The Melodrama of Beth

Brave

2012-02-08T20:33:00.002-05:00

Many of you have heard about the horrors of human trafficking, the sexual abuse at Penn State, rape, and sadly, the list could go on. Currently I am in a class called, "Theodicy and Trauma". Theodicy is about grappling with the hard questions and understanding God's goodness in the midst of such evil that is all around us. In the late 1800's, many women were given a label of "hysteria" (what we would now diagnose as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and in an effort to try and understand what contributed to this "hysteria", Freud and a few others in the field decided they were going to talk to the women (thus emerged the talking cure) to try and find out if there were commonalities that could somehow explain the cause of said illness. The results were widespread across Europe and there were indeed commonalities. Freud published his findings stating that the cause of women's hysteria was in fact trauma such as sexual abuse and rape. Freud was ostracized by colleagues for what he published and he found himself feeling very isolated and thus recanted his research. It was hard for the researchers to grasp what they had found........for the researchers to stand by what they discovered would have meant they had to acknowledge how widespread (even in the 1880's) that sexual abuse and rape was. In a patriarchal society, that was very difficult.

Fast forward 140 years or so to this past December. I attend the yearly Christian conference with 1,000 college students and we heard hear wrenching stories of trafficking and abuse. This particular day had been so very heavy and I had not left the hotel in a few days. I found myself driving to go pick up dinner and just crying and beating my steering wheel over the hay day that the Enemy was having......and I got angry. Very angry. My tears dried and I asked God to help break through here and could he just speak to me on this topic. I was driving by a movie marquee (I know, bare with me) and 2 titles flashed by. The first was, "War Horse" and the 2nd was, "The Darkest Hour." I said out loud, "That's it!! That is for me, isn't it Lord?" I got this picture of riding on this horse INTO the battle, not away from it and riding into what I see as the darkest hour of peoples lives. I know that may sound weird to you Presbyterians, and I must say I am somewhat Presbyterian in my theology, but I do believe that God encourages and speaks to me in these pictures. Not the same as Scripture, but just in line with it. I often do not think in words, but in pictures. Paul talks about how it was as if he was in the pains of childbirth until Christ was formed in the Galatians....he had vision for them...he wanted them to KNOW Christ more....and he spoke that to them. How encouraging would that picture be to have from Paul? Anyway, I say all this because I do not believe in going to battle alone. Would you get mad at the Enemy as well? Would you ride your own War Horse with me into the Darkest Hour?

That very same day in December, my sister/cousin Ami who lives in Texas texted me about a picture she had seen of me. It was of me in this cape going into the woods to fight the enemy and see people freed. So, you can imagine how I responded today when she emailed me this link with a message saying this was for both of us. I share it with you now because it is in fact for many of you. What does the name "Merida" mean? "Ambitious, brave, creative, desirable, fresh, mature, unassuming, spontaneous, thriving, sensitive" This is the title character in an upcoming Disney Pixar movie entitled BRAVE. So, watch and then go find your horse, take up your bow and let's go riding.

(You'll have to pause the player at the bottom of the page)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYg0VgPy6Uk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Gonna Party Like It's Yo Birfday

2012-01-18T22:34:00.000-05:00

So here I sit on the eve of my 23rd (cough, cough) birthday and I thought I would share some deep insights with you. :)

I love parties. I LOVE PARTIES. Love them. The first one I remember was when I was five or six and it was at McDonald's. Just for the record, have any of you seen that nasty picture floating around out there about how chicken mcnugget's are made?

Gross, right? Curse you Ronald McDonald.

I remember the party well. Well, at least the tour part. Watching how the machine squirted out mustard and ketchup was pretty fascinating. Although years later during my two week stint working at Wendy's, that little lesson did not serve me well. I digress. Anyway, that was my first memory of a party.

When I turned 13 my mom had a surprise party for me. Sadly, I knew about the party seeing as how I found an invitation in her bible. My BF Anne and I planned our outfits and dreamt about this first boy/girl party. That week leading up to the party would be the longest of my life. Finally, the night came and I pulled out my best half-white/half-stonewashed jeans out and tried to act unassuming. If you don't know me, I'm very subtle and poker-faced. At the time, I also resembled Napoleon Dynamite. I was quite the attractive middle-schooler.

So I walked in after having had to go with a family member to get ice and "Surprise!!" Such fun. I spent the evening for once not feeling awkward and dancing away with friends as we watched videos of New Kids on the Block (oh yeah!). What happened next somehow became a defining moment in my life that had too much power for way too long. I was talking about how cute Joey from NKOTB was when someone said, "I don't know why you would say that because he would never look at someone like you." Something happened inside me that night that felt like death. Years later I realized how words can bring life and words can bring death. In that moment I wish I had laughed it off, but I chose to store it in my heart and allow it to become a truth that would be the thorn in my flesh for years to come. This person had only stated what I feared to be true of myself and somehow made my suspicion fact.

I believe this was the last time I would ever be excited about a party for me. Year after year as I celebrated in different ways, I never fully embrace my birthday. My family was amazing and friends in college really made each year hilarious. For my 21st birthday, my girl friends had 21 different guys hand me flowers as I walked into dinner. They celebrated me and it was so much fun, but inside I always thought that maybe they were all just being nice. After college when I joined staff and was away from home, staff teams and friends would celebrate me and I would wonder if they were just being nice and felt obligated.

The past six years I haven't really wanted to celebrate, due to not wanting anyone to feel "obligated" to come. Which leads me to the journey I have been on the past year, almost to the day. Jesus said, "Beth, let's deal with some of this stuff. This insecurity. This wound that you have chosen to respond to in an unholy and unhealthy way for years." Oh my goodness has it been terrifying. I have and continue to look at these areas of vulnerability and wonder if redemption and healing will ever fully come. I know it will, but sometimes healing is quick, but more often than not healing is slow and painful and happens in stages. Why? Because I think we need to remember that the process of the healing is just, if not more important than the actual end result. I wanted to write this blog tonight and tell you about how I have arrived.....tie up this journey with a nice, pretty little bow and then give you three steps for how you too can find healing. Nope. Here I am to say that on the eve of another birthday, that I am still a mess, but a loved mess and a joy-filled mess and how overcome I have been with HIS kindness this week. I decided back in November that I wanted to live a better story. One with courage and joy and one that would require risk and while it may not seem like a big deal to you as a reader, I decided that I wanted to celebrate my birthday. I had an 80's skating party on Sunday and I didn't know if anyone would come. I knew my family and a handful of friends would come, but would people feel obligated? It was that same old wound festering it's ugly head, only this time I got mad and decided to face my fear head on. Well, even though 20 or so people couldn't make it last minute, over 60 did. I don't think 60 people felt obligated. I think they had fun and I had fun and I think my world expanded a little and I felt a little more brave and a little piece of me was healed.

So as I sit here with an 1 1/2 hours before I turn 23 (eye-roll), would you pray for me? Would you pray I would continue to be brave? That I would continue to grow in my joy and hope in the Lord? And would you do something for me? Would you choose to be brave in an area of your life where you have operated out of fear for far too long? That would be the greatest birthday gift you could give me. I love you all! Thanks for journeying with me and for caring.

Beth

O Holy Night

2011-11-30T13:15:00.000-05:00

Over 400 years had passed since the last words of the prophets had been spoken. No new revelation had been given. Waiting. Watching. Hoping. When would Messiah come? Do you think their hope began to wane? Do you think they questioned whether He would ever come? Do you think their longing turned to hopelessness or a bitter, questioning heart? When hope seems elusive, our hearts can despair. However, imagine a stable, a manger, a baby, our Savior. I wonder if on the night Messiah was born, the world felt something shift. The One who would arrive would bring Hope, because Hope is not in things, dreams, wants, and others, HOPE is a Person, the person of Jesus. I encourage you to take a minute and reflect and listen to my favorite Christmas song, O Holy Night and think about the significance of that quiet night in Bethlehem when Hope came in the form of a baby.

O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining.
Till He appeared and the Soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born; !

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
O'er the world a star is sweetly gleaming,
Now come the wisemen from out of the Orient land.
The King of kings lay thus lowly manger;
In all our trials born to be our friends.
He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger,

Truly He taught us to love one another,
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.
And in his name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,
His power and glory ever more proclaim!
His power and glory ever more proclaim!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPwd26Y5drc

Something Strange in this Neighborhood

2011-09-19T20:42:00.000-04:00

Many of you have heard me talk about the book one thousand gifts by Ann Voskamp. This book has now entered into my top two, right behind the thrilling titled, Shattered Dreams by (everyone say it with me now) Larry Crabb. When I first started reading this book back in February I was slightly annoyed. I was like, “Oh great, another book about being thankful.” I’m sure it is written by someone who’s most difficult challenge in life was that the tough economy had caused her family to be so financially strapped that they could only take 4 vacations instead of their normal 6. I wanted to hear from someone who was hurting and had disappointments that they talked about in PRESENT tense, not past tense with a big bow wrapped around it. I put the book down and picked it back up in May.

Something began to happen. At the start of my counseling internship, I read these very words, “Rejecting joy to stand in solidarity with the suffering doesn’t rescue the suffering. The converse does. The brave who focus on all things good and all things beautiful and all things true, even in the small, who give thanks for it and discover joy even in the here and now, they are the change agents who bring fullest Light to all the world.” – Ann Voskamp

Hmm….could she know something about suffering, longing to live freely, wanting chains to fall off of her weary and broken legs too? Was I actually reading a book that my heart longed to write? This phrase knocked the wind out of me when I read it and I want to challenge you to comment on it, “When did I stop seeing life as dessert?”

What happened to me? How did I get to this place of life losing some of its luster? How did I get caught up in monotony and the longing for a Pottery Barn life? Surely this is not the abundant life that Jesus spoke of. So what was Jesus’ invitation? What is Jesus’ invitation?

I have had to take an honest look at the depths of my heart and realize that I would never be happy with a life that did not include an incredible story, so what hold me back?

“Wherever you are, be all there. I have lived the runner, panting ahead in worry, pounding back regrets, terrified to live in the present, because here-time asks me to do the hardest of all: just open wide and receive.”

It is in the HERE AND NOW, in THIS MOMENT that God is….that God invites us to live fully alive to Him RIGHT NOW. In the mundane. In the waiting. In the learning. In the interactions with the addicts and desperate. But aren’t we all desperate? Some of us just hide it a little better than others. A beautiful Jesus invites us to a dance. A race. A walk. Sometimes a crawl. I have to choose thankfulness. Moment by moment. Day by day. Choosing thanks. This is not something that comes naturally to me. In fact, too often I want to cry about what I think I need or want, but He is extending an invitation to look at those moments and say, “Thank you that somehow this moment of utter sorrow is an invitation to press in to You.” It has been very difficult, but something is happening internally that I believe is good and I believe is 100% the spirit of God and His kindness. I long to be known as one with a grateful heart. A heart that sees life as dessert and an adventure with the Father. An invitation………

Mother Teresa can kick Sleeping Beauty's............

2011-07-03T15:28:00.000-04:00

I have a confession. I think Snow White is a weakling. She ran around with dwarfs, didn't have any real girlfriends, and birds came and sat on her head when she sang. The worst thing that happened to her was that she choked on a piece of apple. And don't even get me started on Sleeping Beauty! I will however throw a shout out to my girl Cinderella because at least she got her hands dirty and had a love for shoes. But I must admit, the whole concept of being a princess, wearing a tiara, and riding behind her prince on a white horse never really got to my heart. I don't know if I am sad about that or glad. Maybe a little bit more of a balance wouldn't be half-bad.

I'm writing today because this powerful image has been rolling around in my head and heart for a couple of weeks now. I was talking with a friend who was sharing with me that a few years ago his wife had been reading a popular book among Christian women that really focused on us being princesses. I was laughing because he shared that his wife realized that she was getting a little agitated that she wasn't being treated like the princess that she was. She soon realized what she was expecting and acknowledged it. What is neat is that at the same time my friends wife was reading this book she was also reading the autobiography of Mother Teresa. The suffering servant. I won't go into lots of detail because I have encouraged my friend to have his wife write about what she realized when comparing the two books....I think she has a story to tell and that story isn't mine, but I will share a few thoughts as just the sharing of her experience was powerful to me.

You may not agree with everythign Mother Teresa stood for, but you cannot argue about how she laid down her life for the "least of these." As my friend said to me, "She was a suffering servant." She opened homes for orphanges, for those with HIV/Aids, leprosy, tuberculosis, and even hospice care where my friend Chris went and sat with those who were alone and dying. Suffering servant. I just keep thinking about how this is the Gospel, not my being in a castle far removed from suffering, but being IN IT WITH others. If I have learned anything in the past five weeks of sitting with addicts and the mentally ill, it is this - we are not that different. And while I want to wear a pretty dress, be pursued, and treated well, in my heart of hearts God has called us to be suffering servants. This resonates deeply although it is not very popular. It means saying "yes" to entering into the pain and yuck of your own life in order to enter the pain and yuck of someone else. To be the hands and feet of Jesus..........I can't even finish that sentence.

Don't hear me completely knocking the princess idea, because ofcourse there is some validity to it, but I think it is overdone and we don't teach one another the reality that this world will not treat you like a princess unless you are Kate Middleton and trust me, that will wear off as soon as she says something without thinking or decides to wear a cardigan from Target. Anyway, we are suffering servants and if I have to be a princess then I want my own horse.

Our Gal Sal

2011-06-13T08:27:00.000-04:00

My friend Sally is one-of-a-kind. When Sal lived in Knoxville, she was a nurse at Childrens hospital. We shared a house for four years here in Knoxville, until she married Corey not quite three years ago. Sally was always "sought after" and was quite the heartbreaker and then she fell in love with Corey. Sal and I bonded over cookies, awkward moments in singles groups, Sal always volunteering to pray when no one else would after what felt llike ten minutes of silence. We bonded over bears on our porch, raccoons in our garbage, foxes running across our driveway, and the one memorable time when she called me and said she had seen a malmute out by the tree. Huh?!? We have prayed for one another, encouraged one another in hard seasons, and now it is my turn to ask all of you to join with me in praying for a miracle of healing for our gal Sal. We know that God chooses to work in different ways, but we are praying for healing until he heals or until he says, "no".

You can read Sally's caringbridge site - Sally Cleek for current updates, but basically in December while Sally was approx. 12 weeks pregnant with their first child, the doctor found breast cancer. Sal had chemo and even surgery while preganant with baby Drew. They induced labor on May 4th and beautiful Drew Cleek was welcomed into this world. Because Drew was over a month early, he had to be in the NICU and immediately Sally had to start another round of chemo. Over two weeks ago, Sally and Corey were able to bring Drew home from the hospital. The very next day Sal was having excruciating headaches and the doctors found that cancer had moved to her brain. She has been undergoing radiation and we are praying for healing. Below are some prayer requests Sally has. Would you please join me in praying for a miracle? Please feel free to pass these along to anyone who might join all of us in praying for Sal. She truly is a treasured friend.

(These are Sally's words)
~The biggest prayer request involves us meeting the neuro oncologist Tuesday at 1 named Dr. Motts. This is how I will find out if the cancer is in the fluid around the brain. Please pray that it's not there. That will make my diagnosis much worse. It may require that I have a spinal tap to discover if it is in there so pray for wisdom about that decision

~pray my neurological symptoms would go away, especially blurry vision and headaches

~pray for Hope and Peace for me....I've never been so devastated or heart broken before.

~pray I get an appt. in Boston soon with Dr. Nancy Linn, the premiere doctor in the country for my disease with brain involvement

~pray for a real sense of purpose while we are going through this

~God has promised me that if I believe that I would see the glory of God

~please pray for surge of faith beyond my fear

~(my words) please pray for Sally's and Corey's family who adore her!

~pray that Drew will thrive and grow despite his mommy being sick and that we would have an incredible bond

~pray I will be grateful for the life I've been given and that I would be able to minister to others through this pain

~please pray for more time for me to see my baby grow up and grow old with my husband. That is the desire of my heart so will you ask Him with me for more time

Thank you all for praying with me for healing of our sweet Sally.
Beth

Are you WITH me?

2011-06-01T22:41:00.000-04:00

Emmanuel. God WITH us. With - "accompanied by." Thank you, dictionary.com. I'm beginning to crawl out of the hole that I have been in for the past month. A hole that included the beach, starting classes again, and beginning my internship which means seeing clients for the first time. But I also have been more internal as I allow a significant week at the end of April to continue to resonate in my heart and mind. I don't know if I will ever truly understand why it feels more safe for me to share some heart things on a blog, but a little more difficult for me to share one-on-one....I'll make sure I ask my counselor next week. :) Anyway, I wanted to share with you what has been stirring in me.

Larry Crabb is a hero of mine. When I was walking through my broken engagement my discipler gave me a book of his called Finding God. From then on I was hooked. His message often is not popular, but it was what I needed to hear. Do I want God more than I want his blessings? Does He desire to bless? YES! But I cannot demand it. When my desires get out of order, entitlement surfaces, and let me tell you friends, it ain't pretty. All that to say is that I went to a conference/retreat/school with Larry at the end of April. At the schools that he leads, he always prays about who he wants to ask to "chat" with him in front of the class for four nights. He calls it "chatting" and I would call it "counseling the neurotic redhead who has a really bad ugly cry." I digress. Needless to say, he picked me. I have no clue why, other than it was Jesus loving on me in a very specific way that I was not expecting.

Even now my eys well up with tears (shocker, I know) as I think about how God met me. Probably even more AFTER the week than the week there. I kept waiting for Larry to address blind spots in my life, to tell me areas in my life where I was just unteachable, etc. I think I feel this way about Jesus more than I was willing to admit. What Larry wanted me to know is that he enjoyed being WITH me. He would tell me that and I would just stare at him. I was undone. I followed the man around all week. STALKER. I sat in front of him as he taught. I asked him questions at every break. He would turn around and I would say, "Hey! It's me again." Here's the thing. I adore this man and he has played a significant role in my life, but he isn't Jesus. What he showed me is that Jesus also enjoys being WITH me.

So once again, when my days of longing for "home" are more intense than others, I am learning to see it as a continued invitation to press in and experience Jesus' "withness". Augustine said that we are restless until we find our rest in Him. Such wisdom and truth. WITHNESS is powerful. My new friends from that week saw and recognized what I could not....that I needed to undersand Jesus wants to be WITH me as all of us, including myself, have experienced painful times when others did not want to be WITH.......Can you believe that God left heaven to be WITH us? What crap deal on his end. Let's not analyze that weak theological statement.

In the picture above, it reminds me of the power of healing we have in our relationships with one another. Can I be WITH someone in silence, tears, and pain? Can I be fully present and joyful WITH another as they get engaged and then move on to marriage and babies? Can I be WITH someone in their anger and disappointment? Can I be WITH someone when all I want to do is run away from the uncomfortable emotions or fear that it surfaces in me? I pray we will all learn more from the One who is With.........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gBGGX3yvMo

One Man's Trash, Another Man's Treasure

2011-03-28T22:23:00.000-04:00

This past summer I bought my first white sundress against my better judgment. Ever since my mom did the color wheel with me at age 2, and I knew I was an "autumn", I just couldn't allow myself the privilege of wearing white. Well, so I went into Anthropologie to buy hair accessories, cause let's be honest, Anthropologie is not cheap and I can only afford hair accessories. I went to the sale rack, found this white dress and bought it. Sadly, I have to admit that the chore around the house that I most detest is putting away clean laundry. I'll move it from my bed to the floor to the bed to the floor. Well, my white dress fell off onto the floor and off I went to campus. When I got home I noticed that my dog, Sophie, had mistaken it for her puppy pad. Needless to say, it went into the garbage. It was my treasure and Sophie's trash.

This is how I feel about eHarmony.One man's trash, another man's treasure. I firmly believe in eHarmony for so many of my friends. It has been a treasure! Several have gotten married and all it took was "4 easy steps to find the right match!" Kidding. That's just what their website says. I am against it for myself because I really need and want to know someone in their daily context. We all know those people who are awesome and first impressions and personable, then you find out they have 6 wives. Anyway, if everyone thinks eHarmony is so great, why are most people embarrassed to admit they are doing it? Here's my proposition.....I want to hear if you think I should do it and why? Or if I shouldn't and why? I have no desire to do it, but part of me thinks it would be a fun blogging topic. Anyway, if I choose to do it, I will not be secretive about it. I'll break "code". Imagine that. Okay, hit me up with your opinions.

Beth

Realizations of a "Fiat" God.

2011-02-18T16:28:00.001-05:00

It has been the most boringly, interesting week. It's one of those weeks that seemed somewhat "normal" and yet here it is Friday at 4PM and I realize that all the "normal" has led me to a huge revelation and grateful heart.

I've been really sick all week. Grouchy. Irritable. Not able to engage well with people due to low energy. One of those weeks where you want to throw your shoe at the heads of those who take for granted their significant other when you have to go to the store in your pj's for kleenex and the latest People magazine. Oh it's a cruel, cruel world. :) Anyway, I was feeling sorry for myself when I started thinking back over my week, which led me to one year ago. The day I learned about "FIAT" God. And no, I'm not talking about the cheap little European car. I'm talking about being in a place where hope deferred makes the heart sick and you don't see how things could change. Awake my soul.

It was February 1st, 2010 when I sat down with my dear friend and mentor Carol Jordan and she said, "Beth, have you heard about God being a 'Fiat" God?" I was tempted to nod in arrogance, but I had not a clue what was coming out of her mouth. Awake my soul. Pause. Let me back up here. In 2007 and 2008 there was a mass Exodus in Knoxville of my core group of friends. MASS EXODUS. A life I had loved was no longer. It was me and Jesus and the Marshmans and a really hard two years with Campus Crusade at UT for me personally. Even writing about the Marshmans makes me cry. Hank and Chrisy and their two sons Brett and Blake are my second family. They have been constant. Awake my soul. I was physically sick in many ways that I've shared about in the past and it had taken it's toll emotionally as well. God has created us for relationship....being in relationship with others who walk with Him brings healing....it is also painful as we speak truth in love and exhort. However, it is a gift and when that community was stripped away, I floundered. Back to Carol and February 1st, 2010. "Fiat" - means Creator. God creates out of NOTHING. Carol said, "Let's pray and ask God to bring community out of nothing!" This sounds pitiful. Oh well, nothing like showing your guts on the worldwide web. Awake my soul.

So my first gift came in the form of one of my best friends from Cumberland College days. J Lo (Jennifer Loveday) moved in to the other side of my house. I can't even tell you how big of a blessing that has been. Is that my soul stirring?

Another way it has come is in the form of the Ancelets. Tracie and I have had tons of mutual friends and have shared a love of well.....EVERYTHING. A friend who knows both of us have coined us, "Peanut butter and jelly." Tracie and I have also both been to Larry Crabb's school of spiritual direction, so we speak the same language. Soul is stirring even more. I love the Ancelet's. They also have a three year old named Abel who they adopted from Ethiopia which has been a dream of mine. Tracie - FIAT my friend. What a gift you are.

Today I got some more great news. My roommate my first three years on staff, Kim, is moving close to Knoxville. I literally cannot believe this. Kim "Keebie Jeanie" and I laugh so hard when we are together and also share on a deep level things that God is doing in our lives. I am doing toe touches over the fact that I will get the opportunity to be an "auntie" to her kiddos and to do life a little more with her. Soul is awake!

When I started school at Richmont, I never thought that it would open up a whole new world of friendships, but it has gone way above and beyond what I ever thought possible. I meet women like Jane Neall, who is fighting Pancreatic cancer with bravery and doesn't want to be known for that. She loves Jesus and it exudes from every fiber of her being. You meet people like Rae, a single mom of three who fights for justice and gives those a voice who don't have one. You meet Phillip who costs you a lot of money due to his book recommendations. I've also loved that these friends aren't phased at all when you feel like a train wreck. There's also no room for small talk or superficiality because we are in school for counseling. It's pretty hilarious.

Thanks for letting me ramble about people you do not even know. I do this for myself, because like the Israelites, I constantly need to REMEMBER God's faithfulness and celebrate it. Sometimes I have the book so close to my face that I can't see the story. Thank you, God for creating something out of nothing. I didn't have to do a thing. I couldn't have even if I had wanted to, I was too broken and ill. Awake my soul and sing. I have no idea where you are if you are reading this, but I do know that He is a FIAT God for you as well. He longs for our lives to fully AWAKENED to Him. Only then can we dream dreams He has for us and be open and alive to the adventure and invitation He extends to us on a daily basis......here we go.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ljr6lqu2-ec

ME, Me, me, you, You, YOU.

2011-01-12T21:37:00.000-05:00

There's a name I am extremely familiar with. So familiar in fact that I'm kind of over it. The name is "Me". A few years ago my staff team had a joke regarding a band we had heard rehearsing. We kept hearing the lead singer say, "Can I get a little more me in the mic?" "Can I get a little more me in the monitor?" "A little more me, please?" Over the past little while I have been listening to the Lord say to me, "This life is not all about you." Don't get me wrong, I know He adores me. I know He cares and pursues. But I've seen too much of ME over the years. Recently I went on a cruise. The cruise was a gift and one night while watching the sunset I was thinking about Jesus and wondering what if He had come to Earth with a "ME" mentality. How different life would be. I think about Philippians 2 and how He made himself nothing and humbled himself to death and not just any death, but death on a cross. And the Father gave him the name that is above every other name. A name greater than "Me". A name greater than Obama or George. A name greater than Osama or Haggard. A name greater than Billy Graham or Mother Theresa. Greater than Tim Keller or Larry Crabb. A name of the one that one day I will have the joy of seeing face to face.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kma2VTeTuoE

I've realized more lately that my longing for Home has increased. For years I have wrestled with this strange sense of sadness and restlessness that usually comes everyday around the hours of 5PM-8PM. I've often attributed it to winter, a draining time in ministry, singleness, whatever is about ME. My sweet sister even made me a hilarious CD several years ago called, "5 to 8" with lines from Christmas Vacation, dance music, and a variety of entertaining musings. Well people, I've had an epiphany (which most of you would say "duh" to). I think no matter what happens in my life, dreams fulfilled, a life lived to the fullest, community, etc. that I will always have that slight sadness or restlessness. Why? Because it is a very real reminder that I am not Home yet. It reminds me that there is a greater invitation Jesus offers to us than just having a "good life". I think I would be bored. So this invitation continues..............

As I think back over 2010, I could not be more grateful for the journey and the process. The first half was brutal and the second half involved a skip in my step and a song in my heart. Crawford Lorritts says, "Sometimes your hope has to be threatened in order for it to be strengthened." True dat, Crawford. I wonder what invitation Christ will extend to me in 2011? Will I lean into it? What reminds you that you are not Home yet? Above I copied a youtube video of a song I literally have been hopping around to all day. Pretty funny sight when one is wearing an ugly black boot for leg issues, but nevertheless it is a powerful song. I can't wait to worship face to face with Him and with YOU beside me.

The Dance of the Heart

2010-12-03T00:57:00.000-05:00

I hated middle school dances. I remember that Campbell's soup commercial of the gawky redhead coming in from a dance and crying because she didn't get asked to dance and her mom fed her soup. Do you think that's maybe when her food issues began? I could totally relate to that commercial.

High school came along and the braces and glasses came off. I went to a dance with great fear and trepidation due to the middle school trauma. Babyface came on and life got better when my 3rd grade crush asked me to dance. No Campbell's soup for me that night. Just a heart to heart with Be Frie Anne.

Ironically my most memorable class in college was Dr. Key's ballroom dance shindig. Adam White was my partner and we Fox trotted, Cha Cha Cha'd, Waltzed, and Boot Scooted with the best of 'em. Dr. Key also taught my tennis class which would be anothe blog entirely. Anyway, one struggle I had was to let go and trust Adam to lead. Sometimes, especially in the beginning, I would be mannequin-like and hold back because I didn't want to mess up. Not surprisingly this is when I would "mess up".

I write all of this because once again I find myself in a dance of my own. It's a dance I hear over and over as I hand my sister, friends and my sweet college girls kleenex after kleenex. As an aside, Kleenex needs to pay my salary for the next year. The tears I hear are about longing and being ashamed that they have longing for relationship. Longing they try to keep hidden because of every single book or tv show we read about playing hard to get or fear of looking like Josie Grossie in the movie, "Never Been Kissed". I'm on a rampage to end the statement, "I just need to learn to be content." Hear me out here I'm not saying to not be content, but what I am saying is, "DO NOT KILL DESIRE!! You are not a Buddhist." Being content is different than killing desire. We don't know how to live with longing, therefore any hint of unmet longing we think is bad when in all actuality it is an invitation to lean into the Father. Take John 11 for example. (Thank you, Phillip!!) It's a familiar story about Mary and Martha and the death of their brother Lazarus. They called for Jesus to come and heal Lazarus, but Jesus waited and Lazarus died. When Jesus finally came to them Martha greeted him in Martha-like fashion and said, "If you had been here our brother would not have died." Right before that the text says that Jesus loved Martha....She was honest and He responded to her. What I had never realized before is that Mary said the EXACT same phrase as Martha, but her heart was broken and she wept at Jesus' feet. Jesus was moved by Mary. I know I'm taking some liberty here, but what I see is one who kept her heart a little more at bay, and one who said the exact same words, but her heart was dancing toward Jesus even in her pain. And He was moved.

I'm wondering also what "the dance" is like for men. My friend Eric when talking with me about women alwasy refers to us as "your people". I wonder what "your people" dance to. Do you make a silent vow to play it safe or be passive? Is it more similar to the dance that women dance than "my people" would think??? Throw me a bone here. I really want to understand.

I've been in a process of wanting to dance freely. I'm not very coordinated and sometimes I am like Martha or those early middle school days, but I'm seeing more and more of a desire to live (in the words of Misty Edwards) "arms wide open, a heart exposed" because that feels like faith to me....an invitation. I hope you will be persuaded to join me in the dance..........

"I'm restless 'til I rest in You."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0B2ybZpDeM

IS JESUS THE PRIZE?

2010-10-24T23:35:00.000-04:00

Do I really believe it? Is Jesus truly the prize? Or do I see him as a means to an end? What kind of "end" am I running after? Remember that old quote that said something to the effect of, "He who dies with the most toys wins"? I can look at ways I've missed the mark, but let's be honest - most of us fall on one side or the other - either we focus so much on our failure, or we don't look at ourselves at all. I'm learning to look to the Cross and there I find perspective and gratitude. It is at the foot of the Cross where I lose my life only to find it becoming a little bit more hidden in my Father. Such a journey.....but the journey is my own. It's me and Jesus. No one else will ever walk the same road and no one will have the same conversations that you and I have on an individual basis with Christ. Isn't that amazing?

I just got home from a wedding of a dear friend. Another Beth. Jesus truly is my friends prize which is why it was so fun to watch her marry Marten. Marten wasn't the prize, even though he is great. My friend let's others off the hook, so to speak, because she doesn't demand from others or from Marten what he cannot and should not give. Her prize is Christ.

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus

Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos and confusion
I know you're sovereign still

In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do your will

When you call I won't delay
This my song through all my days

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus

All my delight is in you Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
All my delight is in you Lord
Forevermore
There is no one else for me
None but Jesus

My hero, Larry Crabb, wrote, "I'm troubled by how unquestioningly we live out our determination to make this life work. All our hopes for happiness are bound up in it. It's as if we believe this is the only world we ever plan to inhabit." I struggle with this greatly. I look all around me at brokenness and heartbreak - friends marriages falling apart, family members heartbreaks, the battle for life of a new friend, loss of support for many fellow CCC staff friends, single moms and dads working hard, others praying through adopting special needs children, and the list goes on, but Jesus calls us to the foot of the Cross where grace meets our pain and suffering and where we see just how much that he not only understands, but where he experienced all of it at one time. He is not a God who is far off, but who is very near.

Oh friends, He is our prize.

80's Hair Band Kinda Day

2010-09-28T21:40:00.001-04:00

I only wish my hair had looked this good when I woke up this morning. Do you ever get to the end of the day and think, "Is this my life for real?" Today was one of those days. Well, it started out with me resembling the band Def Leppard. I actually have curly hair and decided to wash it before I went to bed. See picture below and take a vote on which band member you think I most resembled at 6:43AM this morning. Fabulous prizes will be awarded to the winner. I think I have a Justin Bieber poster in my closet and a life sized cardboard cutout of Jesus. Your pick.

So here I am decompressing from a day of school and decided to look through my old cd's and low and behold here is a classic from high school days. Doug Stone. Pause for dramatic effect. Anyway, I just popped in old Dougie and started playing track #3 called, "In A Different Light". Long story short, he is basically saying he is in love with this girl who works in his office, but she is homely and other dude's don't notice her 'cause she wears a bun and glasses. Well, every female cast member on Little House on the Prairie is basically doomed unless Doug Stone comes along and saves the day.

If you picked the two on the right then you win. Ironically if you pull out my high school yearbook this is what the majority of us looked like. Who set this trend? It was a BAD one. Debbie Gibson and Tiffany rocked it with the addition of the black hat. My friend Christie and I bought the black hat and shared it. We took turns wearing it on pep rally days. We were that cool.

I guess I have been a bit nostalgic today. I think it is good to remember. Two years ago I studied the book of Joshua with my senior girls. We talked a lot about stones of remembrance that the Israelites took from the Jordan river as they crossed into the Promised Land. God knows how easily we forget His faithfulness to us, so he challenged the Israelites to build a place of remembrance so they could bring their children and their children's children back and retell the story of what God had done. So I started this tradition of gathering stones and rocks and putting them in a vase periodically to give praise for God's faithfulness in my life and in the lives of those that I love. I shared with my cousin Ami the other day that gratitude and perspective are powerful. Reflecting on God's faithfulness is powerful because it makes me grateful and puts life in perspective. What are your stones of remembrance?

So glad to journey with you.

Beth

Healing Is In Your Hands

2010-09-12T23:24:00.001-04:00

I've been talking to God a lot about healing. After twelve years of sitting across from college women who have wounds that run deep I began to wrestle with what healing looked like. Being in school for counseling and having studied so many disorders and dysfunctions that appear hopeless has challenged me. I guess it boils down to this.....if I do not believe that God can heal us no matter the affliction, addiction, loss, or the affect of someone else's decisions on our life then I think I would just go crawl in a hole somewhere and pray for Jesus to come back now. However I believe He wants his kingdom to break forth here on earth through you and me. I never really understood what "His Kingdom come" meant and was too embarrassed to ask until I heard a message on it a couple of years ago. God desires to make things right is a way to simply state it. So many things are upside-down and I long to have him come set things in place and to allow his kingdom to break through in my own life.

I see Him doing this more and more. God allowed me the privilege of seeing a process of healing this summer when my cousin prayed over someone who had back problems. I saw with my own eyes this friend's leg grow. I do not think I will forget this for as long as I am alive. Jesus used this to awaken something in me that had been dormant. He has offered me an invitation to live with my heart fully alive to him and to continue to allow him to write a better story than I would ever write for myself. Because God has wired me with curiosity and a voracious love for asking questions, I'd love to ask you two.....1. What makes your heart come alive? Be specific. 2. What area of your life do you desire healing in? Do we not pray for healing because we do not want to be disappointed? Feel free to email me as some of your responses might be private. Beth.Wayland@uscm.org Thanks for being on the journey with me.

Beth

P.S. I realize I did not talk about what happens when we feel that God did not heal in the way we had hoped.....I feel another blog coming on about that one.....

A Little Encouragement and Coaching....

2010-07-31T15:11:00.000-04:00

I love the body of Christ. There’s nothing more beautiful and yet painful than living in community. Just ask my past roommates. I made a statement to a friend this past summer as I was living in a 1 bedroom apartment with three other people, “Everything in the world is coming out of me.” Call it sin or maybe it was the fact that we are in our 30’s sleeping in bunk beds, I don’t know. So I have been feeling this post coming on for a couple of years now and was inspired to go ahead and write it, even at the expense of being misunderstood. How should the Church interact with those of us who are unattached (aka: SINGLE)? I realize we could all post something on here about how we could respond to mom’s, married without kid’s, the elderly, divorcee’s, widows, but because I am unattached, I feel a little more qualified to share my angle with the hope that it will be an encouragement.

While I am unattached at the moment (okay, so I looked up “single” in the thesaurus and it is way depressing – words like “solitary, on its own, lone, solo, only” came up), I wanted to document a few common ways of relating that we unattached people have to deal with weekly.

1. When making announcements at church for the big picnic, instead of saying, “Every family bring a dish”, you could rephrase it to, “Everyone come to the picnic and bring your favorite dish.” It really is the small things that we appreciate.

2. There are two churches that I loved, but I did not go back because you are invited to come to the front “as a family” and take communion. Well, let’s be honest, when visiting a church for the first time I felt….let’s see, how do I say this? NAKED. Please don’t get me wrong, this was/is a beautiful thing, just makes it really difficult to know what to do in that moment.

3. If you are curious about someone’s single status just ask them, “Do you want to be married or do you like the single life?” or my personal favorite, “Is it hard to meet men who aren’t socially awkward and don’t wear white socks with black shoes?”

4. Whatever you do, please do not say, “When you stop looking for him, that’s when you will find him.” That doesn’t even make sense. Am I supposed to go blind? Walk around with my head down? Also avoid, “When I finally became content (at the age of 21) that’s when God brought McDreamy into my life.” I love that I just did spell-check on “McDreamy” and the option was “Creamy”.

5. Thank you for praying for us, cheering us on, and empathizing with us that dating is exhausting. Thank you for listening to our same prayer requests for years on end. On a side note, I’d love to write a blog on “unspoken prayer requests”.

6. If you want to set up your single friend, would you please think through their personalities, calling, and interests? Setting us up because I am the one single girl you know and he is the one single guy you know does not a match make. We love that you are even thinking of us, but I have a nightmare story on this one. It involves my mother, large gold chain, Beavis and Butthead, an election year, and an ex-body builder. ‘Nuf said.

7. Thank you for being honest about the struggles in your own life and saying, “Sometimes it would be nice to be single.” It helps all of us with our perspective. The grass is not always greener.

8. When inviting us to your wedding, it is so kind to allow us the courtesy of bringing a date. Not that I would, but just the option shows such empathy and that you value our friendship over your budget. Heck, I’ll give you $27.50 in order to bring someone, or tell him not to eat.

9. After you are married, would you remember what it was like being single and not talk to us as if we are still sitting at the kids table at Thanksgiving?

10. Thank you so much for the times you include us in your family activities and treat us like family. I love the scripture Psalm 68:6, “God sets the lonely in families…”

11. Please keep telling us how great we are and that some guy is an idiot for not snatching us up. 

Hope this is helpful. I really mean it with as much kindness as I can extend through a blog to the 8 people who might read it. Pass it on if you feel like it might help those who really want to encourage those of us walking this road “solo”.

Eclectic

2010-07-29T09:27:00.007-04:00

Well, mission accomplished. When you ask God for good stories, I think He really likes to answer that request. Let me share a few with you. The first being why I went to The Today Show. My grad school had a desire to get the word out about our school, being that we are small and all they do is train therapists. The school, Richmont Graduate University truly is a unique and incredible school where we get to be taught by the best in the field of integration - Phillip Coyle, Gary Moon, Marty Goehring, Jeff Eckert, Larry Crabb, Dr. Tan, Cara Cochran, and the list goes on and on.....Am I proud? Yes. Which is why I wanted to take part in the challenge given to any Richmont student who made a youtube video promoting the school. For every 5,000 hits on the video, Richmont will pay for a class. I need help. As you now, CCC staff members raise their own financial support and currently my support can't sustain grad school bills. So, here's the link on my visit to The Today Show http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fq3PObD6JQQ If I get 70,000 hits, I believe that will pay for my school.

Anyway, as you can see from the following picture, I was interviewed on camera for about 30 seconds and gave a big plug for Richmont. Some kind soul in Chicago had pity on me and donated $10 to my school "for the girl on The Today Show". Hilarious. A great story. By the way, Ann Curry is the nicest lady and very pretty. She told us she had on 12 cans of frosting on her face. Also, Stephanie Abrams is now my hero. She was the weather lady filling in for Al Roker that day. PTL for Stephanie, my new BFF. My dad said he'd be forever grateful for Stephanie Abrams. I'd say that's right. And in case you didn't notice, I'm wearing that ridiculous graduation cap for the whole world to see. It's amazing the levels you will stoop to to get tuition. I mean, every ex-boyfriend, mean girl in middle school, and past student had a good laugh over that one, myself included. Who does that? Well, I do and I did.

Probably the biggest highlight of my summer would be when my cousin Ami and her friend Anda came to visit and to spend some time with my staff mom friends on the project. Somehow Haley and myself wound up working and loving on the mom's this summer which I thought was hilarious and only a God-thing since I am unattached (sounds better than "single") and have no spawn. Just some really great shoes and fun friends. I digress... Anyway, Ami and Anda spent time not just praying for the mama's, but for several of us that are free and unattached. Being around them made me want more of Jesus.

In this picture we are eating Ethiopian food. Imagine if you will, large platters of colorful food that you eat communaly with your hands. A nightmare for some of us and a party for others. It tasted fine, but probably will pick Panera over Ethiopian food most days of the week. However, the goal was to "expand the borders" if you will, of our staff and students in regard to eating food of different cultures. We had Senegalese, Cuban, Ethiopian, and Haitian. The years Chad McGhee and I led the project our cultural food nights were soul food, Italian, Chinese, and Indian. hahaha!!

I shamelessly tried to do everything in my power to meet Tom. Brokaw, that is. I drug Haley with me to the NBC Studio Tour and pestered the tour guide with questions about Tommy B. He had never seen him and tried to talk to me about Brian Williams, but I wasn't having it. Sigh. One day I will interview him. If you watch the youtube video you will see my last ditch effort to connect with the elusive anchor.

Here Haley is reminding me of my need for lipstick before we start the tour and I run into people who will make my dreams come true - aka: Today Show producers who discover my raw and undiscovered anchorwoman talent or the casting director for SNL needing someone to impersonate Eddie Murphy doing Buckwheat. Unce, Tice, Fee tines a mady.

We didn't meet anyone. Maybe I should've stuck with my Berry Berry shade of Clinique instead of MAC. Next time.

So all of this brings me back to Knoxville with a desire to be part of a greater story than the one I was living. People can have all sorts of opinions on Donald Miller, but he wrote an incredible book called, "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" that is a great read. It's all about our story being God's story......Anyway, that's a little fun roundup of some things that happened this summer. Maybe one day soon I'll write a more serious blog, but those aren't as fun to read, are they? Okay, off to click on youtube 66,000 more times.

Bdubs

Haley

2010-07-20T22:31:00.002-04:00

I can't believe it's my last night in NYC. The past 7 weeks have flown by and I head home tomorrow. Right now I should be cleaning our nasty apartment and packing, but I am a bit sad as I think about another transition.

Seven years ago I met Haley. Haley was assigned to UT as one of our new staff members. Fresh out of college, Haley was eager to get started in campus ministry and to invest in the lives of other women. I was her "boss", so to speak. We went through lots of adjustment with her being new staff and desiring to be a peer, and I being 6 years older and her mentor led to some challening and yet stretching (in a good way) dynamics, conflict, and growth.

In 2006 I began to see that Haley needed to be in leadership position and so we began talking about what that could look like. It was during this time that Haley's family died tragically in a plane crash and honestly, there are no words to describe what that journey has been like with her and just too sacred to write about in a blog. I started a book on it awhile back and maybe one day I will share it, but I see I have digressed...

Tonight marks a big transition in my sister/friend's life. This was her last summer project, and God was sweet to put us together for this oh so redemptive summer. She will be going to seminary in the fall, which I couldn't be more thrilled about, but selfishly I am going to miss her terribly. God has been so kind to give us a lighthearted and hilarious summer after some hard seasons in our frienship. We have laughed so hard. Gone to the curly girls salon, which has changed our life....well okay, not our life, but for sure our hair. We've seen NKOTB. Haley helped organize the Today Show deal this morning and she doesn't like to get up before 10AM. Here is where she would insert, "Beth, people will think I am lazy." She is not. The girl just likes her sleep and this is a perk of singleness and being childless. We've walked through Central Park, interceded for one another, gone to Macy's 20x's, ventured to Soho time and again in hopes of finding the perfect restaurant only to be bummed out, we've walked the Brooklyn Bridge, dodged bicylists, gotten sketchy massages by old Korean women (more details in person), gotten lost in Queens, drooled over the same waiter who was a Versace model, had conflict-resolution at the Rascal Flatts concert on the Today Show, loved on the Mama's even though we are 2 single women, had a bathtub that was like a wave pool with brown water, fussed over her 1950's alarm clock, watched in shock as 200 naked bikers rode down the street, put on the lb's with NYC's food and vowed together that our diet starts tomorrow.....oh the list goes on.

Dearest friend, this blog doesn't even begin to describe our journey of friendship. I will miss you so much as I miss my sidekick at the MTL conference. Who am I going to text my commentary to? I will miss you at Regional Staff Conference laughing the loudest at my attempts to be funny emceeing because you are my biggest cheerleader. I will miss that like me, you didn't bring a snack either. I will miss you at CSU as it can be the loneliest place on the planet.

Even though I am sad that this season of life is changing for you, I am equally as excited and anticipatory for "what's next". And just betwee you and me, I believe wholeheartedly it will involve laughter and a lion.

I love you friend of my heart.

Bdubs

NKOTB!!

2010-06-20T17:38:00.002-04:00

One of my favorite things about my job is summer project. The last week and a half the staff have been preparing for the students' arrival and have had some fun along the way. The Today Show, NKOTB, a Patty Griffin & Buddy Miller concert, Tim Keller preaching at Redeemer, bonding with the team in Little Italy, meeting our students on Tuesday and praying for a great summer.

Tomorrow will be our first day out on the campuses around the city. We would be so grateful for your prayers as we talk with students about where they are on their spiritual journey. Thanks so much!!

Beth

Start Spreadin' the News....I'm leaving Tuesday....

2010-06-02T07:44:00.014-04:00

I'm leaving on Tuesday to spend my 3rd summer in the greatest city on Earth.....New York. The joys of working with a campus ministry comes in many forms, one being how I get to spend my summers. I've been to Russia, Santa Cruz, CA, Gatlinburg, Daytona, Orlando, Ft. Collins, Colorado, Clearhotter, FL, and now....NYC. There are 104 campuses in the NYC area and so few of them have any kind of Christian presence. So, a team of college students and staff will try to help the NYC staff team launch new ministries on some of the key campuses. We would covet your prayers.

So, here are a few reasons why I love NYC and why you should visit this glorious city. A NYC staff member, Ross, made a statement about why come to the city (Ross, I'm paraphrasing), "For all of you who want to get away in nature just to be with God, come to the city. God made people and that is His greatest creation, so come to the city." Yes, please. I think I will. So without further delay, here is my fave things list in photo and brilliant commentary on NYC.

1. No lhama's. NYC is lhama-free the last time I checked. However, I would not be surprised for someone to tell me that they saw a lhama walking to Macy's to check out the new fur coat collection. NYC has it all and they discriminate against no one, unless you are from Boston.
2. The skyline.
Seriously people, do I need to say more? Probably the most recognized skyline in the world.

3. The man. The journalist. The best. Tommy B. NYC boasts this famous resident and my goal this summer is to meet and interview him. We'll keep ya posted on this one. However you might find me with a sign outside of the Today show studios every Friday morning this summer with the concert series. I will say in a non-creepy-ish way to Matt Lauer my desire to meet Tommy B. and can he make that happen. I will then slip a crisp $5 into his hand (he needs the money) to make it happen

4. Um, yes this is my address.

5. Only in NYC can you make BFF's on the subway ride home from Flushing. I was trying to talk to him about llhama's and Tommy B. and he was overcome with emotion that he fell asleep.

6. Only in NYC can a 5'5" (never know where to put the " and ' and I'm in grad school) red-head do a photoshoot on a ferry for America's Next Top Southern Model. IT didn't go quite as planned since my hair kept getting stuck in my lip gloss.

7. When you arrive in the city, these people line the sidewalks and cheer for you. Kinda like the great cloud of witnesses that have gone on before you.

8. Only in Washington Square Park (by NYC) can you share Christ with a man who has a hand puppet. We didn't know whether to talk to the man or the puppet.

9. City College. I loved working on this campus. Isn't it beautiful?

10. My best friend Lindsey Lohan visits the city. She has a new collection of ankle bracelets out that I'm hoping to talk with her about.

Just think, another adventure starts on Tuesday. On a serious note, God has brought the world to our door in NYC. It is always difficult for me to come home to Tennessee at the end of the summer. When I think about standing before Jesus in Heaven, I think about all the cultures of the world standing there with me, praising Him in every tongue. So, here's to you, Jesus. Thanks in advance for writing another great chapter in my life this summer. You know that I love a good story and could never be okay with normal.

Legacy

2010-05-21T11:48:00.003-04:00

My feisty 85-year old Mamaw passed away on Saturday, May 15th. She would've turned 86 on Saturday (22nd). She was my last living grandparent. One of the main reasons I moved to Knoxville in 2002 was to be near Mamaw and Papaw. Papaw passed away 2 1/2 years ago and we had to move Mamaw to Kingsport so my Dad, stepmother, and sister could care for her. She had alzheimers, otherwise known as, "The Long Goodbye" disease.

Not many people have the joy of having their grandparents in their lives until the age of 35 and 37 like my sister, Maria and I have had. Mamaw and Papaw weren't just the grandparents we saw on Christmas and once during the summer, but the grandparents who were actively involved in our lives.

They, along with my dad and stepmother would take us (along with our cousin Natalie) to Florida, Disneyworld, Myrtle Beach, Opryland, and a lot of other places, but the place I cherished most was their home in north Knoxville. There's just something magical about grandparents homes.

My Mamaw and Papaw Payne's (mom's parents) home also had this effect on me. Sunrooms, great big closets, claw foot tubs, sunny, yellow kitchen where Mamaw let us drink out of the dipper, keyholes to peep through on the door that went down to the basement, and a Mamaw that would let us ring the big bell to wake everyone up for breakfast.

Maria told me about a song recently called, "The House That Built Me" by Miranda Lambert. We cannot listen to this song without crying because it reminds us of our grandparents and the impact the four of them have had on our lives.

We would go to Knoxville just about every other weekend of my childhood. There were some things we'd know for sure. Mamaw would have a red velvet cake in which my sister and I would fight over the corner pieces. She would also make us homemade biscuits and gravy for breakfast. Daddy and Papaw would go to the football games and Mamaw either took us to the mall or she would be stuck with us watching the same movies over and over - Swiss Family Robinson, Annie, Jaws, and Pete's Dragon. A fave memory was of her taking us to see, "Return of the Jedi" in which she fell asleep. She loved us with her baking and with her time.

Mamaw cleaned our ears rather painfully, and brushed our hair rather painfully, but she loved us well. My sister and Mamaw are so much alike it is uncanny, while I am more like my Papaw. I loved their imprint on our lives. As I was listening to the preacher at Papaw's funeral, and again at Mamaw's on Monday, I was overwhelmed with the weight of continuing a spiritual and Godly legacy. Harold and Mary (don't you love their names?) were married for 63 years and were the epitome of consistent. Often I would get up in the morning and see Papaw at the table pouring over the Bible and his sunday school lessons. Mamaw served in the nursery for 50 years. I thought to myself, "I make this too complicated." I worry about "calling" and doing great things for Jesus, but in reality, I just desire to walk with Him daily.

My friend Darren uses a phrase over and over, "simplicity and purity of devotion". I love this. I believe this is how my grandparents walked with Jesus....with simplicity and purity of devotion.

Thanks for remembering and honoring Harold, Mary, Bill and Millie by reading this blog today. I'd love to hear about your grandparents home or your favorite memory with your grandparents.

Love,
Beth

Spring has SPRUNG!

2010-04-20T22:54:00.001-04:00

One should never blog when they are tired and just finished watching Glee. I love Glee. I sometimes like to pretend that I am Rachel and back in high school. There are a few differences though. I cannot sing well AND I have been out of high school for a LONG time AND I have no desire to relive high school. Some people are still stuck in their glory days of high school. I am also pretty sure that Rachel would not wear Ann Taylor Loft clothes or Target jewelry, but I do think she would love my new shoes.

OH what a month it has been. In just a month's time I won the lottery, hiked Mt. Everest, recorded a duet with Celine, taught a conference with Beth Moore, filmed a movie, ran a marathon, found a cure for cancer, and in my spare time single-handedly ended poverty, abuse, and oppression. What have you done?

Before I went on medical leave in February, I somehow thought I was needed. Important. I don't think I consciously thought that, but it's amazing what can surface when you take a step back from life as you have known it for the past five years. Being busy, doing the right things and things you love can sometimes keep you from understanding and receiving His love for us. At least that's my story. Jesus has/is been/being so kind to me as he gently presses his finger on some areas of my life as if he is saying, "Beth, let's do life differently. Let me teach you to live simply, freely, and out of being rooted in Me, not out of expectation, chaos, busyness, good things that demand your time, and ministry."

As The Message states in Matthew 11 28-30"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

Now that I've taken a step back I am terrified to re-enter life as I used to know it, because reality is that I don't want to. Not one ounce of me wants to go back to having no time for my family, being exhausted, sounding like a broken record because all I say is, "I'm tired.", putting ministry first, saying "yes" to a lot of good things, but not what is best. Why is it so difficult to just BE for a time? It is so counter-cultural. Everything in me says, "It is better to be doing than to just BE before the Lord."

My friend Philip introduced me to this great book called, "A TESTAMENT OF DEVOTION" by Thomas Kelly. Kelly gives language to what I am still trying to solidify. Here he says, "This amazing simplification comes when we 'center down' when life is lived with singleness of eye, from a holy Center where the breath and stillness of Eternity are heavy upon us and we are wholly yielded to Him. Some of you know this holy, recreating Center of eternal peace and joy and live in it day and night. Some of you may see it over the margin and wistfully long to slip into that amazing Center where the soul is at home with God. Be very faithful to that wistful longing. It is the Eternal Goodness calling you to return Home, to feed upon green pastures and walk beside still waters and live in the peace of the Shepherd's presence. It is the life beyond fevered strain."

Desiring to walk beyond fevered strain,
Beth

A New Day....(thank you, Celine)

2010-03-22T22:50:00.000-04:00

So reality finally hit me tonight that I am no longer the director at UT. God has been leading me elsewhere for awhile now and it is time to pass the baton to the new director. Someone I know and trust...someone who loves and will love UT as much as I do. Tonight I wanted to reflect on my 8 years here since I'm feeling quite pensive and reflective.

Year 1 - 2002/2003
Started the year with Hank, Eric, and Darren. Matt and Jill came a little later. We were a new team and bonded instantly. I loved being under Hank's leadership and then leading with him. The students didn't quite know what to think of us, but they were hilarious and the "hippest" I had been around. My first bible study had 15 women and they were quite a mixed bunch that didn't quite know what to do with me....especially when I made them play an embarrassing game for our first bible study time. That year I bonded with Heather Depriest, Becca Umstot, Erica Butler, Sarah West, Sara Scribner, Lane Faulkner, Katie Harvey (remember Kenny Chesney?), Laura Winn, Bekah Emerling, Kristina Weber, Nancy Simmons, Crystal Shields, Brad Crawford. I met the fab Tiffany Hughes and Valerie Wilkins this year as well. This was also the year Lacy came to Christ at campus time of Winter Conference.

Year 2 2003/2004
This was my toughest year on staff. We had a challenging year with students really challenging decisions and the character of our team. I loved leading with Hank. I wanted to peace out, but I didn't. I grew closer to Scribby, Becca, and Sarah and started a freshmen group with Holly Dagnan, Kristen and Stephanie Arms, Leah Jones, Brittney Kidd, Amanda Sharpe, and Brad Crawford. A girl named Sarah came to Christ after bringing her family to an outreach where they received Christ.

Haley joined our team and added another girl. This is when the alliance started of Eric, Darren, Haley, and myself. We started watching Survivor after every CRU - a tradition that continued until the mass Exodus in 2007/2008. This is also the year that Eric dressed up like Chad McGhee and Darren like Kenny Chesney for my birthday. That medium gray tshirt Eric wore will never be the same.

Year 3 2004/2005
This was a fun year....still leading with Hank. Lauren Bradshaw, Reece, Meg, Julie, Shelley Long , Erin, Alisha, joined the mix. This is when th e girls would go to my house while I was out-of-town (every girl had a key to my house) and take pictures of themselves in that old nasty wedding dress I had from my broken engagement. They were hilarious. Also had to have numerous talks with Bradshaw over her wanting to drop hints to Jared to propose. Love you friend!! Hung out some with Anna Dukes and Jenny Wallace. Dara Lynn joined the team at the end of this year and was so much fun. It's late and I'm writing for memory, so forgive me if I leave your name out. This might've been when Brad and I fished out a toilet seat wheelchair from the Kroger dumpster (on Broadway) and put it on Darren's car. OH, Brad Crawford.

Year 4 2005/2006
I got mono. Fell in love with NYC. Still leading with Hank. Added a few fun ones to the mix. Leellen, Laura, Mariruth, Meghan. Tiffany interned!! Brad Crawford.

Year 5 2006/2007
Haley's family passed away and I inherited her women for a season.....25 girls in bible study. Tough, tough year. Lots of traveling with Haley as she dealt with grief, estate stuff, and family visits. Crawled through this year. Sweet Reece interned and was a trooper. I was leading with Hank and he carried the weight of the ministry pretty much by himself as I was walking with Haley through this season.

Year 6 2007/2008
I've loved all my bible studies, but this group was unique from the start for me. I've never had a bible study that BECAME as transparent and honest as this one. Rachel, Laura, Lauren, Rachel, Sara, Caroline, JEssica, Frankie, Kayla, Becca, Amy, Michelle, Carrie, Ashley, Leigh. http://www.overbayphotography.net/Slideshows/BethsBibleStudy/
I prayed from day one that I set foot on campus that UT would become a sending campus for women. In my 8 years I have seen that happen. 5 of these women are with CCC now, but almost all of the women I've had the blessed opportunity to know are walking with Jesus and impacting their families, coworkers, children, etc.

Year 7 2008/2009
Alot like year 6 except I began leading with Britton. Britton brough so much organization and took the weight of administration off my shoulders and brought creativity to CRU. He challenged me to walk by faith. This was also the year of saying "bye" to these dear women and to Eden. Lindsey joined our team this year and brought so much life to our team and became such a friend to me.

Year 8 2009/2010
Still writing this story, but transitioning out of my role and full-time assignment here. Have been so weepy tonight as I think about God's faithfulness and my love for UT. This blog is for me....a chance to reflect and think about how many people have come and gone and are walking with Him. Thank you for trusting me, sharing your life, and for making me love Jesus more. My time at UT wouldn't be complete without each one of you.

Rocky Top, you'll always be home sweet home to me.

Just Say "NO" to Catfish and Cookies

2010-02-24T19:57:00.000-05:00

Well, take a look at little Timmy here. Things could be a lot worse. Okay, so here's my update. For my dear supporters, you should be receiving my newsletter in a day or two. If you are one of my precious women at UT, this will explain a little more about my transition and why you haven't seen me as much the past month.

Hoping For A Season of Change, Restoration, and Healing

There have been a lot of changes taking place in my life and it wasn’t until a few days ago that they were somewhat solidified, at least for the next couple of months.

In an effort to not bore you with long, drawn out details of my health, I will try to share briefly, and if you would like to know more then I would be glad to share. For about four years I have wrestled with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, but recently I had more blood work done that showed 6 other things that need to be addressed and the issues are serious enough that they are warranting at least a two month medical leave of absence. What this means is that I will still be going to grad school and working on campus part-time. I just need time to get well, make some lifestyle changes, see doctors, and heal.

Prior to the health alert, I had decided it was time for me to step down as the director at UT. I felt, and still feel, that God is leading me to narrow my focus on shepherding and caring for people in the ministry of Campus Crusade. While I will still shepherd, equip, and train our staff here at UT to go after the 35,000 students, faculty, and staff, I will also be traveling more to other campuses to help them do the same thing.

To be completely transparent, while I am grateful to finally know what is going on health wise, I am completely overwhelmed and somewhat blue at different times during the day. I have loved being the director at UT for the past 8 years, and to let that go is an act of obedience to the Lord leading me in another direction, but it is hard. I know this blog is about as uplifting as a root canal, but at least I'm not as depressed as little Timmy in the picture.

On a funny and irritable note, I received my treatment plan today from the doctor who is working with me. Due to there being so many issues to address, part of the plan includes a drastic change in diet and I mean DRASTIC. If you know me I am a major BAKER. I love it. NEVER HAVE I EVER CRAVED A CARROT STICK. Apparently my new venacular will include, "Man, I sure am craving a salt-free rice cake with butter."

I seriously have the best friends in the world. I know that's cliche', but it's cliche' for a reason. Anyway, Haley immediately makes me an excel spreadsheet to help me with this new plan. My mom and cousin hop on board this bandwagon too. My sisters cheer for me while I gripe and my stepmother (and wonderful friend) thinks it sounds wonderful, but she's also skinny and healthy. My sweet Daddy empathizes with the loss of chocolate. Chocolate and I are having a funeral and I will be receiving friends all day, every day for the next three months.

Thanks for humoring my grouchiness and griping. I am only allowing myself to do this for tonight and tonight only. Please hear me when I say that all of this is such a small thing compared to what some are walking through. I realize that, which is why I have been hesitant to share my own stuff, but some have noticed my absence and I wanted to explain why.

One thing I keep coming back to is out of Brennan Manning's new book, "The Furious Longing of God" where he challenged someone to go before the Father every day and say, "Abba, I belong to You."

Walking By Faith,

Beth

Oh, Canada.

2010-02-12T23:53:00.000-05:00

Dear Canada,

I think you are a lovely country, however I have a few bones to pick with you.
No offense, my dad took me to an Anne Murray concert in 3rd grade and I like her rendition of the Tennessee Waltz just as much as the next redneck, but where is Celine Dion
in these Olympic opening ceremonies?

I keep waiting with anticipation for my musical hero to arrive and time and again I am greeted with a bucket of cold water on my face (aka: KD Lang). Someone give me the Canadian DIVA and a hearty, "Power of Love" as Celine runs into the stadium in her stilettos with the torch?

OH CANADA!!! How could you not esteem the greatest assett in your country next to Alex Trebek and Michael J. Fox???????????????

An Angry American,
Beth

Time In Between

2010-01-27T14:35:00.001-05:00

My friend Kristen texted me the title of this song and I wanted to share it with you. You can download it on itunes.

TIME IN BETWEEN
You were there when your Father said
Let there be lightYou obeyed when He whispered
Son, You have to leave tonight
To spend nine months in a mothers womb
Three days in a borrowed tomb

(Chorus One)But it’s the time in between
That brings me to my knees
Knowing you came for me
And all that I can't beI'm amazed, so amazed
And I thank You for the time in between

Don't take much for this crazy world
To rob me of my peace
And the enemy of my soul
Says You’re holding out on me
So I stand here lifting empty hands
For you to fill me up again

(Chorus Two)But it’s the time in between
That I fall down to my knees
Waiting on what You'll bring
And the things that I can't see
I know my song’s incomplete
Still I'll sing in the time in between
So many ways Your love has saved the day
And I'm grateful for them all

(Chorus 3)But it’s the time in between
The middle of two thieves
That says everything
It’s the reason I believeI'm amazed, so amazed
And I thank you for the time in between
Oh Lord, I thank you for the time in between

By: Francesca Battistelli

Parody or Parallel?

2010-01-20T14:55:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I'm seeing a trend in my life. About 6 years ago I was sick one weekend and started watching the tv show, "Alias" on dvd. It wasn't long after that I found myself on the internet wondering how someone could work for the CIA.

5 years ago I was sick once again and my friend Amanda rented me a season of "Gilmore Girls" in which I proceeded to watch every season. It wasn't long after that I found myself on the internet applying to culinary school in New England.

2 weeks ago I was iced in and started watching, "Glee" on hulu.com. I keep listening to the soundtrack and thinking, "I could lead a show choir! I'm dramatic and Broadway musicals make me cry (in a good way) unless it's, "Fiddler on the Roof" which is in turn traumatizing."

Anyway, there's something about these shows that make me want to live a fuller life with adventure and story. A story worth watching in a movie theater. This is the premise of a great book I just read by Donald Miller called, "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years". God is writing our story, but are we allowing Him to live in us to the fullest to where we live with courage and faith? Even in the mundane things in life, do I ask myself in those moments, "Could I respond differently here or to this person or that situation to make it a better story?" Maybe it's speaking words of life into another person instead of just thinking the words. Maybe it means biking across the country in order to raise awareness about something God has given you a burden for.....I don't know, but what I do know is that God is saying to me, "Beth, I want you to have courage to live a better story." We'll see where this ride takes me....I hope I bump in to many of you along the way.

Beth

Don't Judge Me....:)

2010-01-04T22:02:00.000-05:00

It happened again. Every year I vow that I will not get sucked in to watching, "The Bachelor", but it's like a train wreck that you can't take your eyes off of. It's a laboratory for human behavior. Who came up with the idea? You take 25 women and you put them in the absolute worst environment emotionally possible and you sit back with your popcorn and with a pillow closeby just to cover your head because you are so embarrassed for these women. It doesn't help that the token "nutcase" of the season is from my hometown. Oh dear. At least I might have one client when I graduate with my masters in counseling.

So I was thinking. What would it be like to be a Christian and be a contestant on this show? 1. It would never happen, and 2. I'm too prideful. HOWEVER, let's just imagine what it could be like if the contestants were my friends. I imagine it would play out like this.....

My bubbly friend Loveday is the outgoing one. She would hop out of the limo and snag him with a witty comment and a gift to remember her by. Perhaps a little song and dance?

Haley would have her Diet Sundrop in hand and be the cool, laid back friend who took it all in and yet would be picked due to the "mystery".

My friend Beth would play it cool because she is cool, but inside her head would be figuring out his Myers Brigg personality type.

Kristen would be on the show just to commentate on all the dynamics in the room.

Sally (even though now married) would crawl under a table because she was so uncomfortable with how the girls were making fools of themselves.

My little sister would find out if he was financially responsible and if he had any issues.

I would trip.

Here's to another season of train wrecks.

Beth

P.S. I do think I could snag the first impresson rose, though.

Dancing gone awry.....

2009-11-23T13:47:00.000-05:00

So every year the Midsouth region has a staff conference for all the CCC staff in KY, TN, NC and SC. My friend Eric and I have emceed the conference for the past three years and each year we try and think of a creative way to begin our time. We decided (I admit that I pushed pretty hard for this one) to reinact the wedding dance entrance that's on you tube and spoofed on, "The Office". I added the link for those who don't know what I'm talking about.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0

Anyway, everything is starting off great until it is time for Eric and I to enter. Well, Big Er danced down the aisle just fine and then I entered and felt someone kick me as hard as they possibly could in my calf. I was in excruciating pain and immediately went back to my theater background (haha) and started acting like I couldn't dance and thus drug my leg up the aisle.
I'm not sure how I made it through that meeting. Pure adrenaline, perhaps????

Long story short, an Orthopaedic doctor in Asheville took 2 MRI's and said that my muscles were torn and they needed the 2nd MRI to see how far down the tears went and if it effected the Achilles tendon. He said surgery was pretty much going to be my option, but to see the doctor back in Knoxville. Well, I just got home from my doctor here in Knoxville (Can I give a shout out to Dr. Mathien?) who looked at my MRI's (I hand delivered the same ones given to me by the Asheville doctor) and he said there were no tears, only a severe sprain and that I would just need therapy. I think Jesus changed the MRI images and I am so grateful

Thanks to my Midsouth family for your funny comments (particulary the one about Chris Brown, "Darn you, Chris Brown! First Rhianna and now Beth!" - Erin Coltrane Smith. My 2nd fave comment was from Cara Chute who said what everyone else was thinking (including myself), "Gosh, aren't you embarrassed?" Yes, Cara. Thank you. haha!! At least it makes a good story and the most awkward workmans comp. request.

On a more serious note, I would appreciate your prayers for quick healing and that I can be off crutches soon. I have end-of-year planning and exams. Thanks you all!! What's your most embarrassing moment?

Fall! Fall! Fall!

2009-10-25T19:42:00.000-04:00

I have a love affair with fall. I love everything about it. Football, pumpkins, the colors, being outside, conferences with friends, fun staff team socials, bonfires, etc. I had a bunch of girls over not long ago and one said, "Beth, it looks like fall threw up in your house." Well, it's true.
Anyway, I just wanted to share a few pics taken over the past month of some of my highlights of the fall.

This picture of Brooks (on my staff team) makes me laugh.
We were on a conference call when I snapped this.
I loved having the student women over to my house!

My childhood "Be Frie" Anne and I rarely get time together

these days, but we had a good laugh/cry fest for

a few hours at Calhouns!

Part of our staff team went to Gburg for a fun
social riding go-carts & eating at the Apple Barn.

My dear sister/friend Haley and I went to a UT
game when she was in town visiting.

I would love to hear what you enjoy about fall!!!

Beth

Allergies

2009-09-13T12:19:00.000-04:00

My head is the size of a large pumpkin. Maybe I'm allergic to pumpkin and that's my problem. Okay, so I've lived in East Tennessee most of my life, but I've never experienced allergies like I have this week. Today I left the house in my pajamas on a quest to find relief. Church or liquor? I'm kidding. Anyway, I trudged into CVS hair uncombed, glasses, etc. Small children ran from me and adults parted the waters as I walked down the allergy aisle.

$10 of saline solution later I stumbled back into my home. Tissue abounds. Claritin, Benadryl, Honey have all made special guest appearances to no avail. Now I am climbing down to the bottom of the socially desperate rung on the ladder and blogging for sympathy and advice. I hope allergy season is over soon.

Beth

Going to the Chapel!

2009-08-31T15:35:00.001-04:00

"Why aren't you married?" Ahhh........every single womans favorite question. I, along with fellow yet-to-be-attached friends, have spent countless hours dodging this question at family functions, church, high school reunions and even from 90 year old men walking the mall. Praise Jesus that this weekend I will celebrate the death of that sentence for 2 of my dearest friends as they say their, "I Do's".

Lisa, we have been through 15 years of life together. From roommates my sophomore and your junior year, cheesy answering machine messages for Christmas (remember, "Let It Beep"?), flannel shirts, white dress shoes, Lisa night, Chad Shirley, "others", Chuck for Pres, that creep who cheated on your who is a pastor now, homecoming court shopping, Ross & Rachel, Rachel & Ross, ER, elves, fudge rounds & leg lifts. Girl.......the list goes on. I can't wait to celebrate with you this week. Thanks for asking me to stand beside you. Kerry I'm sure knows what a prize he has in you.

This is a picture from my junior year spring break trip to Boston. Nicole, Lisa, me, VanCamp. Such a fun trip.

My 2nd dear friend getting married is Amanda. Sadly, I can't be in 2 places at once this weekend and my heart is so sad and heavy, but we will celebrate in person soon and watch the DVD over and over, hearing every detail. Amanda, I couldn't be happier that Dan snagged you up. He knows what a prize you are and will treat you as such. YOU have been the dearest friend at pursuing me, my travel buddy, constant encourager, you seriously have a remedy for everything, the friend who gets on a plane when I am in a pit and just sits with me, the only friend who remembered the date of my broken engagement and sent me a card. You are also the only one I know who loves Charleston as much as I do. Friend, know that I am celebrating YOU this week as well. Know how dear you are and how grateful I am for God bringing Dan to you.

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. WAHHHHHHHHHHHH Whhhaaaaa (in the voice of Charlie Brown's teacher).

Off to polish my shoes for 17th time as a bridesmaid. I'm a pro. AND I love it.
Beth

Wonder Woman

2009-08-24T21:49:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow is my first day of school in quite a few years. I'm starting grad school to get my MA in Professional Counseling. As my Uncle Sonny says, "Why do you need to go to school to be a counselor? I can tell you what to do and it's quick and free. Admit it and quit it." Hilarious.

Anyway, I've been blown away by how affirming the response has been from those closest to me. As you'll see below, my friend and fellow co-director, Britton gave me a lunch box with Wonder Woman on the front with the logo, "Strength & Beauty" on the side. I LOVE THIS LUNCHBOX and I am actually going to take it with me. I'm not scared. Thanks, Britton.

On a side note, I wonder if I should dress up as Wonder Woman for my first day? Honestly, sometimes I live life as if I should be this superhero....granted I don't run around in an 80's unitard with red boots (well, maybe I did with my childhood be frie Anne when we were choreographing dance moves in 5th grade), but internally I feel as if I should do everything well, lest I disappoint. Today I read in a devotional with my staff team the following, "We were created to be dependent. Dependency is not therefore a sign of weakness. Rather it is a universal indicator of our humanity." In Scripture we read about what happens when we live as if we are the independent superhero in this grand drama of life; and I see it lived out in my own.

We were created to be dependent on so many things for physical life - food, water, sleep, etc. Things we must get...can't live independetly apart from or we die. The same is true with our relationship with our Creator. If I live independently from Him then I begin to wither up and die as well. Apart from Him I can do nothing. At least nothing that is worth anything and all it does is leave me depleted and stir up a neediness of other things and people. Don't get me wrong, we need other people in our lives, but not in a way that is demanding and to alleviate emotional insecurity.

Man, I really wanted to get on here and be funny tonight. Oh well. Try me tomorrow after I get out of my Ethics class. I"m sure I'll have some good material then. Feel free to keep asking me over the next few years of my journey through school if I am keeping Christ and His Word at the center of all I'm learning. He is my filter and my grid.

Love to you all! Thanks for your encouragement and prayers.

Beth

Bdubs

Bait

Dinner with "The Man"....Larry.

2009-08-15T08:51:00.000-04:00

I went to Asheville last night to have dinner with a hero of mine....Larry Crabb. What a gift it was to sit down and have conversation with he and his lovely wife Rachel. If you know me at all then you know of my great affection for Larry and his books. God has used this man signficantly in my life.

After my broken engagement, THE BEST DISCIPLER EVER, Debbie Cox gave me my 1st Larry Crabb book called, "Finding God". The main thing I walked away from after reading that book was that I cannot avoid pain, but I have to walk through it and allow God to change me in the midst of pain.

The 2nd Larry book I read was, "Connecting". I was new staff with CRU and desperately wanted to have real relationships. This led me to "Shattered Dreams" which is my all time fave book. The basic premise is that sometimes God allows our dreams to be shattered in order to find out what our real dreams are, which is ultimately and whole-heartedly CHRIST. So when I had the chance (2 years ago) to go to his 7 day School of Spiritual Direction I was so excited. Check it out at http://www.newwayministrires.org/ Once again, that week has turned out to be pivotal in my walk with Jesus.

I could go on and on about how God has used this man in my life, but you all will grow nauseous and say, "We get it! Enough already." Anyway, I love how God uses different people in our life to speak vision, words of life, truth, and encouragement. Who is that for you?

Thanks for letting me share!

Beth

What's in a cliche'?

2009-08-11T17:18:00.000-04:00

Be forewarned. One probably shouldn't blog when they haven't slept in 6 days. Please don't stop supporting me because I've had a bad day. I'm a cynic for a bit.

cli⋅ché

1.a trite, stereotyped expression; a sentence or phrase, usually expressing a popular or common thought or idea, that has lost originality, ingenuity, and impact by long overuse.

Once upon a time there was a girl who got dumped. Okay, so this is the story of a 1,000,000 women. I remember the first time a cliche' really touched my life. I believe it was in middle school and I was in youth group watching a Dallas Holm or Wayne Watson (can I get a shout out for Dallas or Wayne?) video about, "When God Closes a Door, He'll Open a Window". I was moved to tears and thought, "How true." So today I was wondering, "How did I get so cynical over cliche's that I too once tossed around like a ball at Wimbledon?"

My new definition of cliche is "what people say when they have no idea what to say". Okay, so I'd love to hear from you about your opinions on "cliche's" and perhaps what are some of your favorites. You can add them to my list.

"Let Go. Let God." (Sure. And?)
"They're in a better place." (my unsaid response, "Yes, but i want them here.")
"You aren't married because you don't put yourself out there." (Where is "out there"? Is it Wal-Mart? SuperTarget? Egypt? Even that little mouse sang a song about it and he doesn't know where "out there" is either, only that it's narrowed down to "underneath the same big sky")
"Time heals all wounds." (While this is true in certain circumstances, I just don't like it. I'm cranky.)

All right. All right. I'll go take a nap and get a little more spirit-filled and then write a nice blog.

Beth

Dog or Human?

2009-08-06T11:40:00.000-04:00

Well, I've never been compared to a dog before.........until today. As I walked incognito into my 1st Weight Watchers meeting (sunglasses, large hat, trench coat, binoculars), I carefully selected a discreet seat in the back row. At exactly 9:30AM I am scared into reality as "Peppy" comes singing and dancing down the aisle. I look around me to watch the reactions of the other people in the room who were unphased. I pull out my cell phone and text my mom, sisters and Haley to let them know that I feel like I am in AA and should stand up and say, "I am Beth and I am fat." But I was too prideful and don't feel like I'm "fat", just big boned.

So "Peppy" does some toe touches and leaps and asks for feedback from the audience. This is when "Mary" decides to share about how she feels that dogs know the secret to stablizing their weight. Eat the same thing everyday. She said that we too should be dogs. Hmm. I think the above picture kinda throws Mary's theory out of commission.

I will admit that when "Peppy" started handing out stickers for those who had reached a weight goal that week, I found myself back in kindergarten and desperately wanting a sticker. I even teared up. For real. So, this is my vulnerable attempt at trying to reach for my first sticker. Tell the whole world wide web you are going to Weight Watchers and there's some automatic accountability and increased scrutiny on the size of my chins.

So, this leads me to my grocery store trip. Is anyone else disturbed over the fact that we eat food that doesn't go bad for TWO YEARS??????????????? HELLO!!!! It's mildly disturbing. I'm saying this aloud as I load my buggy down with every version of preservative-packed chocolate weight-loss snack known to the free world. It's a start.

After the grocery store trip I need some more motivation so I head over to ATL (Ann Taylor Loft), my fave store. They are having a MEGA sale in which I will receive 45% off my purchase. Thank you, Sally. (Why does a missionary who raises her own support feel the need to broadcast to everyone that I will purchase clothes on sale?) Anyway, I put on hold pants that are a size or two smaller than where I am now as more motivation. I promise I will do a fashion show starting mid-October with my new jeans. I know you all will be waiting with baited breath.

Okay, I'm sure I will wake up tomorrow completely mortified at the fact that I was this vulnerable about what most women hate the most: weight. However, it's kinda nice too. Maybe it's the hunger getting to my brain. I don't know. I have issues, don't I? OH well. I'm off to try my new snack.

Bdubs

SEE. YES. YOU. (CSU)

2009-07-20T08:59:00.000-04:00

Okay, so it's that time again. Every other summer I get to go to Colorado for Campus Crusade's National Staff Conference. Imagine 6,000 of your closest friends converging on the campus of Colorado State University. CSU (as it is affectionately called) is a mixed bag of emotions. The conference is an introverts nightmare and sometimes utopia for us extroverts. If you were a people watcher this would be idyllic for you. Please know that CSU is a time that we hear from our amazing leaders as they cast vision, pray for us, and try and bring some refreshment to a group of people who are often weary. I'm grateful for our leaders. However, would you allow me to poke some fun at myself and the singles scene you see at CSU?

Weeks ahead of time many women start planning their outfits. We were once told by an older staff guy that conference outfits are crucial. I hope my $5 flip flops and sequined Michael Jackson glove fit the bill. A certain friend of mine packed 20 outfits for 9 days. Several women have fashion shows in our rooms before each session. Accessories? Check. Perfume strength? Check. Any visible lines? Check. We as women must always be prepared and we always must have each others back. There will be no anomalies on any of my friends!!! Thank you boy scouts.

Another reason you would be fascinated by watching singles at this conference is the fact that the guy-girl ratio is about 1:400. We've got women dropping hankies left and right and guys either oblivious or picking the hankie right up or staring at the hankie as it lies on the ground in front of their feet. Fascinating.

My personal favorite conversation to have at CSU always revolves around Henry Cloud. Why do all roads lead back to Henry Cloud? He is an author who came and spoke to the single staff a few years ago about "Dating". Whew!! You would've thought either Mother Theresa or the Unibomber (depending on which side of the road you stand) had spoken with the opinions that surfaced. Henry, will you be there? I'll bring your armor.

As much as I poke fun of myself and my single friends, there truly is no place like CSU. No one on this earth understands my world like the people in big Moby gym for 10 days straight. I can poke fun because these people are extended family and we all poke fun of extended family. I mean, everyone has a Great Aunt Wanda.

Anyway, I'm flying out in a few and I will have an outfit to die for and a purse full of hankies.

Beth

Jesus, I am Resting

2009-07-07T10:16:00.000-04:00

I've been listening to this beautiful hymn recently. You can find it on itunes under the Shelly Moore Band.

Jesus I am resting, resting

In the Joy of what Thou art;

I am finding out the greatness

Of Thy loving heart.

Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,

And Thy beauty fills my soul,

For by Thy transforming power

Thou hast made me whole.

O how great Thy loving kindness.

Vaster, broader than the sea!

O how marvellous Thy goodness,Lavished all on me!

Yes, I rest in Thee, Beloved,

Know Thy certainty of promise,

And have made it mine

Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus,

I behold Thee as Thou art,

And Thy love, so pure, so changeless,

Satisfies my heart;Satisfies its deepest longings,

Meets supplies its every need,

Compasseth me round with blessings;

Thine is love indeed!

Ever lift Thy face upon me,

As I work and wait for Thee;

Resting 'neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus,

Earth's dark shadows flee.

Brightness of my Father's glory,

Sunshine of my Father's face,

Keep me ever trusting, resting;

Fill me with Thy grace.

I'm so glad to be back in Tennessee. Clearwater Beach is so beautiful and I had some quiet and refreshing moments sitting on the beach...especially with my bible study and Sunday night Prayer and Vision times, but the mountains are the place for me. I suppose it is in my blood. I wish I were one to enjoy the mountains by taking grand and long hikes, but to be honest I prefer riding a tram or doing short treks, but there's something about being outside in the mountains that just brings life.

Speaking of life, I need one. Whew....being back in Knoxville and raising support isn't the most exciting of times, but I am trusting that Jesus is going to meet every need and the need is great. I'm not talking ONLY about monetary need, but spiritual need as well.

When UT starts up again in a little over a month, 5,000 new freshmen will converge on campus looking for a new start, freedom from parents, new identity, or spending a lot of energy making sure everyone knows who they are. The first two weeks of campus are like Christian Rush. Every campus ministry is out in full force trying to gather those students who are interested. We estimate that roughly 1,000 students out of 29,000 or so that attend UT become involved in some type of Chrisitan ministry. Long after "Christian Rush" is over the question that we want to keep asking is, "What about the other 28,000?"

Today as I continue to raise my support would you pray about the spiritual need of the 28,000? That's the real number that is on my heart today.

Laughter is the best medicine!!

2009-06-17T12:22:00.000-04:00

I love this picture of my Senior bible study. These women love Jesus and are turning the world upside down for Him.

I think this picture epitomizes my relationship with sweet Amy!

Running through the fountain in Charleston, SC while on vacation with 3 dear friends.

Here are 2 of the 3 dear friends running through the fountain with me! Hope & Haley.

I love these women! Here are the staff women that have been with me in Clearhotter all summer. We didn't know someone was taking our picture at this moment, that's why I love it.

Psalm 126:2Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, "The LORD has done great things for them."

Psalm 30:4All you saints! Sing your hearts out to God! Thank him to his face! He gets angry once in a while, but across a lifetime there is only love. The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter.

Over a year ago, I began slowly coming out of a season of sorrow. Watching others experience loss, experiencing loss myself, wrestling in the midst of it, etc. I can remember the exact time and place the shift happened. Haley, Stacy, Hope and I (dear friends) went on vacation to Charleston. I believe it was the first vacation I had really taken apart from work in a long time. One night we went for a walk down to the beach and we were making fun of how each other walked and laughed and laughed. The laughter continued throughout the week as we went out to eat and had our pictures taken running through the fountain. I began to feel life and hope again. Jesus was changing the sadness to moments of laughter.

Posted above are pictures from this last year (the last one as current as last night) starting with the Charleston trip. These pictures are a tangible reminder of God's "nearness being my good" and that to everything there is a "season".

Beth

Clearhotter, Florida

2009-06-07T16:03:00.000-04:00

I am not a "good" blogger. Guess that gene from my mama skipped me. In the past month I have been stranded on a small island, been accepted to Grad school, spent 4 weeks in Clearhotter with 50 other college students and CCC staff, reconnected with a dear friend, seen a new little cousin enter the world, sweat through clinical strength deodorant this morning as I confronted 37 college students on how they interact with one another....do you want to hear more?

One reason I love summer project environments with Campus Crusade is that they foster such community and your "mess" surfaces a little quicker than if you just attended church on Sunday in your best Sunday dress and smile. Community allows masks to come off, the chance for you to be KNOWN, the chance for you to RESIST being known, and the grace to deal with the things the Father surfaces. Larry Crabb (my hero) says, "Looking bad in the presence of love is so much better than looking bad in the presence of advice."

This morning I had to speak to our students on conflict and how they have been treating one another.....it's not been pretty. These dear students were so great!! They worked it out among themselves, prayed and came in to the church service. We then took communion and I'm going to post a picture of our students standing around tables, taking communion, joining hands and praying. Can you say REDEMPTION?????????????? That is so how Christ is with me/us. In my brokenness he comes to me full of Grace and Truth and gently brings about restoration.

I can't believe I'll be home in less then 3 weeks. I'll have a lot of support to raise now that I will be going to Grad School part-time. I'll still stay in my role with CCC @ UT as director, but will be given one day a week to drive to Chattanooga (Richmont Graduate University) to pursue my Masters in Professional Counseling with a specialization in Spirtuality and Counseling/Spiritual Formation. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited and scared. I hope to gain a better understanding of people and to continue to cheer them on in their journey. I have to raise a lot of $$$$ to be able to do this though, so please pray for me because I'll have approx. 2 weeks to do it in!

Okay, that's all I got.

Beth

aka: Bdubs

Autobiography in 500 words.

2009-04-29T17:48:00.000-04:00

I'm applying to Grad School. Ugh. I'm still staying on staff with Campus Crusade, but if I get accepted I will drive to Chattanooga once a week to pursue my Masters in Professional Counseling specializing in Spiritual Formation. The thought of it is enough to send me into a random dance equivalent to one my childhood BFF and I used to do. Imagine New Kids on the Block's Hangin' Tough.

Anyway, I had to write out my life in 500 words. Nice. Suprising who or what made the cut and what didn't. Ex-fiance' didn't make the cut. The nightmares had in the past when thinking about 7th grade and the fact that I was Napoleon Dynamites twin didn't make the cut either (see picture). Isn't it amazing to think that these painful things in your past now don't even make the 500 word essay? I remember my discipler Debbie telling me over and over again, "Time is your friend." I used to mumble things under my breath about that one, but I've found it to be bittersweet and true. The events of life shape and mold you and you move on to the next twist or turn and before you know it things that were so hard are just part of your journey.

Now on to shallow and superficial things. Does anyone want to chip in and buy Simon Cowell a new shirt? One with color? Also, I'm bored to tears with my music. Any suggestions? Okay, I'm off to do something important (I have no clue what I'm doing).

Beth

It's time....

2009-04-22T21:50:00.000-04:00

So, I've often been told that I should have a blog. Well, here's my first attempt at sharing my thoughts and stories and sending them out into the cold, dark abyss of cyber-space.
What does one talk about on a blog? Who cares enough to read it? Then I think about my own stalkerish tendencies and realize that perhaps there are others out there who are stalkers as well. My mother. Eric. Haley. My mother. Leigh. My mother.
Aww....poor Anoop just got the boot off of American Idol. Let us pause for a moment of silence for the fallen Tarheel.
The past week in Knoxville and the few days to come are filled with a mixture of emotion. I'm saying "bye" to 13 of my senior women who I just absolutley love. These dear women have allowed me into their lives, each at a different level, and I've grown to love Jesus more because of them. Every April I wrestle with this particular job hazard...saying "bye", sending out, wishing well and then realizing come August I will start over again. Oh my....it is worth it.
As I watch American Idol I would not want to mess with Lil Rounds or Alison for that matter.
So.........that's all I've got for tonight. Who knows when my next post will be? I'm sure you all will be on the edge of your seats waiting. ;)
Beth