past six years I haven't really wanted to celebrate, due to not wanting anyone to feel "obligated" to come.  Which leads me to the journey I have been on the past year, almost to the day.  Jesus said, "Beth, let's deal with some of this stuff.  This insecurity.  This wound that you have chosen to respond to in an unholy and unhealthy way for years."  Oh my goodness has it been terrifying.  I have and continue to look at these areas of vulnerability and wonder if redemption and healing will ever fully come.  I know it will, but sometimes healing is quick, but more often than not healing is slow and painful and happens in stages. Why? Because I think we need to remember that the process of the healing is just, if not more important than the actual end result.  I wanted to write this blog tonight and tell you about how I have arrived.....tie up this journey with a nice, pretty little bow and then give you three steps for how you too can find healing.  Nope. Here I am to say that on the eve of another birthday, that I am still a mess, but a loved mess and a joy-filled mess and how overcome I have been with HIS kindness this week.  I decided back in November that I wanted to live a better story.  One with courage and joy and one that would require risk and while it may not seem like a big deal to you as a reader, I decided that I wanted to celebrate my birthday.  I had an 80's skating party on Sunday and I didn't know if anyone would come.  I knew my family and a handful of friends would come, but would people feel obligated?  It was that same old wound festering it's ugly head, only this time I got mad and decided to face my fear head on.  Well, even though 20 or so people couldn't make it last minute, over 60 did.  I don't think 60 people felt obligated.  I think they had fun and I had fun and I think my world expanded a little and I felt a little more brave and a little piece of me was healed.

So as I sit here with an 1 1/2 hours before I turn 23 (eye-roll), would you pray for me?  Would you pray I would continue to be brave? That I would continue to grow in my joy and hope in the Lord?  And would you do something for me?  Would you choose to be brave in an area of your life where you have operated out of fear for far too long?  That would be the greatest birthday gift you could give me.   I love you all! Thanks for journeying with me and for caring.

Beth

O Holy Night

Over 400 years had passed since the last words of the prophets had been spoken. No new revelation had been given. Waiting. Watching. Hoping.  When would Messiah come?  Do you think their hope began to wane?  Do you think they questioned whether He would ever come?  Do you think their longing turned to hopelessness or a bitter, questioning heart?  When hope seems elusive, our hearts can despair.  However, imagine a stable, a manger, a baby, our Savior.  I wonder if on the night Messiah was born, the world felt something shift.  The One who would arrive would bring Hope, because Hope is not in things, dreams, wants, and others, HOPE is a Person, the person of Jesus. I encourage you to take a minute and reflect and listen to my favorite Christmas song, O Holy Night and think about the significance of that quiet night in Bethlehem when Hope came in the form of a baby.

O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining, 
It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth. 
Long lay the world in sin and error pining. 
Till He appeared and the Soul felt its worth. 
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices, 
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn. 
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices! 
O night divine, the night when Christ was born; ! 

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming, 
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand. 
O'er the world a star is sweetly gleaming, 
Now come the wisemen from out of the Orient land. 
The King of kings lay thus lowly manger; 
In all our trials born to be our friends. 
He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger, 

Truly He taught us to love one another, 
His law is love and His gospel is peace. 
Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother. 
And in his name all oppression shall cease. 
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we, 
With all our hearts we praise His holy name. 
Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we, 
His power and glory ever more proclaim! 
His power and glory ever more proclaim!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPwd26Y5drc

Something Strange in this Neighborhood

Many of you have heard me talk about the book one thousand gifts by Ann Voskamp. This book has now entered into my top two, right behind the thrilling titled, Shattered Dreams by (everyone say it with me now) Larry Crabb. When I first started reading this book back in February I was slightly annoyed. I was like, “Oh great, another book about being thankful.” I’m sure it is written by someone who’s most difficult challenge in life was that the tough economy had caused her family to be so financially strapped that they could only take 4 vacations instead of their normal 6. I wanted to hear from someone who was hurting and had disappointments that they talked about in PRESENT tense, not past tense with a big bow wrapped around it. I put the book down and picked it back up in May.


Something began to happen. At the start of my counseling internship, I read these very words, “Rejecting joy to stand in solidarity with the suffering doesn’t rescue the suffering. The converse does. The brave who focus on all things good and all things beautiful and all things true, even in the small, who give thanks for it and discover joy even in the here and now, they are the change agents who bring fullest Light to all the world.” – Ann Voskamp

Hmm….could she know something about suffering, longing to live freely, wanting chains to fall off of her weary and broken legs too? Was I actually reading a book that my heart longed to write? This phrase knocked the wind out of me when I read it and I want to challenge you to comment on it, “When did I stop seeing life as dessert?”

What happened to me? How did I get to this place of life losing some of its luster? How did I get caught up in monotony and the longing for a Pottery Barn life? Surely this is not the abundant life that Jesus spoke of. So what was Jesus’ invitation? What is Jesus’ invitation?

I have had to take an honest look at the depths of my heart and realize that I would never be happy with a life that did not include an incredible story, so what hold me back?

“Wherever you are, be all there. I have lived the runner, panting ahead in worry, pounding back regrets, terrified to live in the present, because here-time asks me to do the hardest of all: just open wide and receive.”

It is in the HERE AND NOW, in THIS MOMENT that God is….that God invites us to live fully alive to Him RIGHT NOW. In the mundane. In the waiting. In the learning. In the interactions with the addicts and desperate. But aren’t we all desperate? Some of us just hide it a little better than others. A beautiful Jesus invites us to a dance. A race. A walk. Sometimes a crawl. I have to choose thankfulness. Moment by moment. Day by day. Choosing thanks. This is not something that comes naturally to me. In fact, too often I want to cry about what I think I need or want, but He is extending an invitation to look at those moments and say, “Thank you that somehow this moment of utter sorrow is an invitation to press in to You.” It has been very difficult, but something is happening internally that I believe is good and I believe is 100% the spirit of God and His kindness. I long to be known as one with a grateful heart. A heart that sees life as dessert and an adventure with the Father. An invitation………

Mother Teresa can kick Sleeping Beauty's............

I have a confession.  I think Snow White is a weakling.  She ran around with dwarfs, didn't have any real girlfriends, and birds came and sat on her head when she sang.  The worst thing that happened to her was that she choked on a piece of apple.  And don't even get me started on Sleeping Beauty!  I will however throw a shout out to my girl Cinderella because at least she got her hands dirty and had a love for shoes. But I must admit, the whole concept of being a princess, wearing a tiara, and riding behind her prince on a white horse never really got to my heart.  I don't know if I am sad about that or glad.  Maybe a little bit more of a balance wouldn't be half-bad. 

I'm writing today because this powerful image has been rolling around in my head and heart for a couple of weeks now.  I was talking with a friend who was sharing with me that a few years ago his wife had been reading a popular book among Christian women that really focused on us being princesses.  I was laughing because he shared that his wife realized that she was getting a little agitated that she wasn't being treated like the princess that she was.  She soon realized what she was expecting and acknowledged it.  What is neat is that at the same time my friends wife was reading this book she was also reading the autobiography of Mother Teresa.  The suffering servant.  I won't go into lots of detail because I have encouraged my friend to have his wife write about what she realized when comparing the two books....I think she has a story to tell and that story isn't mine, but I will share a few thoughts as just the sharing of her experience was powerful to me.

You may not agree with everythign Mother Teresa stood for, but you cannot argue about how she laid down her life for the "least of these."  As my friend said to me, "She was a suffering servant."  She opened homes for orphanges, for those with HIV/Aids, leprosy, tuberculosis, and even hospice care where my friend Chris went and sat with those who were alone and dying.  Suffering servant.  I just keep thinking about how this is the Gospel, not my being in a castle far removed from suffering, but being IN IT WITH others.  If I have learned anything in the past five weeks of sitting with addicts and the mentally ill, it is this - we are not that different.  And while I want to wear a pretty dress, be pursued, and treated well, in my heart of hearts God has called us to be suffering servants.  This resonates deeply although it is not very popular.  It means saying "yes" to entering into the pain and yuck of your own life in order to enter the pain and yuck of someone else. To be the hands and feet of Jesus..........I can't even finish that sentence.

Don't hear me completely knocking the princess idea, because ofcourse there is some validity to it, but I think it is overdone and we don't teach one another the reality that this world will not treat you like a princess unless you are Kate Middleton and trust me, that will wear off as soon as she says something without thinking or decides to wear a cardigan from Target.  Anyway, we are suffering servants and if I have to be a princess then I want my own horse.

Our Gal Sal

My friend Sally is one-of-a-kind. When Sal lived in Knoxville, she was a nurse at Childrens hospital. We shared a house for four years here in Knoxville, until she married Corey not quite three years ago.  Sally was always "sought after" and was quite the heartbreaker and then she fell in love with Corey.  Sal and I bonded over cookies, awkward moments in singles groups, Sal always volunteering to pray when no one else would after what felt llike ten minutes of silence.  We bonded over bears on our porch, raccoons in our garbage, foxes running across our driveway, and the one memorable time when she called me and said she had seen a malmute out by the tree. Huh?!?  We have prayed for one another, encouraged one another in hard seasons, and now it is my turn to ask all of you to join with me in praying for a miracle of healing for our gal Sal.  We know that God chooses to work in different ways, but we are praying for healing until he heals or until he says, "no". 

You can read Sally's caringbridge site - Sally Cleek for current updates, but basically in December while Sally was approx. 12 weeks pregnant with their first child, the doctor found breast cancer.  Sal had chemo and even surgery while preganant with baby Drew.  They induced labor on May 4th and beautiful Drew Cleek was welcomed into this world. Because Drew was over a month early, he had to be in the NICU and immediately Sally had to start another round of chemo.  Over two weeks ago, Sally and Corey were able to bring Drew home from the hospital.  The very next day Sal was having excruciating headaches and the doctors found that cancer had moved to her brain.  She has been undergoing radiation and we are praying for healing.  Below are some prayer requests Sally has.  Would you please join me in praying for a miracle?  Please feel free to pass these along to anyone who might join all of us in praying for Sal.  She truly is a treasured friend. 

(These are Sally's words)
~The biggest prayer request involves us meeting the neuro oncologist Tuesday at 1 named Dr. Motts.  This is how I will find out if the cancer is in the fluid around the brain.  Please pray that it's not there.  That will make my diagnosis much worse.  It may require that I have a spinal tap to discover if it is in there so pray for wisdom about that decision

~pray my neurological symptoms would go away, especially blurry vision and headaches

~pray for Hope and Peace for me....I've never been so devastated or heart broken before.

~pray I get an appt. in Boston soon with Dr. Nancy Linn, the premiere doctor in the country for my disease with brain involvement

~pray for a real sense of purpose while we are going through this

~God has promised me that if I believe that I would see the glory of God

~please pray for surge of faith beyond my fear

~(my words) please pray for Sally's and Corey's family who adore her!

~pray that Drew will thrive and grow despite his mommy being sick and that we would have an incredible bond

~pray I will be grateful for the life I've been given and that I would be able to minister to others through this pain

~please pray for more time for me to see my baby grow up and grow old with my husband.  That is the desire of my heart so will you ask Him with me for more time

Thank you all for praying with me for healing of our sweet Sally. 
Beth

Are you WITH me?

 Emmanuel.  God WITH us.   With - "accompanied by."  Thank you, dictionary.com.  I'm beginning to crawl out of the hole that I have been in for the past month. A hole that included the beach, starting classes again, and beginning my internship which means seeing clients for the first time.  But I also have been more internal as I allow a significant week at the end of April to continue to resonate in my heart and mind.  I don't know if I will ever truly understand why it feels more safe for me to share some heart things on a blog, but a little more difficult for me to share one-on-one....I'll make sure I ask my counselor next week. :)  Anyway, I wanted to share with you what has been stirring in me.

Larry Crabb is a hero of mine.  When I was walking through my broken engagement my discipler gave me a book of his called Finding God.  From then on I was hooked.  His message often is not popular, but it was what I needed to hear.  Do I want God more than I want his blessings?  Does He desire to bless? YES! But I cannot demand it.  When my desires get out of order, entitlement surfaces, and let me tell you friends, it ain't pretty.  All that to say is that I went to a conference/retreat/school with Larry at the end of April.  At the schools that he leads, he always prays about who he wants to ask to "chat" with him in front of the class for four nights.  He calls it "chatting" and I would call it "counseling the neurotic redhead who has a really bad ugly cry."  I digress.  Needless to say, he picked me.  I have no clue why, other than it was Jesus loving on me in a very specific way that I was not expecting. 

Even now my eys well up with tears (shocker, I know) as I think about how God met me.  Probably even more AFTER the week than the week there.  I kept waiting for Larry to address blind spots in my life, to tell me areas in my life where I was just unteachable, etc.  I think I feel this way about Jesus more than I was willing to admit.  What Larry wanted me to know is that he enjoyed being WITH me.  He would tell me that and I would just stare at him.  I was undone.  I followed the man around all week.  STALKER.  I sat in front of him as he taught.  I asked him questions at every break.  He would turn around and I would say, "Hey! It's me again."  Here's the thing. I adore this man and he has played a significant role in my life, but he isn't Jesus.  What he showed me is that Jesus also enjoys being WITH me. 

So once again, when my days of longing for "home" are more intense than others, I am learning to see it as a continued invitation to press in and experience Jesus' "withness".  Augustine said that we are restless until we find our rest in Him.  Such wisdom and truth.  WITHNESS is powerful.  My new friends from that week saw and recognized what I could not....that I needed to undersand Jesus wants to be WITH me as all of us, including myself, have experienced painful times when others did not want to be WITH.......Can you believe that God left heaven to be WITH us?  What crap deal on his end.  Let's not analyze that  weak theological statement.

In the picture above, it reminds me of the power of healing we have in our relationships with one another.  Can I be WITH someone in silence, tears, and pain? Can I be fully present and joyful WITH another as they get engaged and then move on to marriage and babies?  Can I be WITH someone in their anger and disappointment?  Can I be WITH someone when all I want to do is run away from the uncomfortable emotions or fear that it surfaces in me?  I pray we will all learn more from the One who is With.........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gBGGX3yvMo